Trauma Diary

[NewDayTomorrow]

Could have been a flashback, or a "false memory" your brain created as it has been trying to piece together what happened. Not saying I don't believe you, just saying, memories are weird and they are always created by your brain, even "real ones" and they can be fickle.

If it seems eerily real, like dejavu, it probably is. But the accuracy of it doesn't matter. You know what had to have happened to you right? The memories themselves do not matter nearly as much as how you take care of yourself moving forward. Don't get hung up trying to figure out the details. Naturally our brains are driven to make sense of things, but it doesn't make you feel much better even if you do figure it out.

 

[Healing Reins]

since this is my trauma diary thread I decided I would write more...

So it's been a week since it happened, and I'm not sure how I feel. The shock is starting to wear off, but I made an apt. with planned parenthood and also saving grace. I see both of the people next week. Planned parenthood is for the gyno apt. Saving grace is to get a rape advocate if needed, and is just someone to talk to about what happened. Last night, (saturday night) I had the option to go out to a party with the boy I like, but I said no and decided to study and work out. At this point I feel like it's a waiting game to see what happens.

Is it weird if I'm not dreading the apt. at saving grace? In a way I'm kind of excited because I feel like this will be really good for me to get it off my chest, and to make a plan of what to do next.

I oddly don't feel dirty because of what happened, and I don't feel like it was my fault. I feel like I should feel dirty, or feel like it was my fault, but maybe it's because I'm still in shock? I don't know if I'm still in shock. I think I'm just accepting what happened, and trying to move on in a healthy way.

As for the drinking. I talked with my youth group leader- We both don't think it's a problem that needs sever actions. What we did come up with was a plan that if I was having urges to drink I would call her and we would go out and do something fun. and if it was at night, then I could either A- Study for my state test (Always a good option) B-Call her and talk with her about something good going on in my life. My youth group leader is really focused on being positive about what happened, which is nice because I don't feel like I have a drinking problem. I think I for sure stepped out of line last saturday, but I think I have for sure learned my lesson that I can only handle a couple beers, and I'm too young to drink so I shouldn't be drinking anyway :]

I guess what I'm really scared about is going to the gyno and having a flashback of what happened a year ago. But I will have my youth group leader there, and she's educated her self on flashbacks so I'm sure if I have one either I will be able to ground myself, or she will help me ground myself. Either way I am really hoping that I get a lot done this week, academic wise and personally too!

 

[scout86]

You COULD be feeling as you do because you're still in shock, but you also could be dealing with it like you are because you're doing a good job of dealing with it.

Here's something to think about. There is a difference between traumatic events and traumatic memories. It is quite possible to live through trauma and NOT have those memories stored as the kind of traumatic memories that lead to PTSD. Sounds like you have good, well thought out plans, and good help and support. Good for you for setting things up like you have! Good luck with your busy week. (Let us know how things go. I, and I'm sure plenty of others, will be thinking of you and pulling for you.)

 

[Healing Reins]

Dear Trauma Diary-

I know this has nothing to do with trauma, but I figure since it's my post I feel like I should be able to write about what's going on.

First of all, Grandpa died like 2 days ago. I'm really angry about it, but at the same time I'm relieved that he doesn't have to live in pain anymore. Two months ago when I said goodbye to him I promised to see him after graduation. He made me promise, so I did. I have a picture of him right besides my bed side table and I would look at it if I didn't want to go to school, and I would always end up going to school because I knew that's what he would want. I guess I really miss him. I really really miss him

On a brighter note I passed one of my work samples- so that's good! I'm really excited to graduate! I honestly am only one math problem away from graduation so thats so good!! I finished my spanish so I'm just super excited...

I talked with Hillary about the trauma. I told her I wasn't ready to tell, I started to cry, but she grounded me so it was really good. I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell her because she is a mandatory reporter, and I don't know if I want this reported or not. It would be nice if she didn't report it, but I know she has to report it so ugh! This is so frustrating! So frustrating.

oh! I went to the gyno- she said she could tell that there was forced entry, but she did several tests. I only have the results of one test and I'm in the clear- she said I would probably be fine, and if I do have anything it could probably be treated. I also was going to see the rape advocate this week, but now I can't because I have to fly to Wisconsin to go to my grandpas funeral :( But I think his funeral is going to be good. hard, but good.

So I guess life is pretty hard, but I am hoping that college will be one million times better! I am praying that college is better actually.

 

[Healing Reins]

I Need help. I've come to the conclusion that I need help. I need help with this trauma, and I want help. I don't know what else to say other than I need help

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It is possible to find it. Try looking some more.

 

[Healing Reins]

I don't know where to find it...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Healing Reins, please tag when you are talking to me. Sometimes after I reply I stop looking at the thread. Nothing personal but I assume if not tagged I am not being commented/talked too.

Google it. RAINN for example. There are some mental health clinics with discounted therapy. I know you are not in college yet (?) but a lot have free therapy. I am not sure if/when you are planning on going...It might be to soon for you.

 

[Healing Reins]

I'm starting college in the fall. I hope there is free therapy there. I have a therapist, I just don't know how to tell her.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You can look it up on the school website. In my college, fall terms starts in 3 months. Look up when yours starts.

You can email the disabliy services too and they will be able to give more information becasue they work with them a lot.

They offer all kinds of therapy. Depression is one of the ones I know about...

 

[Echo]

@Healing Reins - @Ayesha is right. Check out RAINN or go back to Saving Grace, where you said they were very nice.

If you find it difficult to tell your therapist, you could e-mail her first or just start by saying that something bad happened. Is your therapist a trauma therapist specifically? Because that's what you really need.

 

[Healing Reins]

Yeah she is a trauma therapist, I see her on Thursday this week. I scheduled an apt. with saving grace for today, but I had to cancel due to my volunteering, but I think I'll make another apt. with them