Sometimes it seems to be a bad Lifetime movie that I live out each day. I dont understand why I've been able to deal with the later traumas better than the earlier ones but as I sit here going on 72 hours of almost no sleep I obsess about things that happened over twenty years ago.
Many things I cannot recall enough to piece together a complete account. My therapist tells me that I will only remember what I am ready to deal with but what I do remember is knowing it was my fault; knowing we had to keep the abuse a secret or the whole world would know how worthless I was.
Seldom do I get a break from the nightmares. More often it is my father I see but on occasion I see the man who raped me when I was in my 20's Both were violent and painful but there is something about the betrayal of my father that makes what he did worse for me. I still feel him, smell him, taste him, hear him and I cannot help but see him every time I close my eyes. I relive the same events over and over as though I am subconsciously torturing myself for some sick and twisted innate reasoning.
Im always affraid that someone will tell me I am trans because of the molestation but some of what I do remember would suggest the opposite. I hear the words "You want to act like a girl, Ill treat you like a girl" as I feel his hand tighten around my neck and his penis enter me, tearing me open.
He is dying now and I feel like I must forgive him and I am on a deadline and must hurry up to "get better" before it is too late. This makes my anxiety swell beyond the limits of its banks at times and drown out any sanity I was previously able to muster. The truth is I don't want to forgive him but it's what I am supposed to do by my own moral compass and Im not sure which eats me more, the fact that I havent forgiven him or the fact that I dont want to.
The later traumas of our life always seem to be amplifications of these previous events or even when they are unrelated such as the loss of my daughter, we somehow get lost in this series of events anyways. The details I could write for hours about if I could manage to keep it up without bursting into tears uncontrollably or cutting myself when all emotion drains from me and only the numbness remains but I will not go into the details at this juncture.
Im not sure what else I should say in an introduction but this is where I am in a very over generalized way.
Many things I cannot recall enough to piece together a complete account. My therapist tells me that I will only remember what I am ready to deal with but what I do remember is knowing it was my fault; knowing we had to keep the abuse a secret or the whole world would know how worthless I was.
Seldom do I get a break from the nightmares. More often it is my father I see but on occasion I see the man who raped me when I was in my 20's Both were violent and painful but there is something about the betrayal of my father that makes what he did worse for me. I still feel him, smell him, taste him, hear him and I cannot help but see him every time I close my eyes. I relive the same events over and over as though I am subconsciously torturing myself for some sick and twisted innate reasoning.
Im always affraid that someone will tell me I am trans because of the molestation but some of what I do remember would suggest the opposite. I hear the words "You want to act like a girl, Ill treat you like a girl" as I feel his hand tighten around my neck and his penis enter me, tearing me open.
He is dying now and I feel like I must forgive him and I am on a deadline and must hurry up to "get better" before it is too late. This makes my anxiety swell beyond the limits of its banks at times and drown out any sanity I was previously able to muster. The truth is I don't want to forgive him but it's what I am supposed to do by my own moral compass and Im not sure which eats me more, the fact that I havent forgiven him or the fact that I dont want to.
The later traumas of our life always seem to be amplifications of these previous events or even when they are unrelated such as the loss of my daughter, we somehow get lost in this series of events anyways. The details I could write for hours about if I could manage to keep it up without bursting into tears uncontrollably or cutting myself when all emotion drains from me and only the numbness remains but I will not go into the details at this juncture.
Im not sure what else I should say in an introduction but this is where I am in a very over generalized way.
