Touched A Man

[Philippa]

Don't let naysayers deter you. I've had quite a bit of sex in my life, and sex is a very beautiful thing, in all it's sweaty, messy, glory. It may not turn out the way it did in your mind when you do eventually trust someone enough to go there, but it is always unpredictable the first time.

I was excited to read of your progress and wanted to say how brave you are to have reached out. It's a shame you pushed him away but there will be others, and one day you will be ready.

 

[surviving_it_all]

Yeah. There will be. I don't know if I'm making the right decision when running from him. I want to get to know him, but I am so angry. My flight or fight response is activated. He'll never forgive me for what I say when I'm mad. Everything just jumbles together. It's all of it: my rape, him, the people around me, etc. I'm scared. I don't know what I want. I wish I didn't have these fits. I wish I didn't experience this extreme narcissism. I wish I really wasn't so selfish.

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Surviving_it_all,

I would suggest to you that you are indeed not selfish, but took a leap of faith.

If you read the Gestault Theory of Change, it does not happen in a linear manner. Instead the pattern is something like this:
1) we decide to do something
2) we ponder if we are really going to do it
3) we doubt ourselves and say maybe this is not worth it
4) we think again and say maybe it is worth a try
5) we say we are going to do this!
6) we do something
7) we are happy
8) we doubt what we are doing and have to re-commit

Perhaps you can explain to this person what you are going through to some extent if they are a safe person to be around.

You are having growing pains... the PTSD will tell you... oh you cannot do this!

The PTSD is lying to you, there in itself is how this disorder self-perpetuates itself.

I know selfish people, this is not what I would describe as selfish... You are reacting with fear.

Watch the negative self-talk and claim your accomplishment!

 

[WillyKat]

Really happy for you; that's a huge step. Yay!

I wonder if you'd be willing to share--and you don't have to at all--what it is about his personality you found attractive. I ask because I'm guessing there must be some quality about him that makes you feel safe enough to talk to him and as you said, actually touch the guy.

Again, if I'm prying then by all means, don't answer. I'm just curious because it may help others on the forum to hear your thoughts on this.

 

[surviving_it_all]

I don't know how this will help others, but OK. I liked his way of showing instead of telling. I also liked his way of teasing and joking with me. I like that he was amicable. I liked his propensity for extreme measures. He has and would do extremely ridiculous things if they amused him enough or to prove a point. He has a huge amount of control. I guess at the time, he just made me feel safe. He felt like a good guy. He felt like a nice guy. He felt like a goofy guy. When we spoke the night that I touched him, the conversation was sort of lame. I was just happy to be talking with him. So, I guess if that helps anyone else. Sure.

 

[WillyKat]

Sense of humor is usually a good sign. Thanks for enduring my prying question.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey there,

I just wanted to encourage you not to give up. I know how you feel. I know that sounds shallow, but I kind of do.

I was raped about...I guess now it would be very close to 3 years ago, and I was also a virgin. I was so determined not to let it change me and that it's nothing that I actually tried to sleep with my boyfriend at the time- was our first time being together. Didn't happen until we tried few times with weeks in between actually, and when it did it wasn't very good. Then after we split I had a lot of parties in university, where with the help of alcohol I got as far as making out with a guy(stupid to try to drink to push myself to be close, I know, but I didn't want to admit what happened)...Anyway, about year and a half ago I met a guy that was charming, extremely interesting, and made me feel safe, like I already new him for a long time...We were from different cities, neighbouring countries, so I was sure nothing can happen. But we wrote emails and Skyped few times daily for half a year, and I even told him about what happened to me(he was the only one that knew)....So after we got together, and now we have been a couple and in love for a year, and I just moved in- in his country, living with him.

It's REALLY scary, but so worth it. The first time we made love(yes I did just say made love- with him it is like that) I just couldn't do it, but he is patient man, and he made me feel comfortable. And when we are together even the not-so-beautiful parts, all the messy parts, they are beautiful and incredible. Sometimes, some move or position or something triggers me and I still make him stop in the middle of things, but those things are slightly less and less with time. I was "okay" and not dealing wth things for a long time, but I was emotional mess. But the last 7-8 months I've been blogging, and journaling, and reading books about recovery from rape, and going through the whole process of realizing what happened and what I feel about it- along with depression and PTSD etc, and it was HARD, there were times I could barely get out of bed- but I got through it. And sex can be a beautiful thing- you just need the right person that will get what you're going through, and you need to get through your own feelings about what happened. But you can get there and you are taking good steps towards it. It will happen. That's what I know for sure;)