Triggered And Lashed Out - Need Advice

[GrahamCracker]

(Not sure if this one belongs in this forum, but I think it qualifies.)

Hi All,

I haven't been around for a while. There have been too many changes in my life to list. Not all of them positive but most of them are manageable.

Anyway, I got triggered by something this morning. It's been a while since something like this has happened and caused me to have a meltdown on someone. This is going to sound like the dumbest thing in the world but my business partner retweeted someone's comment about the latest episode of Game of Thrones, which had a very detailed rape scene. It was something along the lines of "I can't believe people are tweeting WARNING! RAPE! It's in every episode"...

As a person who has been silenced about my trauma in the past this entire sentiment was VERY triggering. I mean, why WOULDN'T someone who sees a graphic depiction of their trauma be disturbed by it? Why are people flippantly shaming victims/survivors for mentioning that it is disturbing them?

First of all, I felt like my business partner should know better. I was disappointed. We are very close friends and he tends to be a pretty empathetic person. I honestly don't think he even saw the comment the way that I did. He was probably thinking more along the lines of people's commentary on the two characters involved and that the behavior shouldn't be so surprising. However, I do think it was something that needed to be brought to his attention. If I had been able to privately tell him why I felt it was inappropriate and hurtful, I'm sure he would have acknowledged that.

In a perfect world we make the right decisions but I didn't...I proceeded to get in a fight about the characters and framed it as an out of character action based on the story arc. He proceeded to argue with me on that point, not really referring to the rape at all. I pretty much ended that conversations by saying that the violence and rape in the show was necessary to attract the demographic they needed to keep the numbers up.

I then proceeded to publicly rant about how terrible it was that people are shaming those who might be triggered for announcing that there is something triggering in the episode and this is all a part of rape culture, that rape victims should just keep their mouths shut because it detracts from the enjoyment of a TV show by non-victims, etc.

I'm fairly sure he got why I was actually upset at that point. He's tried to start a conversation about something unrelated tonight, but I haven't really been able to engage with him because a seemingly small and stupid thing really brought up a lot of issues for me.

I do have abandonment issues so I think people will leave me if I confront them or may say something that undermines my feelings. I don't get close to people easily and it's hard to deal with a communication issue like this with someone I care about. Part of my brain shut down completely thinking...this is why you can't trust people, they don't understand and will only hurt you.

It seems like such a stupid thing. I really wish I had handled it better i.e. speaking to him privately about why I thought the retweet was problematic but I just couldn't do it today for whatever reason. I am dealing with some post-operative depression as well, which is hitting me a little harder than a normal depression. Since I had a hysterectomy, my ovaries are still trying to get used to being the only source of hormones and that's not quite regulated yet.

Sorry this is so long. I needed to vent. I know a lot of people will understand these issues with having seemingly insignificant things trigger you. I just feel bad for reacting the way I did. I don't really know how to talk to him about it. I am afraid I will get too emotional. It's not something that is going to cause a huge rift in our relationship but I definitely need to explain myself for my own mental health. If anyone has any ideas, I would appreciate them.

Thanks,

GrahamCracker

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe this is off tangent, but can I ask why you find enjoyment in watching a show that has a rape scene in every episode? I have never watched the show myself, so I really have no idea what its about. I know you're venting about rape culture, but aren't you adding to it by boosting the ratings of a show which shows rapes for pure entertainment value? I guess I'm not seeing why this show is so great if it has all those rape scenes.

Please enlighten me. Like I said, I have never seen the show, so I do not understand. Thanks.

 

[GrahamCracker]

I don't watch it, but my business partner does. I watched it to a certain point where I finally decided that the violence was gratuitous and didn't further the plot, so I am aware of many of the characters.

And no, this show isn't great. It's a poorly-written piece of garbage.

 

[arfie]

I have done things like this so often that I had to give it a name. I call it, "Foot in Mouth Disease." I have gone through periods of keeping a salt shaker on my desk so that I could make a joke out of attempting to make my foot tastier while I apologized for popping off.

I am typically not sorry for why I popped off. It is often something like this that really is questionable taste and most folks will even agree. I have a right to my sensitivities. I am, however, sincerely sorry for the tension it can cause. The last thing I want is people walking on eggshells around me. It sets me off more than just about anything. It costs me nothing to gently ask, "Do I owe you an apology for reacting harshly?" After I calm myself, of course...

Just me... Sorry you had to go through this. It would have set me off, too. Hope you find your balance with it.

 

[GrahamCracker]

Also, @Solara, please don't make assumptions. The fact that I am talking about rape culture should indicate that I have at least a basic understanding of it. I am offended.

 

[blue_eyes18]

My girlfriend gets triggered by the same things. There was a scene in walking dead recently I had to literally force her to allow me to fast forward through (some reason, she likes to test her boundaries - I tell her she needs to know her triggers and not intentionally walk right into them).

It's really common for certain scenes to trigger sufferers like that. And I think it's good that people are posting warnings about them, so sufferers like yourself and my girlfriend know about them and can avoid them.

On the other hand, before I met my girlfriend, I never could have possibly understood this. I consider myself to be an extremely empathetic person and I'm very sensitive of others. However, PTSD is just one of those things, no matter how empathetic you are, you can never truly understand unless you're personally experiencing it. Having gotten so close to my girlfriend and seeing first hand what she experiences is the only way I've learned what it's truly like. But without that experience, I simply couldn't have known otherwise and may have accidentally upset someone in the same way as your businesses partner. Completely on accident.

All in all, I think being with my girlfriend has made me a better person in the end, because now I understand things on a different level than I ever could have had I not met her. But try to keep in mind that your business partner meant no harm. He just doesn't know any better because he's never lived it himself.

He may have different struggles you can't relate to, either. No one can truly ever know anyone else's struggles or what it's like to walk in their shoes. So I'd just try to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know better and that now, he knows, and won't do it again.

If you feel you need to explain yourself, maybe a quick message on fb could do the trick. Just let him know you are sensitive about the subject and you're sorry you responded the way you did. And hopefully he can understand.

Take care.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm ok, be offended if you must. I was asking a general question and made NO assumptions. You obviously posted enough about it to indicate that you watch it, and at one point you did, although you don't anymore. I think you are triggered and just taking it out on me.

 

[GrahamCracker]

@Solara you absolutely made an assumption by suggesting that I am complicit in supporting this behavior, which is typical of rape apologists. Your comment triggered me further and makes me extremely angry, because I am not responsible for what happened to me and nothing I did/have done makes me responsible for it. I have put you on my "ignore" list so we can just not have this issue in the future.

 

[GrahamCracker]

@arfie LOL at the salt shaker. That seems about right.

@blue_eyes18 I think you are right. I don't think he meant for it to be hurtful and I think I am feeling a bit better this morning so I can discuss it with him. Thanks for your advice.