Trauma Bonding

[ms spock]

Are you interested in sharing @Ms Spock?

I would @shimmerz, but it is all encompassing so I don't know how to express it yet. It even effects the ways in which I interact with people online.

I get the feeling that a bunch of people here do things to attract people who are not helpful and they don't even realize how.... just wondering if it might help others...

We do things to attract the unhelpful people because of the way the Complex Trauma molded us, it sets us up to be revictimised in our lives. The ACE Study documents this. So I think working out our patterns encoded in our bodies and our minds could be most useful.

 

[Dana1010]

As my trauma started to really break through to surface, I noticed Narcissists as if they were wearing bells.

Wow, I wish I could acquire this skill. Can you give more detail about how you know? Also, what do you mean about your trauma breaking through? Do you mean PTSD?

 

[Powder]

For me, I believe that complex trauma is an attack on the soul of the child. The abuser's intention is to weaken the victim, to distance her from her natural talents and gifts and to get her to become as dark as the almost soul-less attackers. They attack the self of the child. If the connection to self is not strong, they might succeed in dimming someone's light. That's my belief, not a fact.

I believe I sent away my true self for safekeeping, like "in storage" and that I spiritually had access to it the whole time, like a spiritual safety deposit box. But over time, I forgot how to access it and lost the key.

For me this is a core, essential self issue, that psychology and clinical lab science in discussion dissociation doesn't get at the heart of this matter for me.

I appreciate science and the theory of dissociation and use it all the time. But to get the key to my true self, I had to work alone and in my spirit. It's about using whatever gifts one has to pursue a healthy self-acceptance and restore a self-love/respect. It's undoing what was done, and reclaiming what was never truly lost.

Gratefully, states of feeling totally jaded and cynical that occur for survivors often can pass. When and if the cloud passes, there is this window of opportunity. In this brief vacation from the negativity, I am able to find the part of me that knows that my attackers never had the ability to hurt my soul; it is safe in my own care. I call this self-mastery, and my goal is to find out what feeds it and try to extend it however I can. I use self-care, positive self dialogue, surrounding myself with only positive people as much as I can, and not selling out to maintain what I can. There is this part of me that has no self-doubt. I believe I am very capable and almost unstoppable when what I work on is good and aligned with "the master plan." But I fall down often into despair and have to do it all over again. Most survivors and other people have to work harder to maintain self-dignity, relationships, jobs, healthy lifestyle, and so on. I accept that it will likely always take work.

Joining these ego states and "integration" is the hardest part. I have to admit that I am a kingdom divided, almost to the point of DID, but co-conscious. I have to listen to all the states, even though they often conflict and find a creative way to honor and try to understand why each part of me feels and thinks as it does. Rather than map it out, I'm discovering and using the talents of each.

So I believe that whatever abilities that exist for you but are not "on" all the time, can be trained to be on more by choosing a life of radical self acceptance and commitment to using whatever broken shards of self are left to put the piece back together. Creating a vision of wholeness that never could be destroyed, however you can make yourself truly feel and believe that, is, for me, how this journey started.

Rather than wait for a savior or trust in something/someone outside of myself, more and more, I think for someone so traumatized, that only working from the inside with basic steps of self-trust, and building that up daily as much as possible. Well, I'm frankly surprised what effect it's had. It's like turning the lights on in rooms left empty too long. I don't feel that different, but less "damaged."

The other thing is, I don't accept that the trauma and all that it left me with is any kind of excuse for me to be anything I don't like.

A very respected survivor wanted to connect over the idea that the trauma sort of warped us. I didn't contradict him, because I respect his trauma and recovery journey for the hard work that it is. We are not the same even though we are similar. But I also didn't give power to that claim because I refuse to use my trauma as an excuse for what I choose or become.

One of my T's said anyone who was attacked and who fought back, especially if it did some good, can be very empowering later on.

Four years into major flashback and crying on the floor for hours territory, with major depression and misery and anger, I flashbacked to a memory in which I did fight back and won against my mom. Just knowing that even though I wasn't super thrilled with it all at the time, after all no kid should have to stop mom from drowning little sister by hitting her on the head repeatedly with a river rock...:( and though I felt guilty for it at the time, and that death was waiting just round the corner from both parents at any given moment, I do think that it's always good to fight back, even in a "win the battle, lose the war" relationship like I had with two dangerous parents. Small victories. These I hold up like golden trophies, because I think that in a way, all of deserve a trophy for being here and not giving up.

So my point is that I trudged through 4 years of shaming and humiliating trauma memories of learned helplessness for one pitiful memory that had at least a silver lining. I fought back once and won. This MIGHT be why I am a fighter, maybe it taught me not to give up. I don't even know. But I feel it was worth the four years of trauma "reliving" to get to the memory of that victorious battle. I'm so proud of my inner children who went through so much and never stopped loving, never let go of the buried soul as a place to reclaim.

I was a slave for many years, and I fought for my freedom. In that process, so many things have become clearer to me. The damnable high cost for that freedom makes being around people who are similar to those who hurt me so deeply an intolerable feeling.

So these inner alarms go off. I just don't want to keep the servitude going. I refuse it. I'd rather die than be enslaved again by narcissists and their black holes for hearts. There's

 

[ms spock]

One of my T's said anyone who was attacked and who fought back, especially if it did some good, can be very empowering later on.

I flashbacked to a memory in which I did fight back and won against my mom. Just knowing that even though I wasn't super thrilled with it all at the time, after all no kid should have to stop mom from drowning little sister by hitting her on the head repeatedly with a river rock...:( and though I felt guilty for it at the time, and that death was waiting just round the corner from both parents at any given moment, I do think that it's always good to fight back, even in a "win the battle, lose the war" relationship like I had with two dangerous parents. Small victories. These I hold up like golden trophies, because I think that in a way, all of deserve a trophy for being here and not giving up.

I fought back once and won. This MIGHT be why I am a fighter, maybe it taught me not to give up. I don't even know.

I had this - not exactly the same, but I did stop my father from suffocating my little brother in a garbage bin - I didn't think of it like this though. That is helpful for me.

 

[Powder]

I don't think we attract abusers; rather we wish to find familiarity and make it safe now. Self isolation is one way to weed out everyone and thusly avoid them. But that isn't healing. And I wonder what you think, but I think it would set me up to go for a replica of my abusers.

It's a risk to let anyone be near, for all involved. Calculated and well observed risks turn out for the better more than unobserved and impulsive risk taking. And of course, there is the self-awareness issue. "Why do I find this person attractive?" "Should that give me pause?" "Which of my abusers does this person 'replace' and mitigate?" How are they 25% "better" than the abuser? Does it matter, cause they are still an a**hole, overall.

Even TV personas that I seem to enjoy somehow 'replace and mitigate' one of my original PTSD-inducing family members. I identify who they replace and how they resemble them (their voice, their body language, their lack of emotional intelligence, their narcissism, their need to dominate everyone else). Doing this feels quite yucky. Feels a bit worse than reading the contents on a food you want but know it's full of junk you know is rotten some of which you can't even pronounce.

Then, I tell myself it's normal for abused people do feel attracted toward a replace/fix for the damage. And I forgive the abusive person for being the thing that they are to the extent they maybe couldn't help being evil. I also allow anger for the fact that some of that person's behavior was obviously a deliberate choice on their part. Suddenly, the person on TV is no longer attractive in a mysterious way, and I see what I see in them and why. Finally, the hard part is forgiving myself for being in this situation, for being only human and attracted to traits that actually should totally repel me, even in fictional characters or TV personalities.

And I think entertaining these desires in the imagination is better than in reality with real people, but the inner work is similar.

 

[Dana1010]

I don't think we attract abusers; rather we wish to find familiarity and make it safe now.

And I think entertaining these desires in the imagination is better than in reality with real people, but the inner work is similar.

On the subject of the inner work, have you found anything useful? All I can do so far is keep reminding myself of the reason for my attachment to people who treat me bad (the original attachment to parents who treated me bad). And that is actually proving to be pretty helpful--I had a pretty good day yesterday; went outside for a walk to the store and didn't feel like I was dying for a change. Whenever that happens, I know I've hit on something. The problem is it's hard to hold onto that moment of clarity when things start getting hectic and I make mistakes and get mad at myself for stuff, etc. But I'm trying to keep working on it. Do you have any tips on how to do the inner work?

 

[Powder]

That's a tough question, and I suspect that the inner critic is somewhere in the mix of the answer. It's essentially working against the grain of the PTSD wiring to outsmart it. Fighting back for a good cause.

I'd like to help but not sure if I can. I'll try. I'm sick with a headache, so this might come out kinda "off." My belief is you've been doing this your whole life and just need to do more of it in some branch out ways, I suspect. Having someone to say "I've seen a difference in how you're able to handle ___ over the last few months doesn't hurt either. It's nice to have positive feedback to stay motivated on the hard days when you want to give up.

I have a lot of fine tuning to do, my friend. Much of it for me is a daily working on that "inner critical" voice so that it doesn't control me; I control it. This gets reversed when I'm sick, tired, over stressed, but I can get it back in gear faster than in the past based on failing and getting back in the saddle again. You can too. Having good support, cutting out toxic people, and limiting exposure to supportive or people also doing their inner work really helps.

It's just counterproductive to disrespect any aspect of yourself. You don't have to love everything, but having a basic respect for all aspects of yourself is a goal to commit to. And not accepting any unfair criticism for anything that is you is also part of it. Learning not to over-react to criticisms and slights is another topic/thread, for sure.

That's what I mean by radical self approval. You just decide "them's the new rules" and start holding yourself to only a fair/positive self-assessment at all times, total self-respect, not out of deserving but out of observing this new/better way of thinking. I read this kind of thing in Pete Walker, Louise Hay, and others.

For me, often in the past, and once recently, if anything went into a result I didn't like, I felt a huge failure, and it was like a slide downward in like 2 seconds flat to suicidal feelings. For a while, I was stuck in that mode for years, thinking of suicide several times a day. The 'inner critic' was always 24-7 either attacking me inside or lashing out, so I'd verbally attack the other person near me. Someone was always being gouged by this nasty inner critic.

Along with this inner critic, Surprise! I have control issues! I just try to work with it rather than hate on it. I try to balance with controlling what I seem to need to to stay sane, but also to practice letting go and handing control over regularly to those I trust, which is very hard until it works out well several times.

This is also a Trust and Listen issue for me. All of this stuff is intimately connected. So, as you can see, there is PLENTY, and I never run out of inner workouts to do.

Have you seen that commercial for "Daily Burn" that sends mini workouts to your phone? Or read that joke about not needing a personal trainer so much as someone to follow you around and slap junk food out of your hand. The junk food ninja? :ninja:

I feel like creating a C-PTSD app that sends reminders to my phone, like "Just trust someone for 2 minutes today! You can do it!" or "Listen to someone you disagree with for 2 minutes! You can do it!" or "Get in the car and go somewhere spontaneous and don't plan it! You can do it!"

The ensuing panic attacks when I feel lost or not in control are gonna happen, but I know how to handle them. I know I'm not the only person who goes through them. And I take them as a sign that I'm pushing myself maybe a bit too hard, or maybe a growing pain.

Boy I hope some of my ramble helps someone, but I doubt it! Don't feel well.

Take care! Hugs if you want them @Dana1010 . :hug:

 

[Caroline greenlaw]

Thanks for sharing, I can totally relate to this, and unfortunately it's the only kind of bonding I've ever achieved within a so called intimate relationship, my husband treated me the same way my dad did, rejecting, belittling, dismissing and worthless, it took 18 years for me to walk away, and i had dreamt of walking away for all those years but always had some plausible reason why I should put up and stay, then more recently I met, what felt like the love of my life, I felt totally comfortable with another human being for the first time in my life, ah well, this one was definitely my mother, a raging maniac, who stalked and at times threatened and terrorised me, no one could understand why I would be attracted to this man, he causes trouble wherever he goes, but to me he was and still is the most attractive man on the planet, and I know it's crazy!
Why am I not attracted to normal healthy people? Because I'm not familiar with normal and deep down believe that I deserve to be treated this way, without any self esteem to build on, it's going to be a challenge to change these patterns and beliefs.

 

[Weemie]

This sounds quite similar to codependency, to me.

this was my train of thought too because it can happen between two people who have ptsd too you get codependent and feed into negative cycles because trauma is the backdrop for your interactions. that's not what trauma bonding is but it reminded me of that. like mental illness communities, going to AA etc. but who knows what is healthy and unhealthy these days. sometimes you just need someone familiar.

 

[ms spock]

Why am I not attracted to normal healthy people? Because I'm not familiar with normal and deep down believe that I deserve to be treated this way, without any self esteem to build on, it's going to be a challenge to change these patterns and beliefs.

That is great insight. We do tend to seek out what is familiar. It does make it a challenge. Have you broken it down to babysteps?

 

[The Albatross]

The baby step to seeking out what is familiar is being willing to risk being uncomfortable but with rational awareness of a generally more beneficial choice.

 

[Powder]

I agree with @The Albatross that departing into a new fork in the road, trying even though it's totally foreign to do so, to demand a better treatment and a better life is the only critical factor.

In this sense, being a creative person has its benefits. You have to imagine a better life for yourself than what you come from.