Transference / Attachment - Dug into mommy issues sent me spiraling out of control that weekend.

[ChelsBells]

I have been in therapy with the same psychologist for 9 months. We haven't made much progress as a LOT has happened. My diagnoses have run the gamut, was on meds months at a time (they make me flat & unable to reach my emotions), crises, hospitalization, etc. So this past 2 weeks, unmedicated, able to FEEL, ready to work .... & obviously finally trusting her & ready to be vulnerable, we began scratching the surface of my childhood trauma & college aged rape trauma. The 1st session we dug into mommy issues sent me spiraling out of control that weekend.

I dissociated, so much so that I drove somewhere & another time in which I got blacked out/passed out drunk for the 1st time in my life & texted her while that was happening. I had no memory of any of it. But I was mortified she was going to terminate me at our next session & I lost my ever loving mind. I went in in crisis mode.

She was nothing less than understanding & said all the right things. Because I was in crisis mode, she said she would call 2 days later for a phone session & was very specific about when she would call. That day came & went. No call.

The next day (yesterday) I landed myself in a day long training on complex childhood trauma. I have been having panic attacks (new to me) since the day after the drunken debacle. The anxiety is like nothing I've ever felt in my entire life. I dissociate & apparently even depersonalize. I am in crisis mode. I am not on meds. I do not know how to handle this.

So I reached out on break at the training. She called me after we went back in so I couldn't answer. I text saying I'm in training until 5 & am fine. She text back saying to call her when I'm done. So I did. It rang twice & bounced to VM....which to me says she did that. She never called back.

Apparently I'm wrapped up in some pretty intense transference b/c I'm beyond sick with anxiety. I can't handle this. And I'm pissed that if I decide to bring it up, I have to waste my session tomorrow on THIS when I have an entire session (more, let's be honest) of stuff to unpack since she's had me writing since last week. SO much has come out in the writing & I was looking forward to getting started on our trauma work.

Y'all. Please. I'm losing my mind.

 

[Teamwork]

Well hit it quick and short with, I’m confused what does it mean when I call you back as you requested and it goes to vm. She then may apologize give the answer and set the boundary up so that she can actually do it, without moving it and freaking you out.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’re in crisis, you’re nowhere near ready to work on trauma stuff.

It’s time to work on stabilization, including learning coping skills, self soothing skills, and grounding skills.

 

[Friday]

And I'm pissed that if I decide to bring it up, I have to waste my session tomorrow on THIS when I have an entire session (more, let's be honest) of stuff to unpack since she's had me writing since last week

This would be part of that. As in the reactions you’re having to unpacking / and the support structure you’re finding yourself wanting, are just as much a part of trauma therapy as the actual unpacking...if not more, TBH.

 

[grit]

Reminds me so much of my early days in therapy! Gosh! I hated. and no one told me it was like this or I would have gone with some serious protections to the self. But alas! everybody learns this way and we all come out the other end...blahhh

The most important thing you noted here (in my opinion)is your awareness this is transference. You are triggered of very early relationship where you were feeling this way and the adult person (primary care) was not available to you or was dysregulated or was sick or depressed or million other things.

You are in transference. Acknowledge that and try to soothe the self and call that functional side of you (that is giving all the power to the therapist) to rescue you! You are giving all functions to the therapist (just like a child supposed to be with an adult that has all the functions until the child learns). I do not know what your background is but you can truly educate yourself in this crazy transference you do not often hear. Acknowledge that is how you felt when you are young and you somewhat dissociated from it to survive but now you are triggered! and start to soothe that inner child part of you that is crying out for help and for love and for attention from the therapist.

Like I said I went through the whole shebang of regression for almost 7 months until I woke up one day....the longest depression and the hardest phase of my life...but I am here and I truly hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel.

You are strong and you have survived and you already felt this before and lived through. You are only becoming conscious of it.

Sending you love and light.

 

[ChelsBells]

This would be part of that. As in the reactions you’re having to unpacking / and the support structure you’re finding yourself wanting, are just as much a part of trauma therapy as the actual unpacking...if not more, TBH.

Bear with me while I try to figure out this forum. I haven't used one in probably over a decade. But I feel better with the anonymity vs Facebook groups. I think I did a quote correctly. Friday, I'm not totally sure what this means. Can you help me understand?
...

I had therapy this a.m. & we discussed it a bit. I was actually feeling better going in, so I wasn't in such crisis mode of feeling I was freaking out, losing my mind over it all. She allowed me to read what all I'd written since my last session, which was a lot & pretty deep & vulnerable stuff. In that, towards the end, stuff I wrote on Satirday, began touching on my feelings of attachment to her & the therapy. And I actually said in there when talking about her "I dont let people hurt me". Anyway, long story short, we discussed all the attachment stuff towards the end & I left feeling more relaxed than I have in a week.

I'm 40 years old. I've ignored my trauma all of my life. It is rooted in childhood & young adulthood, but is also chronic as the main person is my mother & she's still in my life. As I begin this journey I am happy to have found this forum & look forward to utilizing it & maybe getting to know some people better. One of the best feelings in the world is to know we aren't alone.

Thank you all for your insight.

 

[Friday]

Friday, I'm not totally sure what this means. Can you help me understand?

I was responding to this...

And I'm pissed that if I decide to bring it up, I have to waste my session tomorrow on THIS when I have an entire session (more, let's be honest) of stuff to unpack since she's had me writing since last week. SO much has come out in the writing & I was looking forward to getting started on our trauma work.

...all of the dysregulation and issues surrounding contacting your therapist when you’re dysregulated? IS trauma work.

It’s not wasting the session to discuss everything that happened during the week as a result of last session, including the transference dynamic that kicked into high gear. It’s very much part of working on trauma.

 

[ChelsBells]

I was responding to this...



...all of the dysregulation and issues surrounding contacting your therapist when you’re dysregulated? IS trauma work.

It’s not wasting the session to discuss everything that happened during the week as a result of last session, including the transference dynamic that kicked into high gear. It’s very much part of working on trauma.

Makes sense. Thank you. That's pretty much what we did.