Trauma Diary

[Justmehere]

Why are you working out? What is your goal by doing that?

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere I'm really bored so I decided to go to the gym. I want to stay fit and in shape.

 

[Justmehere]

It can be very dangerous to stress your heart by doing anything that increases your heart rate while you are having the heart rate and other medical problems you are having. I know it sucks big time, but it's probably really super important to do restful activities to distract and occupy time right now. It's only for a little while. Hang in there!

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere I'll get fat if I don't workout. Like I'm not saying that manipulate or anything. I just feel like I will get fat

 

[Justmehere]

I know it *feels* like you will get fat.... let's say you do.

Fat is better than dead.

And fat is ok. It really is. I know many really amazing beautiful people who might be what some people call chunky or overweight. Skinny is HIGHLY overrated. Really. I say that as someone who is called skinny way too much. It's not good. :(

AND biologically, if you are struggling to keep 1500 calories down, I do not believe you will get fat at all. That would defy basic body mechanics. You are young and teenagers should get 2500 calories a day! AND I do know for a fact that you actually will be a lot healthier if you gain some weight right now.

I'm probably telling you stuff you have heard before in eating disorder treatment.

What else might help with your boredom and anxiety besides working out?

 

[Healing Reins]

@Justmehere I don't really care about the rules anymore. I think they are stupid.

 

[Healing Reins]

Dear Trauma diary,

I
dont
know
what
to
eat
because
im
on
ED
rules

f*ck my life.

:(:) its a pig!

 

[Healing Reins]

I threw up more blood

 

[Healing Reins]

I can't have a relationship with my youth group leader anymore. It's frustrating because I tell her what's going on in my body and she replies with "I'm relieved you're not in immediate danger" does she not realize my heart isn't beating properly. I know I've minimized this a lot but that's me. I guess I know how serious this is, its frustrating because she doesn't realize how bad this is. She isn't supporting me at all! She constantly thinks i manipulating her. I can't do it anymore

 

[Healing Reins]

flashback

I feel like all my senses are more acute- I feel like the smallest movement someone makes I jump. It feels like its happening again, the shooting. Like I'm back underneath the car holding my breath praying that they don't see me, hear me, or shoot me. It's like my parents are there huddling around me telling me to be quiet and not to cry. I'm scared. I watched spiderman I thought I could handle it, but clearly I can't. Clearly I can't even handle a movie without freaking out. I'm scared of death, and dying, and losing the people I love the most in this world. I'm really scared of that. I'm just scared in general. Is this a flashback? It feels like it is, but I'm not sure if it is. I feel likeI can't move. like I'm paralyzed. my palms are sweaty, my whole body is sweating..I'm scared. I need to calm down, but I feel like I can't I need to ground myself, but I don't know how. It's not working. How long is this going to last? I thought writing about it would help

 

[Healing Reins]

I wrote a letter to the Baby the night I took the pill

it reads:

Dear Baby,
Know that I didn't want to let you go, I had to let you go. I couldn't let B win, and having you, raising you, being a mother at 17 would have meant that Brandon would have won. Maybe he did win in the end, I mean after all I did kill a baby. It takes two wrongs to make a right, where is the right in this situation? Maybe I can't see the right in this situation. Maybe I will never see it, but I do know that it will take time, hours, days, months, years to feel okay again . I have togo to school on Monday and pretend that nothing happened. I have to lie to Trish and Jess, and Faith, people who I deeply care about. I have toile to my parents. They would want to know, but how do I tell them I killed a baby? I killed a baby. Those four words are so painful to say. But I have to be honest here. I can't lie about this and say it doesn't hurt because it does hurt. More than anyone can fathom. I believe one day I will begin to heal from this terrible nightmare. The cramping hurts. Is that normal? for me to get cramps the night I took the pill? Every time I have a cramp I pretend it's you holding on for dear life. Holding on to everything you can, but I'm killing you as I speak. How can I live with myself? How can I say that? It's now when I need to pray. praying should come easily but it doesn't with this.

I say a prayer- it's really personal so i'm not going to write it, but it's a good prayer

I end it with saying "sorry for ending my prayer in such a shit way."

and then I say
I'm sorry, but I know sorry will never be enough for you because you will never hear the words come out of my mouth.

Love,
T

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am very concerned for you right now. You cannot go through all you are alone so I am happy that you are at least talking about everything you are experiencing here. You need so much help, because you cannot go through this alone. I am in fear for you right now.

I am so glad you have the forum to be a source of support for you. You are so young to be in the position you are in.

I am here to listen and to support you. Big hugs.