Trauma - Physical punishment

[DarkRose32]

So my therapist said to get over shame about childhood physical punishment that I got, I should post anonymously about it. Also I told her that I was worried people would be mean or agree with my parents… so to get over that too - she said to post. I can process anything that comes up based on what you guys say… So here it goes… when I was a kid I was spanked a ton, my parents made us take off pants and underwear and it got to the point to where I started liking pain as early as 5. And bdsm as early as 11. I know it's weird. Also I was hit with a belt as well on a few separate occasions.. Not on the butt but everywhere else as I faced forward and tried to block. Haha. Anyways I started as a kid hitting myself and as a teen self harming, and as an adult into bdsm and abusive people. Idk if anyone has similar experiences with shame or self harm/ self destructive urges… if you do please let me know. I still feel embarrassed even anonymously… go figure.

 

[In the weeds]

No need to feel embarrassed. People here are wonderful and have helped a lot without even knowing it.

 

[Sues]

Hi and welcome to the forum! Nothing to be ashamed of. I self harm and punish myself by hurting myself.

 

[Movingforward10]

That shame is so ingrained it's hard to see another way. Many of us will relate. But the shame never was yours or ours to carry. The shame belongs to the people who hurt you.

Whilst my trauma is different, the shame impact and the self punishing is similar. Reenacting the familiar. I did it with seeking out sex and trying to 'feel something'. It's also possible to work through this.

Well done for posting and sharing. They are all steps to healing. Breaking the silence and isolation that childhood abuse and shame creates.

 

[Sideways]

I was beaten as a child. I continued to find reasons to punish myself long after my childhood ended.

While my brain (obviously) never learned clear lines between abuse and love, pain and pleasure, I am making sense of it slowly as I recover, and work on getting kindness into my life: kindness to myself, and kind people around me.

Shame can be a monster of a thing to tackle. There’s a lot of us fighting that battle in these parts.

 

[Skybonded]

I hear you, and I understand in my own way. I was also spanked as a punishment and as a direct result have a relationship with pain (and kink, like BDSM) where I seek it out when I can. It's been a hard path to try to change my self-harm habits to things that weren't just uncontrolled pain. You are not alone in that sort of experience.

The shame can be suffocating. It is one thing to hear that there is nothing shameful in having survived that experience, but another thing completely to really integrate that. I wish you the best of luck with it.