Childhood Tried To Make An Abuser Proud?

[jphillips90]

My entire life for some reason I have always thought, in the back of my mind, that I could become "good" enough to make my mother proud and love me. I mean even as an adult...married with my own family...I have reached out to her to somehow "show" her I am worthy of her love.

She isn't the healthiest parent towards my siblings but I was the only one she abused and abandoned. What bothers me is she's always been an abuser, not a mother figure towards me...my entire life...it's not like I'm trying to win her back...I don't understand why I've struggled with this. It makes me extremely embarrassed to admit, and it kills my husband/ loved ones every time it happens.

I don't know...I'm really just having a hard time today.
Jes

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't think it is uncommon for survivors of abuse to feel this sort of conflict about their abusers.

My cousin told me a year or so ago that at some point she had to stop achieving things in the interest of somehow proving something to her family and instead had to accomplish things in the interest of impressing herself.

I look at a lot of my achievements as something to throw in the faces of my family members rather than as something to stand atop, something to make me feel good about myself for myself. I'm trying to change that, slowly.

 

[jphillips90]

I relate 100% to how you feel. Its so hard for me to not think that way because honestly...the idea of proving them wrong and "winning" was my source of strength, hope, comfort, I mean it might have been unhealthy ( I didn't know at the time) but I survived based off that alone. I have no idea how to not relate everything back to that or have that constant "contest" in the back of my mind...constantly trying to make sure they don't "win" and I don't prove them right... at this point in my life it's robbing me of joy and participating in my present life.

 

[Kintsugi]

Try imagining your accomplishments not as artillery to sink someone else's ship but as building blocks to your own ascension, separate from anyone else.

That same cousin also told me that by doing this (secret contest thing), I was giving power to people who were not relevant to my personal success instead of earning power for myself as an individual.

It's hard to stop playing the game. I have to remind myself that I am the only one actually playing. My belief that this game is visible to my family members and that they are cognizant participants of it is an illusion.

In the end I am exhausting myself by playing with opponents who have no idea I'm trying to bring them down rather than bringing vitality to myself by being conscious that my accomplishments are my own and only affect me (positively) in the end.

 

[Melody coates]

@jphillips90 us child abuse survivors have all been there. its very common in PTSD to have mixed emotions about our abusers. my mother was abusive as well. as I got older I stopped trying to please her because I knew it was pointless. you can't make someone love you who doesn't even love themselves. it is also common for an abusive parent to target a specific child or favor one and abuse the rest. my youngest sister was mommie dearest's golden child. and still is to this very day. she took her anger and hatred out on us older three kids. so I can definitely relate to what you went through. I eventually cut mommie dearest out of my life for good. she's toxic and I wouldn't want her around my kids if ever have any. if you decide to cut your mother off then don't be surprised to be judged by other family memebers. in these situations you find out who is really "family" and who isn't. hope I helped! :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is a common issue for those who had abusive mothers. I struggle with it immensely and I can think of two other members who have posted repeatedly about trying to get that love from their mothers. I'm trying to accept that my mother is limited and cannot love me. But, its an ongoing process. Its hard dealing with this around the holidays.

 

[jphillips90]

So far..aside from one phone call (that I really think opened my eyes for good this time) I have had zero contact with my mother for almost six months...prior to that i visited one afternoon and hadn't contacted her for almost a year before that. I don't have any other relatives besides her and my siblings so in a way I guess that helps avoid the issue of being judged. My two youngest siblings is what kills me though...they are still babies
(well 8 and 10) and due to my mother they think I don't love them...and that's why I don't come around. They only know what my mother has groomed them to believe...the youngest one struggles the most with it. Idk it was a hard sacrifice to make. I don't mind being the "bad guy" but the youngest thinks it's something against her and struggles thinking its her fault. Accepting that I do not know what it's like to be a part of a family or having parents is a part o

 

[jphillips90]

of my recovery that I'm working really hard at but to be honest I havent made nearly as much peace with it as I have other issues*

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I feel like I did something for myself rarely ever. I feel purposeless to myself. I can associate to how you feel a lot.

 

[Intrepid]

When I was in the military I'd dial home to the mom who abused me, hoping, really, to change the past. If I were good enough, then everything would be different, right?

After I got out of the military I went back home. I tried to basically get her to understand me. What a waste of time. She was way too self centered to be there for me at all.

Well, nothing changed, not until long after I'd found a life for myself. My mother eventually said she was sorry, but because I was not talking to her, and she couldn't see my daughter. She also said she didn't remember doing anything what was so wrong.

She's crazy. She remembers. She tells me about it. But she minimizes everything.

 

[Seagreen]

The maternal and child bond is very strong (at least its suppose to be). Since children are dependant on their main caregiver for basic survival, and influenced on a whole range of other important things including, love, growth and emotional development, its not surprising the need to connect with our mothers is so deeply ingrained. Even if your mother has never played this role in your life, its only natural that you are going to feel a longing for her approval.
Sadly some people are unable to have this connection with their children. This is because there is something wrong with them, not the child. If it can be fixed or restored at all, only they can do it. Unfortunately nothing you do will change your mother. Its unlikely that she will ever be able to love you in the way that you deserve to be loved, and this is not because of you. It is only because of her. There is grief but I hope that in time you can fill some of the gap with people and things that serve you better.

 

[Lucycat]

Yes. I worked so hard to make my father proud of me. Yet I still never felt good enough.