Trauma Bonding

[ms spock]

Yes. This. It feels like a trigger to me. There is something unresolved there for me. Only with some people. So yes, codependent behaviour but not a codependent personality if that makes any sense.

Not really but I will keep reading along as it is most interesting.

 

[ms spock]

All I can figure is that my primitive hind brain thinks, "This person is treating me like garbage. He must be someone I need for survival, care, love. Bond to him. Don't let go."

That is a profound insight - I didn't get it the first time I read it. Wow.

 

[Fadeaway]

This couldn't have come at a better time. A nice reminder to stay away from someone who is toxic that I miss. This describes our relationship when I was a child and young adult so well.

I want to look into this farther. This looks like something worth researching more.

 

[ghotiff]

Only with some people. So yes, codependent behaviour but not a codependent personality if that makes any sense.

This makes sense to me. My interpretation is that only with some people this happens, not generally. Maybe if you find a common link with those that bring this out in you you can be more wary of people with this trait. For me I know there are consistent traits of people I form unhealthy attachments to. Some of these traits are too generic to be terribly useful, eg male.

 

[Powder]

Recognizing that you're doing this (any of this kind of self-harm in any form, relationships to others or to self) is the largest first step. Once through that step, the "rewrite" of the script is wide open.
I think it is very hard, and take a lot of courage. So @shimmerz, huge respect for what you're doing, and everyone else working this stuff.

Asking:

1. What do I (and any good person trying to do life right) deserve? What would God or my dog want for me? What would I want for me if I were my BFF? Tough to answer this when you've gotten mostly crappy others growing up, so be willing to imagine a better world.

2. What would a better future, job, relationship look and feel like? Envision it, find photos online of it, dream it, talk about it, make it real. This step can be really hard for some people, and can go into fantasy for dissociators.
Often, there is a need to loop back and do the first (what have I been tolerating that does not make my life better?) and #1 and then revisit 2 as often as practical.

3. Research and take action. Take small steps to become your true self, which you alone recognize, but those who love you and support you will encourage. Take help when offered by safe others. Ask for help on daily small tasks to support your vision and actions. Get a buddy to help you stay on track; use whatever you have and love, even a forum or a YouTube video person you find inspiring and take a daily dose.

4. Be positive and focus on your past accomplishments and future potential. Don't wallow in failures and mistakes; they happen to everyone.

Be honest with yourself and others about your toughness and how far you've come. There is no shame in creating a new life from the ashes. Only shitty people would be aversive to someone rebuilding their lives. Ditch em now.

I know this sounds "advice-y" but it's how I move forward and away from those who are toxic or narcissistic. I also ask, if I can't be my true self (selves) at least 75% in front of this person, then what's the point of being with them? If they are my boss or neighbor, that's one thing, but not for optional relationships.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with keeping acquaintances at a further distance that in the past when one was hurt, and there is no problem being cautious and testing out the territory when it feels safe.

As in physical fitness, so is emotional/relational. There is no "going back pre-injury" only forward. Go in love, and do your best. Love yourself every step, all the way. Get good help, and be willing to deal with setbacks and new realizations about how TERRIBLE it actually was back then, and how different it is now. No problem with that.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Some of this sounds like "fawn responses." Something I read about out here via a post. It's where one defers to narcissists, basically, and why. Yes, there are elements of codependency involved; however, it's more about mental programming and perceived payoffs in relationships. I hope that makes sense. I wish I could remember the author of the article. He is a LCSW who was quoted in another post. It might just add to what you've already listed above, but worth a read as you seem to be a seeker like me. VB

 

[ghotiff]

sounds like "fawn responses."

Omg. This is so important for me. They are always people who bring out my inner fawn. I grew up fawning so it's very comfortable, unhealthy but comfortable.

 

[shimmerz]

They are always people who bring out my inner fawn

This sounds like a possibility but I am not certain what inner fawn might be....narcs have a ton of qualities, so I wonder if that might not be too general.... or were they certain types of qualities? @ghotiff , so happy this helped you!

 

[VioletButterfly1]

I found it! The author of the work I sited above is Pete Walker. He has a number of articles at his website that are very interesting. The one I was thinking of is Codependency and the Fawn Response. It's one of the faulty thought/behavior patterns I've been trying to correct. VB

 

[ghotiff]

I have friends who look to me for guidance and other friends that I look to them for guidance but there is another type that I look to them on matters that I know more, that I trust their judgement more than my own etc. this is what I mean by my inner fawn, I take an overly deferential role in the friendship dynamic. Does that make sense?

In terms of characteristics, for me there are physical attributes that they share. Not hair colour, but that type of attribute.

 

[shimmerz]

I take an overly deferential role in the friendship dynamic

Sh!t. Yes. This is it. Whenever I feel like I am walking on eggshells of some sort in the relationship. Thank you so much @ghotiff. That is it. :hug:

That gives me something solid to work with.

 

[ms spock]

All I can figure is that my primitive hind brain thinks, "This person is treating me like garbage. He must be someone I need for survival, care, love. Bond to him. Don't let go."[ /QUOTE]
I keep going back to this, and I can't believe how apt that is for me. So I am blown away.