Trauma Diary

[Healing Reins]

Thank you for educating me!! :)

 

[Healing Reins]

I threw up a pool of blood. I showed my counselor at school today she almost called 911. It was bad. I have to stop throwing up. I HAVE to stop. I'm scared my body is shutting down. I'm really scared. I think I pushed it too far today.[DOUBLEPOST=1400555513,1400555419][/DOUBLEPOST]She was like dialing it and I grabbed the phone from her. She told my mom. I have to go to the doctor now.

 

[StarChild]

Thank you for educating me!

I'm quite tired and a bit exhausted at the moment. So I'm a bit unsure of how to take this... I just hope you didn't feel lectured by my post. If so, please feel free to just tell me.

I think I pushed it too far today.

Dear Healing Reins, may I ask you, what you mean by that? Please don't harm yourself. You're a young, beautiful looking and intelligent woman. So sad you can't see yourself this way.

I will accompany you to the doctor with my thoughts.

 

[Healing Reins]

@SweetLullaby I was being serious. Thank you. I feel kind of dumb for not knowing all of that, but oh well.

I pushed it too far. There was a lot of blood. I think I must have ruptured something.

 

[Healing Reins]

"There are two types of blood that a bulimic normally throws up.

The first is light colored, thin and pretty bright red--this is not very dangerous. usually appears as red streaks in the vomit. it usually means just a surface scratch in the throat or mouth and that something of a petty scratch. it may hurt and even cause your throat to sting, but still is just a minor problem. however--if the bleeding persists, or there is a lot of blood, it's wise to call your doctor.

The second is thick, dark blood nearly brown or black that appears to be coffee grounds--thick and chunky. it will be metallic tasting so you know it is blood, and may be very dark red if examined closely. this is DANGEROUS. get to an EMERGENCY ROOM if anything resembling this is in your vomit. this is internal bleeding from deep in your body, from an internal organ or your ruptured esophagus. this can kill you or deeply hurt you, so act quickly and TELL SOMEONE fast to help you help yourself. you must get medical attention NOW.

So rule of thumb--light is alright, dark and thick means you're really sick."

-it was dark, and had two clumps in it. The clumps weren't large, but they were still noticeable. Maybe they were food or something. I'm concerned though

 

[Healing Reins]

I've come to the conclusion that it's time to stop throwing up. I can't do this anymore.
I will stop
I will stop.
I will stop

 

[StarChild]

Okay, I've already written this in a PM to you, but I'll put it in here also, because what you're doing to yourself is playing with your health, and even your own life.

Look, to throw up a lot of blood can indicate, that one, several or one major blood vessel is damaged. I say can, because I don't see into your body right now. Another complication could arise: that it still bleeds and started to coagulate (to clump together). So a thrombosis and or an infarct could establish. I mean a stroke in your brain, a pulmonary embolism and so on could be a possible second complication(s). And there a quite a few more; The walls of your stomach could thin out and with time they could rupture. To get some of the eaten content in your stomach oozing out into your abdomen would be deadly...

 

[Healing Reins]

Yeah I'm going to the doctor tomorrow or wednesday and I will see what's up! It's probably nothing big, but this is my signal to stop. I'm ready to stop now. I just need rest! :)

 

[Justmehere]

I'm glad you are ready to stop. I hope you consider accepting any help that you need to stop and getting into treatment. Throwing up can damage the lining of the esophagus and cause someone to vomit blood. Many other things can also cause the symptoms you are experiencing. Whatever is going on, eating disorder behaviors are of course not going to help - but you know this.

Please be very careful about googling medical conditions and symptoms as there is a lot of scary info out there, but really only a doctor can say how serious or not serious things are.

I'm very glad your parents know and that you are going to go see the doctor soon. Try to relax as much as you can until you do see the doctor, and if things get much worse, or if you get sick again, please please let them or your school counselor know and let them help you. You are pushing away a lot of forms of help being offered to you by a lot of people - for the eating disorder, medical problems, trauma, etc. It's very understandable - and maybe it's time to let them help you more? You are a very bright and capable young woman, but everyone needs outside help, especially when battling PTSD. Maybe it's time to let go and get more treatment and help when people offer it for everything that is going on for you. Just a thought to consider.

I really do hope and pray you feel better soon! :hug:

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere Yeah, I think I'm ready to accept the help I need. I think this is my stopping point. I need help.

 

[Healing Reins]

I messed up again. I can't even go a day with out throwing up. I feel pathetic. So pathetic. I don't know how to stop. I feel like this is controlling my life. I feel like I identify with it. It's like my coping skill. I'm feeling really discouraged. I promised my mom I wouldn't throw up till I went to the doctor- and now I messed up. :( I feel terrible

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. It's not pathetic! It's a sign you are in pain and overwhelmed. There is so much going on for your sorting out very recent trauma, and the stress of figuring out life after graduation, it is very understandable! Please be kind to yourself. Don't lose hope! I really do think things are going to get better for you in time.

It is really good you are recognizing this is a very unhealthy way to cope with pain. If you can't stop on your own, what do you think a healthy next step can be to move towards recovery?