Relationship Totally Confused And Not Willing To Ride The Roller Coaster Again!

[Mary Burgess]

The last relationship I was in, I strongly suspect she had ptsd too. She had a past history of sexual abuse, and we managed to trigger each other often. The last time I was triggered by something she did, I went running to the therapist, who was very supportive, and said I had every right to be angry by what she did - just that my reaction was way over the top...

I have a tendency to draw this kind of personality to me. There is no way that I will want to be in this kind of relationship again, or maybe I will even abstain from any kind of a relationship ( that is not a friendship) for good. My point is that I need to just stop in my tracks, get whatever kind of counseling and therapy I need for me, pray with all my heart that it is going to be helpful ( remission is not too strong a word!), and do good things for me. Only time and effort will tell. For me, that volcanic outburst was enough to shake me out of denial, and get on with the business of recovery. I knew that she was not healthy for me, but nobody deserves that kind of reaction. No doubt I was not healthy for her, either!

 

[Enigma66]

oops sorry I meant brat17 :)

 

[AABMT]

Oh my goodness... These posts are EXACTLY what I needed to read. I had talked to the ex then end of last week, even though I had been strong and he basically said I am so strong all the time I need to learn when to be soft and just be a woman. But my life and everything that has bought me to this forum has made me learn to be strong or I won't survive and I just dont know when to be tender except with my kids or when a friend is in pain. Other than that I am totally clueless.

Well, I spent the weekend with a new man I dated and guess what... he has PTSD.. surprise surprise surprise! who has a whole different way of dealing with it.. isn't aggressive like this last one, but seems to be emotionally unavailable. All the people I seem to date lately have PTSD and I wonder why I keep picking these types of personalities?

Well, when the new guy was cooking me dinner one night he asked for my help with something and seemed to get cranky with me.. so I do what I do.. I shut down and walked away. He followed me and wanted to talk about it. He said I was a strong woman but needed to learn when to talk and listen sometimes. Well.. thats guy number 2!

I am so lost.. how does one spend their entire life protecting themselves from so many people that have abused you find a way to be soft? When people say I am one of the kindest people they have ever met but when it comes to romantic relationships Im not soft? How the heck does that happen?? You know how I feel? I feel I am so broken emotionally I just honestly cant be fixed.

 

[Mary Burgess]

Suggestion: pick the guy you like the most, and take him to counseling, so that you can work out healthy boundaries with each other. My educated guess tells me that these guys are turned off by 'strong', because it means you can't put up with any of their crap. If neither one of them wants to go for counseling with you, then there is your answer...

BTW, I am following my own advice - if the thing with the past gf with the abuse issues wants to continue a 'friendship', it is not going to happen without joint counseling. Even friendship to me with this lady is not going to be healthy without some boundaries...

 

[mamachick]

AABMT- I just want to clarify before any comment. You said that you do not know how to be tender epcept with or kids or a friend in pain. You say that when it comes to romantic relationships-you are not soft?

I am not sure if you are saying that when you are in a romantic relationship that you become -ex:controlling, demanding, insecure, mean, etc.-or, that when in a romantic relationship you become distant and self protecting.

 

[mamachick]

Thanks Gizmo, that was really lovely to read :)


The relationship broke me and I just couldn't go there again. I will always feel sadness till the day I die over our experience but I now know that I deserve so much more.

Enigma, I feel that way too. Dont know that he had ptsd and it is complicated for other reasons that I wont go into, but I do not see myself ever being able to be in a relationship. Hope that changes. I will always feel the sadness till the day I day-because of the intimacy that I thought we had, and his inability for honesty. This has left me not trusting my own intuition. I cant go there. It can also be very unsafe.

My niece was just assaulted by her boyfriend and charges are pending. He had abused his ex wife before so he might do jail time. There is a side of him that is a nice man and I know she loves him. I am proud of her for staying away and not responding to his communication. He probably does have ptsd.

IMHO, one factor that interferes with ptsd recovery is any active addiction or abuse of alcohol/drug. It prevents taking responsibility, feeling the guilt and pain of ones own actions, and making necessary change. Chemical addiction (drugs or alcohol) change the brains chemistry even days after use. Someone must be totally clean for about 6 months before the honest feeling begin to come through-that is painful-so many relapse.

From my own observation, if someone is working on ptsd issues and really trying to get better, giving up substance (even a couple glasses of wine) for just one year would be most effective. It is not to say that they need to go to AA and never drink again. It just helps the thought process.

Other potential addictions/behaviors can be less obvious but are also soothing and prevent the person from dealing directly with issues as they arise (food, gambling, sexual). How often as women do we say that we need chocolate when sad. There is some truth in comfort food. Some seek sex to sooth pain even though it is not an addiction, it might be considered self destructive behavior. When I am avoiding something I play a gambling machine. I am getting much better but still do it on occasion. I dont strike out at others but gambling on a machine is a way of isolating from others and tuning out. It will not resolve any problems and the next day, we still have to be direct in our relationships for resolution, romantic or otherwise.

 

[Eleanor]

One thing that really helped me, was a book called "getting the love you want" by, the unfortunately named Harville Hendrix. It gave me a theory that helped me develop a kind of map to figure out what in me needed healing before I could find a good partner. My H is a wonderful man, has PTSD and is rather a monster when he is dissociated - and we are working on his healing, and minimizing damage when he is triggered until he gets it a lot more under control. I don't know that we ought to be "role models" or anything for anyone - but he has PTSD from childhood and is still an honest and compassionate and good person. I know he drank to the point of it being a problem for him before we met - but is a moderate consumer of alcohol now - we keep a pretty close eye on it in any case.

If only we would fall in love only when we and the others were not "broken"....

 

[AABMT]

Brat17 - I still cant figure how to do the yellow quote stuff... but not being soft they mean I shut down, self protect and become distant. I actually have a tendancy to walk away and just be quiet. I HATE to argue.. heck who does, but I completely shut down. One of my step dads used to stand maybe an inch or closer face to face and justt scream at me and scream and scream.. then I wasnt allowed to cry so my mother couldn't know, or he would pull the car over and we had to wait until I could get my emotions under control and not look like I was upset before I could go home. So any confrontation I don't do well at all.

 

[mamachick]

AABMT-no wonder you shut down in situations that are not guaranteed to be safe. With your close friends in need or children, it is least likely to be verbally abused. Sounds like your men have been unpredictable. I dont know how to re-learn to be soft in such relationships, but do know that it takes a lot of trust to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in an intimate relationship. I do think that it has to come slowly in any new relationship.

I also think that we can focus on our strengths (being a good friend, parent, trustowrothy, loyal, etc) rather than our shortcomings. Focusing on things that boost self esteem while following own heart in activities and building relationships with non abusive people. The bigger your healthy support system, the more tools for self trust. Ultimately, trusting starts with the self-ie. I trust myself enough to be the master of my own destiny, keep myself safe, calm, to seek help, to end an unhealthy relationship, etc

I know you feel lost right now and broken emotionally-but dont give up on yourself as you are worth it, and the fact that you are able to be soft with others is the "safe you", you create it in those situations so you can create it in others.

 

[Eleanor]

Not doing confrontation seems like a pretty workable "vice" to me. So you shut down and walk away. Not the worst thing in the world to do. The only problem is if you don't later - when you are not shut down - go back and try to resolve whatever the issue was.... Avoiding issues is not good. But handling them over time... not such a huge problem, IMHO.

 

[ConcernedFriend]

Thanks Gizmo, that was really lovely to read :)

You are right, my view is distorted and all I can say is once bitten twice shy. I have been on both sides of the fence and unfortunately my experience with PTSD was by far the worst time of my life.

I agree that I would run if I found out someone had PTSD early in any future relationships. But leaving someone that you already care about and want to see better is much harder. I find myself struggling with this all of the time. I believe from some of the things I've read that someone with PTSD can get better. They will never be perfect, but who will? Has anyone figured out how to convince someone they need help? Every time I bring it up my boyfriend slips further.

 

[Bubba]

I am so lost.. how does one spend their entire life protecting themselves from so many people that have abused you find a way to be soft? When people say I am one of the kindest people they have ever met but when it comes to romantic relationships Im not soft? How the heck does that happen?? You know how I feel? I feel I am so broken emotionally I just honestly cant be fixed.

You say it so well! I am in the same place you are. I, however, have CPTSD from childhood and repeated trauma's. I seem to always pick the wrong men - men who manipulate me, try to control me. They are all lovely and nice and sweet at the beginning and then something changes and they subtly start to control me - I don't even notice it at first. But I have always had issues with being intimate. I am told I am sweet and nice, but when it comes to be close in a relationship, I'm just not there. At those times, I'm told I'm cold and detached. And really on the inside, I am simply screaming - please just accept me for who I am. With that acceptance, I may start to slowly open up. But when someone starts to tell me how I should feel or questions why I don't react a certain way - I clam right up. They are danger - they are toxic.

So is it the people we are choosing? Or is it us? I think it may be both. It's the deep, deep wounds we have and it's the people we choose that aren't healthy for those wounds. I am confident now that I simply just need to be me - alone. I think in this aloneness I can heal and find out who I really am. I can develop the strength I need to tell people to "bug off" if they attempt to control me. I am not going to go looking for a man. If God wants a man in my life, they will show up in the places where I am most comfortable being me and they will accept who I am in that moment. Only then will true friendship form and potentially love.

Hang in there AABMT! Search your soul, spend some time just taking care of and being you. Look for the good in yourself and what you can offer other people. If they don't see that goodness - they don't deserve to be with you!