captain jigglypuff
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I sort of always have had abandonment issues because of my mom leaving but then I found out most of the reasons why I had them over her divorcing my dad and leaving my sister and me in full custody with our dad were actually so my sister and I could grow up in a financially stave house because she knew a single mother with two kids would have a very difficult time getting a job. No the problems were all the result of my dad’s secretary and my abuser gaslighting me into believing my mom didn’t want me starting when I was four. She even told doctors and therapists this lie.
But trauma from my mom leaving us isn’t what this post is about. Back in February 2011, I was finally free from my abuser’s control but I was unable to cut her completely out of my life as I couldn’t control when she came down to my dad’s shop while I was there. I was waiting outside the GameStop waiting for the store to open so I could trade in a DS game I didn’t like very much and get something else. There was a kid a few years younger than me waiting to pick up the game he preordered. He said hi to me and I didn’t say anything because I was still weary of people after my abuser had physically attacked me. So he got his game and left the store and I traded mine in and got a different one. So on the walk home, I saw the same kid from before suddenly walking towards me and introduced himself as C and said that he had actually seen me before because his uncle and grandma both had apartments in the same complex where I lived and had my first apartment. I still didn’t fully trust him and kept the conversation to a minimum. A few days went by and I saw him again outside and he started to talk to me again and I slowly allowed him to get to know me. It turned out that he was also autistic and liked Pokémon and Barbies too and we had several things in common. We eventually formed a friendship and he heard some of the things my abuser said to me and what was wrong with me and he told me that she was wrong and nothing was wrong with me. He made me feel perfectly normal for the first time in my life and not like I was some curse to the world. My mental health improved because I was motivated to get better because of C. I even told him all about my fears of being abandoned and hated by everyone and that I believed that I did nothing but ruin the lives of everyone I meet. He told me that it wasn’t true and that I didn’t ruin his life. He then promised me that he would never abandon or hate me. Remember that promise. It will be very important later.
In December of that year, my mom was diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 lung cancer. This left me in shock when my sister told me the news over the phone and I had just made a genuine connection with my mom after escaping my abuser and the relationship was finally able to happen without my abuser sabotaging the entire thing just so I’d stay loyal to her and call her my mom. My abuser would often refer to my sister and me as her “kids.” Anyway I was upset for a few months that I was going to lose my mom again and this time for good. I told C the news and he comforted and during that time he introduced me to a small local church via a guy who worked at the mall and was the church musician during their weekly service. I was weary of churches since I was younger and I was hesitant at first but the lure of the free donuts and coffee that they gave attendees hooked me in. I was only going to church at first for the donuts. But slowly I started regaining my belief in God and opened up my heart again after being so afraid of religion for do long after several bad experiences that happened inside them involving other kids. I was even forming a small friend group through the church and C and my life and mood were improving greatly.
I felt motivated to clean and not dread it because my abuser had forced me to clean her entire townhouse and if I missed a spot , she’d start having a screaming fit and slap me across the face and the ordered me to do it all over again and to “do it right this time!” I had developed a fear after I escaped of my apartment being “too clean.” What this meant was I developed a fear of seeing completely open and empty space in my apartment and it made me anxious because I kept imagining my abuser suddenly kicking open my apartment door screaming at me that my place was “still a pigsty” and making a mess on purpose and then ordering me to do it over before leaving. I still sometimes get that thought but it’s decreased ever since she died. Having C as a friend gave me the motivation to clean and not see it as a punishment.
I had developed a small unacquainted crush on C that I knew would never be reciprocated because he was straight and had a girlfriend and I accepted that fact and was satisfied with him just being my friend. I respected the boundary he set for me. I was just happy having him as a friend. Two years went by and during that time I formed a friendship with his grandmother who would occasionally invite me over for dinner and give me leftovers do that I wouldn’t go hungry as I got very little money and very few in food stamps. She also helped me sign up to get food monthly from the local food pantry. I was finally happy for once and my sister saw this every time we talked on the phone. We originally had a plan that after I had escaped from my abuser that we’d start finding a way to get me to move up north to live close to her and her husband and get me the support I needed which meant filling out paperwork. Because of C and how much I improved and was happy, we agreed that moving me away from the area would be a negative impact on me in the long run as I also had a good support system and losing it might make me have a major setback. Staying in the area was for my best interest. During this time I flew out every few months to spend time with my mom before it was too late. The visits gave me early closure and acceptance that I was going to lose my mom.
During the second week of May 2013 and a few weeks after my 28th birthday, my sister called me to tell me our mom didn’t have much longer to live and was entering hospice the following week. Our mom had just been hospitalized for some issues that the chemo was causing her to have. She asked me to come see our mom together and spend several days just in case so I wouldn’t regret not seeing our mom one final time. I had managed to get a couple of plane tickets to fly out to visit my mom with my dad’s help and he bought three tickets with the first that took me to my mom, the second was so I could fly up north to visit my dad’s mother and sister, and the last one do I could go home. I was to leave on Tuesday May 14. I never got to take that trip because on Friday May 10, I got a call from my sister who was crying hysterically because our mom had suddenly gone into critical condition after choking on a bit of scrabbled eggs and it entered her lung. She was put on life support. My sister told me that I needed to fly out immediately and so my dad and his friend were frantically trying to get me tickets to fly out later that day but weren’t getting any luck but we kept trying. Eventually we had to stop to go to lunch and that’s when my sister told me that our mom didn’t have much time left and I needed to say my goodbyes to her over the phone. I said my goodbyes to her and the call ended. Thirty minutes later, my sister told me that she had died. For the rest of the day I was silent and withdrawn which my dad understood the reason and let me go home early to mourn. When I got home, I immediately told C and his grandma the news and then called the pastor of the church about my mom. He invited me over to his house to help his family prepare small gifts that they intended to give out as Mother’s Day gifts to any moms in attendance that Sunday. It was what I needed at the time and I found some comfort with my recent loss.
The following week C began avoiding me and acting differently. I saw him outside and just said hi to him and he responded with, “If you value your life, you’ll leave me alone and go away.” It wasn’t unusual for him to get this way and he would usually return to normal after a few days by himself but not this time. A week went by and I had received a couple boxes of my mom’s belongings and I knew that I couldn’t sort everything by myself. I went over to his grandma’s apartment to ask him for some help and company. He answered the door and saw me and yelled, “Grandma! It’s for you!” and he left without even saying hi to me. I asked her if I did anything wrong and she told me that she was sure I was fine. A month went by and C kept ignoring me and it began to hurt me emotionally. I went over to talk to his grandma and I asked her why he wasn’t talking to me and if he hated me all of the sudden. She told me she was sure why he was acting this way and that she didn’t think I did anything wrong. I began sitting alone in silence waiting for him to knock on my door and asking to hang out again. That never happened and I began spiraling into a serious depressive state and just stopped cleaning because I didn’t see what the point was anymore. No one at the time understood that being abandoned by C right after my mom had died had completely broken me. I was a complete mess crying all the time when I was home and I kept blaming myself. A year went by and I just became an empty shell that was constantly sad and miserable. I didn’t understand what I did for C to hate me and I still don’t. My case worker thought that I wasn’t cleaning because I was being lazy even though I clearly said that I didn’t see what the point of cleaning was anymore if it was just a reminder of how lonely I was. I didn’t even care about being evicted because I was so depressed over C abandoning me. I eventually lost the apartment and before I left for good, I wrote two letters, one for C and one for his grandma. In C’s letter, I told him what our friendship had meant to me and that I was completely broken without his friendship. I told him that it really hurt me that he broke his promise to me. I let him know that I kept my end of the promise and never told anyone about the secrets he told me. I said goodbye to him and that a part of me always knew that he’d eventually hate me just like everyone else had and that I was returning game guide books back to him in the condition that they were when I borrowed them. In the letter to his grandma, I thanked her for her kindness and asked her to not speak to me if she saw me in public because it’d be a reminder of C. I told her how I believed it was my fault he hated me so much and how miserable I was and it was better that I was evicted because everything in that apartment complex was a reminder of C. I went to the apartment to leave the letters in the door when his grandma opened it. She saw me opening the storm door to stick the letter inside. She invited me to talk to her outside for a bit and she read the letter and instantly knew how truly upset I had been for an entire year. She told me that she’d make sure C got his letter and his books were given back to him. She hugged me before I left and I returned to my apartment and started crying again. For the next five years I felt miserable and blamed myself for what had happened. Everyone knows that the death of a loved one hurts and there are books all about that type of loss and advice on how yo prepare for it but there is absolutely nothing for how to deal with losing a good friend especially after the death of a loved one. Nothing could ever prepare me for that type of trauma. Even now it hurts do much just talking about it. I just wish I knew what I did wrong.
I have been afraid to make new friends since then and only have one actually friend I’ve made since then but I don’t get to see him because he doesn’t live in my area and I can’t in him over because he’s in a wheelchair and my house isn’t wheelchair friendly and there is also the issue of the bathroom being on the second floor. He knows about C and he has been a better friend to me since I met him. But I still need more friends and I’m afraid to open myself up again to new people and I don’t know where to go to make some friends. I’m just so afraid of it happening again.
But trauma from my mom leaving us isn’t what this post is about. Back in February 2011, I was finally free from my abuser’s control but I was unable to cut her completely out of my life as I couldn’t control when she came down to my dad’s shop while I was there. I was waiting outside the GameStop waiting for the store to open so I could trade in a DS game I didn’t like very much and get something else. There was a kid a few years younger than me waiting to pick up the game he preordered. He said hi to me and I didn’t say anything because I was still weary of people after my abuser had physically attacked me. So he got his game and left the store and I traded mine in and got a different one. So on the walk home, I saw the same kid from before suddenly walking towards me and introduced himself as C and said that he had actually seen me before because his uncle and grandma both had apartments in the same complex where I lived and had my first apartment. I still didn’t fully trust him and kept the conversation to a minimum. A few days went by and I saw him again outside and he started to talk to me again and I slowly allowed him to get to know me. It turned out that he was also autistic and liked Pokémon and Barbies too and we had several things in common. We eventually formed a friendship and he heard some of the things my abuser said to me and what was wrong with me and he told me that she was wrong and nothing was wrong with me. He made me feel perfectly normal for the first time in my life and not like I was some curse to the world. My mental health improved because I was motivated to get better because of C. I even told him all about my fears of being abandoned and hated by everyone and that I believed that I did nothing but ruin the lives of everyone I meet. He told me that it wasn’t true and that I didn’t ruin his life. He then promised me that he would never abandon or hate me. Remember that promise. It will be very important later.
In December of that year, my mom was diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 lung cancer. This left me in shock when my sister told me the news over the phone and I had just made a genuine connection with my mom after escaping my abuser and the relationship was finally able to happen without my abuser sabotaging the entire thing just so I’d stay loyal to her and call her my mom. My abuser would often refer to my sister and me as her “kids.” Anyway I was upset for a few months that I was going to lose my mom again and this time for good. I told C the news and he comforted and during that time he introduced me to a small local church via a guy who worked at the mall and was the church musician during their weekly service. I was weary of churches since I was younger and I was hesitant at first but the lure of the free donuts and coffee that they gave attendees hooked me in. I was only going to church at first for the donuts. But slowly I started regaining my belief in God and opened up my heart again after being so afraid of religion for do long after several bad experiences that happened inside them involving other kids. I was even forming a small friend group through the church and C and my life and mood were improving greatly.
I felt motivated to clean and not dread it because my abuser had forced me to clean her entire townhouse and if I missed a spot , she’d start having a screaming fit and slap me across the face and the ordered me to do it all over again and to “do it right this time!” I had developed a fear after I escaped of my apartment being “too clean.” What this meant was I developed a fear of seeing completely open and empty space in my apartment and it made me anxious because I kept imagining my abuser suddenly kicking open my apartment door screaming at me that my place was “still a pigsty” and making a mess on purpose and then ordering me to do it over before leaving. I still sometimes get that thought but it’s decreased ever since she died. Having C as a friend gave me the motivation to clean and not see it as a punishment.
I had developed a small unacquainted crush on C that I knew would never be reciprocated because he was straight and had a girlfriend and I accepted that fact and was satisfied with him just being my friend. I respected the boundary he set for me. I was just happy having him as a friend. Two years went by and during that time I formed a friendship with his grandmother who would occasionally invite me over for dinner and give me leftovers do that I wouldn’t go hungry as I got very little money and very few in food stamps. She also helped me sign up to get food monthly from the local food pantry. I was finally happy for once and my sister saw this every time we talked on the phone. We originally had a plan that after I had escaped from my abuser that we’d start finding a way to get me to move up north to live close to her and her husband and get me the support I needed which meant filling out paperwork. Because of C and how much I improved and was happy, we agreed that moving me away from the area would be a negative impact on me in the long run as I also had a good support system and losing it might make me have a major setback. Staying in the area was for my best interest. During this time I flew out every few months to spend time with my mom before it was too late. The visits gave me early closure and acceptance that I was going to lose my mom.
During the second week of May 2013 and a few weeks after my 28th birthday, my sister called me to tell me our mom didn’t have much longer to live and was entering hospice the following week. Our mom had just been hospitalized for some issues that the chemo was causing her to have. She asked me to come see our mom together and spend several days just in case so I wouldn’t regret not seeing our mom one final time. I had managed to get a couple of plane tickets to fly out to visit my mom with my dad’s help and he bought three tickets with the first that took me to my mom, the second was so I could fly up north to visit my dad’s mother and sister, and the last one do I could go home. I was to leave on Tuesday May 14. I never got to take that trip because on Friday May 10, I got a call from my sister who was crying hysterically because our mom had suddenly gone into critical condition after choking on a bit of scrabbled eggs and it entered her lung. She was put on life support. My sister told me that I needed to fly out immediately and so my dad and his friend were frantically trying to get me tickets to fly out later that day but weren’t getting any luck but we kept trying. Eventually we had to stop to go to lunch and that’s when my sister told me that our mom didn’t have much time left and I needed to say my goodbyes to her over the phone. I said my goodbyes to her and the call ended. Thirty minutes later, my sister told me that she had died. For the rest of the day I was silent and withdrawn which my dad understood the reason and let me go home early to mourn. When I got home, I immediately told C and his grandma the news and then called the pastor of the church about my mom. He invited me over to his house to help his family prepare small gifts that they intended to give out as Mother’s Day gifts to any moms in attendance that Sunday. It was what I needed at the time and I found some comfort with my recent loss.
The following week C began avoiding me and acting differently. I saw him outside and just said hi to him and he responded with, “If you value your life, you’ll leave me alone and go away.” It wasn’t unusual for him to get this way and he would usually return to normal after a few days by himself but not this time. A week went by and I had received a couple boxes of my mom’s belongings and I knew that I couldn’t sort everything by myself. I went over to his grandma’s apartment to ask him for some help and company. He answered the door and saw me and yelled, “Grandma! It’s for you!” and he left without even saying hi to me. I asked her if I did anything wrong and she told me that she was sure I was fine. A month went by and C kept ignoring me and it began to hurt me emotionally. I went over to talk to his grandma and I asked her why he wasn’t talking to me and if he hated me all of the sudden. She told me she was sure why he was acting this way and that she didn’t think I did anything wrong. I began sitting alone in silence waiting for him to knock on my door and asking to hang out again. That never happened and I began spiraling into a serious depressive state and just stopped cleaning because I didn’t see what the point was anymore. No one at the time understood that being abandoned by C right after my mom had died had completely broken me. I was a complete mess crying all the time when I was home and I kept blaming myself. A year went by and I just became an empty shell that was constantly sad and miserable. I didn’t understand what I did for C to hate me and I still don’t. My case worker thought that I wasn’t cleaning because I was being lazy even though I clearly said that I didn’t see what the point of cleaning was anymore if it was just a reminder of how lonely I was. I didn’t even care about being evicted because I was so depressed over C abandoning me. I eventually lost the apartment and before I left for good, I wrote two letters, one for C and one for his grandma. In C’s letter, I told him what our friendship had meant to me and that I was completely broken without his friendship. I told him that it really hurt me that he broke his promise to me. I let him know that I kept my end of the promise and never told anyone about the secrets he told me. I said goodbye to him and that a part of me always knew that he’d eventually hate me just like everyone else had and that I was returning game guide books back to him in the condition that they were when I borrowed them. In the letter to his grandma, I thanked her for her kindness and asked her to not speak to me if she saw me in public because it’d be a reminder of C. I told her how I believed it was my fault he hated me so much and how miserable I was and it was better that I was evicted because everything in that apartment complex was a reminder of C. I went to the apartment to leave the letters in the door when his grandma opened it. She saw me opening the storm door to stick the letter inside. She invited me to talk to her outside for a bit and she read the letter and instantly knew how truly upset I had been for an entire year. She told me that she’d make sure C got his letter and his books were given back to him. She hugged me before I left and I returned to my apartment and started crying again. For the next five years I felt miserable and blamed myself for what had happened. Everyone knows that the death of a loved one hurts and there are books all about that type of loss and advice on how yo prepare for it but there is absolutely nothing for how to deal with losing a good friend especially after the death of a loved one. Nothing could ever prepare me for that type of trauma. Even now it hurts do much just talking about it. I just wish I knew what I did wrong.
I have been afraid to make new friends since then and only have one actually friend I’ve made since then but I don’t get to see him because he doesn’t live in my area and I can’t in him over because he’s in a wheelchair and my house isn’t wheelchair friendly and there is also the issue of the bathroom being on the second floor. He knows about C and he has been a better friend to me since I met him. But I still need more friends and I’m afraid to open myself up again to new people and I don’t know where to go to make some friends. I’m just so afraid of it happening again.
