Touch in therapy

[Midnightmoon]

Does your therapist offer touch in therapy? Do you take it and does it help? My T will frequently offer touch or physical contact (perfectly legitimately and 'normal' for the therapy (somatic experiencing), I'm not worried about that) but it's something I really struggle with and often say no to. I've been in therapy for over 18 months, it's not a 'new', thing. They said the other week that resisting what I need isn't helping me. I think it's common in (C) PTSD to pull away from anyone getting too close, how do you learn to accept them taking your hand or trying to untense your shoulders without panicking?

 

[Movingforward10]

I think I would struggle with that too. My therapy remains online this the start of the pandemic, so at this moment: i would just love to be in the same room as her, but think a return to that would make me nervous initially.

I wonder (having not been through the type of therapy you are going through, but finding people touching me challenging....), if the issue is control and predictability? Do you want to explore this touch in therapy now or put it off until another time? Do you want to be in control of it and when it happens? Do you want to be able to consent at all times to it?
Essentially: do you want this? And if so, how do you want it to go to give you more control over it?

Ignore if not helpful. The thought of my T taking my hand makes me want to run away! And I care (love?) my T immensely.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm sorry you still can't be in the same room as your T, that must be really tough.

You hit on alot of interesting points. For me I think it's mixed into being dependent, needing someone's touch to release an emotion is to me far to 'needy' for my absolute want to be independent, the whole trust no one need no one scenario that we're probably all to familiar with.

It's probably also I don't want to admit that I find something considered 'normal' so hard to even think about, so if I avoid it, and just say no, that's somehow easier than trying and then being a vulnerable mess.

Would I like to try and learn- I'm not sure. I suppose that's why I was asking if other people had experienced it who also have this issue in the first place. If you can ' get over' it, does it really help?

 

[Aoife]

No, and if he did I would run an absolute country mile and not ever come back.

It might be different in the UK but touch is really not acceptable ever in therapy sessions here.

If you are uncomfortable you can refuse. It’s not resistance to not want a therapist to touch you.

 

[arfie]

hello tiny paws. welcome to the forum.

i've never encountered this with a paid professional, but i've run into it often in my therapy support network. in my own case, my aversion to touch is pathological and extreme. most days, taking those hugs, etc., in a spirit of healing hopes is the best i can do. i work to be gentle with myself and patient with the process on the days i can't even handle that much. i take the time to celebrate the days i can relax and enjoy the touch in the spirit it was intended.

 

[Eagle3]

My T is a somatic therapist as well. I'm autistic and one of my first therapy goals with him was learning how to "hug" like a normal human being. I find if there is no touch, I can't open up to my therapist. I was incredibly uncomfortable with touch at first, but working through that was sooooooo beneficial and very much necessary to my growth as a human (I grew up in a cult, no touching allowed unless it was sex, so lots to work through there). I need the touch aspect of therapy so badly, and really lucked out when I found a therapist who has spent over 40 years doing just that. Love it, worth working through it, and wish more could do it, although the therapist themself REALLY needs to have a handle on their own stuff to make it safe and truly therapeutic.

My T has a technique where he'll hold/rock clients for about 20 minutes to reset the limbic system. Works wonders for me. Took me forever to be able to actually ask for that when I needed it, like, literally after 7 years of working with him I JUST managed to squeak out the request last month. He also does energy work and touch-meditation, along with EMDR with tapping. I could not imagine trauma therapy without the touch aspect. I just don't feel safe without it.

It takes a lot of courage to face this one. Hope you can avail yourself of the opportunity, but if you can't, still sending cyber-hugs ;-)

 

[Charbella]

I do not do somatic Experience nor would I, like @arfie I have a pathological desire to not be touched. I’ve learned to accept touch but not in a way I think would be a helpful therapy technique more of a grinning and bearing it.

Maybe SE isn’t for you right now. My T was exploring some of the techniques and wanted me to just be in my body but just thinking about it made me extremely SI so he’s backed off for now. We had a lot of conversations before he finally did though and he learned a lot.

You say being able to let them touch you to relax you, for me those two do not coexist. I used to have a chiropractor that had a massage therapist work with you first and I did the normal okay I can get through this but it made me so much more tense that the chiropractor kept having her come longer and longer. I finally had to tell him that the massage was making it so much worse. He gave me the skeptical look but tried it and had to admit I was right. Touch is akin to torture.

For me existing as a head, hands, and feet is working for me, but I realize part of the journey is to exist as a whole person. My T said he’ll know I’m ready to be done with therapy when I’m willing to give or receive a hug, I’ve told him not to hold his breath.

Good luck with your journey.

 

[Midnightmoon]

It's bringing me some relief that there's other people out there that feel the same! When I first had a look into it a lot of people I found seemed to crave a hug/ physical gestures of affection from their T and would have loved what I was describing, where as I literally jump if they try to come anywhere near me. I think the line of questioning from my T makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong. They'll ask for my hand and I'll either space out or shake my head. Then it feels like 20 questions, why not, why is that hard, why don't you want this, this isn't helping you. I don't know why, but them asking so many questions about it just makes my brain spin.

@Eagle3 it's so good to hear that you can get there, and that it's now helpful to you, even if it was a long process to get comfortable with it. I sort of stumbled into this completely blind, I'd never heard of it before, and didn't understand how it all worked, so hearing how it's actually so beneficial for you is so lovely to read.

 

[Sues]

I have an excellent trauma therapist. We don't work with touch at all, and I know I'd never want touch. The somatic part he does is having me check in with my body and where I feel emotions in my body when I'm experiencing difficult emotions and flashbacks. Sometimes he'll ask, "If that feeling had a voice, what would it say?" And he's ok with me saying I don't know. That's a big trigger for me. My first therapist would ask me something and not stop until I answered. I talked with him about it being a trigger, about it being the same thing that my abuser did to me, and he apologized and immediately stopped. The only touch I had in my 22 year marriage to my abuser was bad, it was abuse (except in the very beginning). There was no comfort or "nice" touch. So any touch terrifies me and makes me want to run.

 

[Friday]

I’m incredibly touchy-feely…but? The only trauma therapists who’ve touched me are the ones I’ve slept with. (Should prolly note: I wasn’t their client.)

Some trauma modalities include touch, some don’t; some personalities align strongly with touch, and some don’t.

 

[Hopefully]

The therapists I have seen in the UK are incredibly boundaried and touch doesn't seem like something that is an option at all. Also as others have said, I would find it something incredibly difficult to do, it involves a level of vulnerability I think many would struggle with.

That said, the EMDR therapist I saw did this through knee taps and I really believe that those moments after the tapping where she held either side of my knees for about 2 or 3 seconds felt like the most healing part of the whole process. Although it was a few years ago now and I still remember the feeling of her fingers, it felt incredibly tender. I felt contained, held, at ease of being at my own pace and it conveyed an understanding that she appreciated how hard it was more than anything she had ever said. I felt it rather than trying to digest the words. It felt much easier for me to accept as it was just part of the EMDR process and not something that made me feel uncomfortable.

I have also been in a yoga class having a bad experience, the instructor asked if I would like her to hold my feet to make me feel grounded, and although I could understand how helpful that would be, there was no way I was able to express that need and accept the gesture. I know it would have helped though.

I think it is a complex balance, learning to accept some touch can be very healing but it will very much depend on the person and therapist. If done well and right I think it can be powerful.