Topics You Can't Touch With A Ten-foot Pole

[Chava]

p.s. sorry if I misunderstood the point of this post

 

[Suzetig]

I got caught up in a discussion this weekend that really brought home to me how much I avoid closeness and connection to others. It's fine on a relatively superficial level, I can talk about what's happening in my life and what I see changing but I can't easily talk about my thoughts and feelings. Letting someone see that much of me just feels too close and triggers all sorts of stuff for me. What I'm realising is that while I have lots of people in my life who care about me, I have a thousand different ways of keeping them from getting too close, which means I carry my hurt buts alone.

I think I'm beginning to properly see how isolated I am on some levels and I don't like it. But changing that feels impossible to where I don't even know where to start.

 

[Chava]

I think I'm beginning to properly see how isolated I am on some levels and I don't like it. But changing that feels impossible to where I don't even know where to start.

Relate to that very much. In a weird way I'm lucky to be a horrible alcoholic (sober again) because that gives me AA and it's the only way I get semi-close to anyone because the structure and supportive purposes of the group helps. Also easier to let my guard down in this context (though I don't talk about my 10-foot-pole issues here or even with my sponsor, just my therapist).

I've tried different religious groups and it always feels like it doesn't matter if I'm there or not, so why bother? Music groups are most helpful, but hard with my injuries and pain...I'm very limited there. But it does feel more helpful to understand my isolation better from the trauma perspective and how this is a lifelong pattern (looking back I see it even in earliest years...felt more reliably safe all on my own, but it worked to use my imagination to feel more connected to some part of the world...doesn't work the same as an adult). It helps to see it for what it is and stop shaming myself for being a total loser. That's not it. It's something I can work on...but even knowing that I have felt acutely how hard and confusing it is to even know what to do or where to start. It feels like a lot of work. I don't naturally go to others for support, I withdraw. Okay, not meaning to derail. I just feel this so much.

 

[sun seeker]

And then 2 more pieces; death or abandonment. Both of those are huge topics as well / have a lot of moving parts. I'm betting there are areas there you're just fine with, as well.

I am hugely activated over this topic these days. Working my ass off trying to respond differently to the triggers, only I truly don't have the help or the information or even the ability to think clearly, to do anything different except avoid acting. Which is taking 99% of my energy all day every day. This is why I've left this thread for a bit.

So: Yes, there are areas here that I am fine with too. I am fine with the death of old people who have had a good life and done what they came to do. I used to work with old people as a home support worker. A bunch of them eventually died. I sat and held their hands during their process. It's just one of the hazards of the job. Some people told me they could never do my job because it would be too depressing. Wasn't too depressing for me.

Then there is the fear that people will die because of a mistake I made. That is getting much less since I worked out where the trigger came from. I was made to believe something hideous about myself as a child for the purpose of keeping me under control, but it wasn't even true. I have never been responsible for anyone's death. The fear has gotten less.

So that leaves fear of abandonment. I can't find any grey areas there. The whole damn thing is oh-f*ck-no territory. Hyperventilating, crazy-making, shaking, impending doom, past-mixed-with-present, never-know-when-it-will-happen, absolutely cannot cope when it does. This is where I have no idea how to approach this. The last approach my therapist tried made it a lot worse and I've just barely been hanging on by my fingernails ever since.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe consider where the edges of abandonment are.

Eg if your closest friend doesn't return you call for x amount of time, what is that time which makes it feel abandonment.

Eg your closest friend moving, what distance makes it abandonment, eg two suburbs or interstate etc?

 

[sun seeker]

I was about to say that it's emotional withdrawal that makes it abandonment. Then reconsidered that that is not the entire truth, just the core of it. Physical absence implies the possibility of emotional withdrawal, because if people are gone it means they might not contact me, which could mean all kinds of things, none of them good. It can also be unsettling in its own right, but what takes physical absence from a stressor into oh-f*ck-no territory is the accompanying possibility of emotional withdrawal. So that's a second-level trigger. The possibility of physical absence then becomes a third-level trigger.

The whole thing is exponentially worse if it takes me by surprise. Hence the hypervigilance.

Distance, as far as I can think, is irrelevant.

Time is relative to the amount of anxiety I am already feeling, anywhere from none at all to... I'm not sure, but quite a lot more depending how secure I am feeling.

Thinking that through was also a trigger, but tolerable because it was an invitation to explore without judgement. Thank you @ghotiff for the suggestion.