Trauma Diary

[Healing Reins]

Actually can I take that back? Truth is I don't know what I want. I think I know what I want but the more I think about it, the less appealing the option seems. (and that is for being out of treatment and going to treatment.) Like the more I think about going to treatment the more I want out. The more I think about fixing this myself, the more I realize I can stay home and fix this. It's really confusing. It's a lot of mind f*ckery

 

[Justmehere]

Your family is the second most likely people in your life to be in denial. It is extremely common in eating disorders for the family of the sufferer to be the last ones to see how much their family member is hurting and how badly they need help ASAP. It is commonly very hard for them to see and accept their loved one needs help. So frankly, their opinion that you can wait three more weeks while your heart is not longer functioning normally is not a reliable opinion.

What's really heartbreaking is that it seems like the people around you are focused on the behavior, and missing why you are doing this...

If you think you are "fine," then you are still in denial too - and you are not ready to stop.

I do not believe you will get better until you stop minimizing this to your youth group leader, and everyone else - including yourself.

You have not accepted the seriousness of your condition. In my opinion, this is your biggest barrier to getting well. Not distance of providers or anything else. Those are obstacles that can be easily overcome once others and you realize the full picture of your pain and symptoms and how much your life is in danger.

I do not think you are fine nor do I believe your doctor thinks you are "fine" or "doing well." Not from what you describe she says.

I also am concerned your denial and efforts to minimize your condition and pain to everyone around you and to push them away -- this is coloring how you are representing what the doctor says, and how you are describing your symptoms to the doctors and others. I do not think you are lying, but I don't think you are really fully being open and honest with the doctor, your therapist, your school counselor, your family, your mentor, etc - I think you are really scared if what being fully honest about everything to people who want to help you and what that would mean - painful and hard (but very healing and freeing) changes and work to do.

Another way to look at it... If I told you I had a slow heart rate and "so basically I'm fine" - would you think I was ok?

If I told you I had been vomiting so much I tore up my esophagus and "so basically I'm fine" - would you think I was ok?

Would you describe me as being "fine" if my electrolytes were so off kilter my heart was no longer beating regularly?

How would you feel if I was vomiting blood at school and choose not to get help? Would you think that was a good idea for me to do?

Or would you want me to go get my own self into outpatient treatment today, and then into inpatient as soon as I could?

I am not meaning to be cruel at all --i care about you and I do want to be very clear and tell you what you either are not hearing, or others are not realizing through your efforts to minimize...

If your heart rate is slowing, your life is in danger.

People drop dead from heart attacks from bulimia due messed up electrolytes way too often. It happened to a friend of mine while she was at work.

Your life is in your hands. You have options to get help, you have so bravely admitted you can't do this on your own... but it's up to you to be willing and ready to get help. Not your parents, not your doctor, not anyone else other than you.

They are for now leaving the choice up to you - and soon, very soon, that choice may be taken from you or it may be too late.

I'm pretty sure if you called your doctor and therapist and said clearly to then that you need to give the outpatient eating disorder clinic one last try until you can go inpatient, and you need their help to get you in there ASAP, they would get you into the clinic ASAP. (And if they didn't, they would be committing serious malpractice.)

I do not know of anyone who had this amount of trauma, ptsd, and eating disorder symptoms and was able to get better without treatment.

If you could do this without help, wouldn't you have done that by now?

How much worse do things need to get before you would get help? If you vomited more blood than you are? Yesterday you describes chunks of blood. How much more blood would you have to vomit before you got help? If your heart stopped? Would that be serious enough? I don't know of worse symptoms you could have from bulimia and survive than what you already are experiencing.

I care lots about you. My questions not rhetorical questions but ones I hope you consider carefully. You don't have to answer. The choices are all yours at this point.

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere I'm on ED rules at home, so that's a step. My parents are calling the school tomorrow (remember I go to a really small school- with like 10 kids) So I can't go to the bathroom after meals. Progress is being made.

 

[Healing Reins]

It's a really shitty step because ED rules at home are

@Justmehere I think they are taking this very serious

So my mom texted me this: I changed it so it says I instead of you


"You are now on ED rules. Incase you have forgotten what they entail, here is the list your father and I have put together. Your curfew is now 7:00 until further notice. If you are not back by 7 please expect some consequences. Remember we love you all the way to the moon and back, and we are doing this because we care and love you so much.

P.S If you think you will sneak out to be with friends tonight or any other night- think again."

me: "Can I be back at nine?"

mom: "No seven. Or else..."

me: "Why seven"

mom: "Because I said so"

me: "That literally is the dumbest reason I have ever heard. You should be a lawyer. I'm sure you could get far with being a lawyer."

mom: "Alright 6:00. Be back by 6:00"


Here is the list:

"'{Home}
-I have to eat foods with high fats
-I have to count in the bathroom at all times
-mom or dad gets to sleep with me
-I can't go to the bathroom until 45 minutes after
-I have to be supervised if I workout
-no swimming
-no cardio
-my new best friend is gatorade (so yuck)
-I have to contain in my body 1500 calories a day.. (I physically can not do that.)
-I have to be insight of parents at all times
{With Allison (Mentor) }
-if I'm with my mentor, I have to count for her if I go to the bathroom
-I have to eat all my food with her
-she has to check it off that I ate all my food
-In therapy I have to not use the bathroom
-I have to go to therapy at least twice a week if I'm on ED rules at home
{At School} - We have notified the school, and these rules are taking place starting tomorrow. If you argue with the school about ANYTHING at all you will be sent home and on Bed rest. We both know how much you like bed rest, and being at home..especially on ED rules. So I advise you to keep your mouth shut. (pun intended)
-I have to check in with staff once a day about my eating
-eat all my lunch no throwing it away or making it look like I ate it
-no bathroom breaks (Unless you are about to pee your pants...I say make you hold it, your father disagrees with me on this one.)
-be in LOS (Line of Sight)
-Counting for Hillary if I have to go to the bathroom. And if she isn't available...I have to hold it"

I hate my life. I hate rules. I hate my parents.

 

[Healing Reins]

I've been thinking about why I've been doing this and I don't know why.

 

[Healing Reins]

Control. I want control in my life. It's stereotypical but I feel like I get control when I purge

 

[Healing Reins]

What I want from life.
------------------------------
I just want all of this to go away. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I want my rapes to disappear, I want my PTSD to go away, I want my depression to go away. I want my eating disorder to go away too. I want my questions about God answered. I want to know if I'll feel better soon. I want to feel better. I really want the pain to go away. What I really want is to be happy. I think at times I can pretend to be happy, but I'm not really happy with life. I make people believe that I'm happy, but honestly I'm not happy at all.

The Truth is
--------------------
I'm scared of what's happening to my body. I'm scared my body is shutting down. I'm scared of losing the people I love. I have Borderline personality Disorder. I don't have my license, I feel like a failure. I'm graduating. I'm happy about graduating. This is really the only place I write down all of my feelings. I think I'm gay (?) I'm not sure anymore

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Healing Reins You were diagnosed with Borderline?

It's okay to have feelings, it's okay to talk about them. I wonder if you are afraid of sharing things. Where does that come from?

It's okay to admit you are not happy. Remember to ask for help so you don't hurt yourself.

It's okay to question your sexuality. It's okay to wonder.

Take care and keep talking.

 

[Healing Reins]

@Ayesha - yeah I have borderline.

I guess I've had a bad experience with sharing things. It started when I was 13 and In treatment. If I shared how I felt I would have to go on safety (because I felt so bad so much of the time) which is basically ed rules x 10. So I felt like if I shared how I really felt I would get punished. I still feel that I will get punished. Like if I share how scared I am about my food stuff- I will have to go into treatment.

I think I'm gay because my friend and I made out I don't know why we did, we just did. We were bored so we decided to make out. It was super triggering but at the same time I felt comfortable with my choice.

I'm not happy being on ED rules. I'm just not happy in general.

 

[Healing Reins]

On a side note: I don't mean to hurt myself. It's not like I think in my head "today is a lovely day to throw up blood." I'm not doing this on purpose. It's just kind of happening because I continue to throw up. I need to stop but I don't know if I can do on my own anymore...

I have decided that I don't want to die. In order for me to live I need to stop throwing up. I need to stop throwing up. Those 6 words are so powerful. They hold so much power.

 

[Healing Reins]

I want to give up. I want to stop. I feel like I don't have the energy to get better. This is killing me.[DOUBLEPOST=1400696361,1400696106][/DOUBLEPOST]I really like the idea of writing out everything. Writing out my feelings to everything. It's nice

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere What's cardio? What can I do when I work out? I'm on the bike right now and then I'm going to lift weights and then go on the elliptical.