Transference

[Chord]

Dear all,

I just recently had a horrible emotional flashback...I am calling it this because I think this is what it was...where I completely overreacted to a message from my therapist that sent me into some crazed lunatic emotional basket case...for hours..into the night and into the next morning.

He finally called me and was quite angry. Its a long story but after our conversation I realized...it wasn't about him at all. He was my mother. My fear of abandonment, the intensity and persistance of my response and emotions were way out of proportion to what had happened. I realized...I was pleading and clinging and crying and begging and him not to leave...not to let go of me. It was my mother...and I was that small child clinging to her legs as she walked to the front door with her suitcase. She used to pack her suitcase and leave, sometimes for hours, a couple of times for days, when she was angry with us or had a fight with my father. I lost all ability to act like an adult. I am embarrassed about it now but also, incredibly grateful for this new insight. I mean I feel so free! I feel terribly guilty for dragging my therapist into it...unknowingly of course...it wasn't pretty. But I know that's what it was.

Has anyone had such an experience?

Any thoughts on how to mend my relationship with my therapist...because I feel like this is a sign our time together is really starting to make progress.

 

[MisterCatLady]

Definitely a sign of progress! If I were you, I would start with a good old fashioned apology. Explain that you got caught up in a downward spiral, you've had a moment of clarity, and you're sorry to have pulled him into the throws of it. Explain your epiphany of your abandonment issues.

I am concerned that he got angry with you. Of course I don't know the details but a good therapist should be able to assess your behavior and set appropriate boundaries that do not involve their own emotional reactions.

I have definitely had similar experiences! My last therapist dumped me so I went into my current therapeutic relationship explaining those horrible feelings and my new therapist was able to help me process all of it. Now I'm thankful I'm not with the old therapist. Finding a logical and rational therapist has been huge for me.

 

[chord]

Definitely a sign of progress! If I were you, I would start with a good old fashioned apology. Ex...

Thank you for your encouragement! I definitely think it is a huge sign of progress and it explains so much!
Question though...why did you previous therapist dump you? I feel so encouraged right now with my current therapist...I am terrified he will decide he doesn't want to go through that anymore. He and I are still getting to know each other though so...

 

[MisterCatLady]

Thank you for your encouragement! I definitely think it is a huge sign of progress and it explains so much!
Question th...

My therapist dumped me because after 6 months I was still very guarded and anxious in sessions. Also she kept getting offended at things I would say. Ultimately I think our personalities clashed. I knew deep down it wasn't a good fit but I had serious transference going on and wasn't willing to let her go. I think poorly of her because of how she handled the situation but I am very glad she cut the cord because I wasn't willing to. Now I have a great therapist that I mesh well with.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Dear all,

I just recently had a horrible emotional flashback...I am calling it this because I think this is what it was...

Yes, I have had that experience and it is so scary when that happens because you transfer previous predators towards totally innocent people. It hurts when that happens and then I am ashamed, even though at the time there was no escaping from such a trigger. But then I feel really bad when I know that innocent people possibly suffer from that and in my head I apologize a thousand times for that.

It is so tough, it destroys me too for a couple of hours and days after I think about it still.

People that look similar and act the same way, or even just a way of communicating with others can throw me into horrible triggers and then I go off erroneously on a trigger trip. It is sooooooo embarrassing.

The reason that my triggers are so intense is the fact that I had forgiven very dangerous predators before. They had severely harassed me to the point of imminent death, and yet I still forgave them, they took it as a green light. Therefore when I get triggered thinking about them, and that happens because their friends are constantly in my face and still spread their lies, I go into a trance and re-experience the trigger just like 6 years ago.

But one of the people that were a part of my trigger last time reappeared and I was able to see myself in the present and I had no reaction to that person at all, a young fella who has a similarity to a stalker that hunted me mercilessly. Then when I noticed that fella had only some similarities but really had nothing at all in common with my stalker. Just said hi and then the fella continued to communicate with group members within my vicinity. And then it was really cool, because then the situation clearly told me that I was in no danger at all. That felt so good, I was so elated that day, it almost made me want to cry. I want to cry right now just thinking about it.

 

[Draiocht]

I had this recently with my female T. I've been struggling to cope at work at the moment because I'm being treated negatively by my direct supervisor and our boss isn't good with confrontation, so the whole thing has dragged for the last year. I had a particularly bad week one time and in the session I said I was going to either just up and quit or punch this person in the face. T kept telling me to be objective and "cool down" the situation before acting on it, and I was crying and practically shouted at her that she wasn't hearing what I was saying, about how stressful and upsetting this is. We worked through it and I calmed down, understood she wasn't ignoring my situation, just trying to find a way out of it that benefited me rather than harming me. Next session I thanked her for taking it in her stride, and she was pleased about it, like I have opened up a bit more. Previously I would have just sat there and fumed and we wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

We realised together it was transference, though she didn't use the word. I told my mother repeatedly what was being done to me as a child and it never changed anything, which I found out after disclosing to my care team as an inpatient was partly because she didn't think it was that serious (what I described to her, definitely serious). I was reliving the minimising of my trauma.