Triggered By Adhd Husband

[SinkorSwim]

I suffer from PTSD and anxiety and my husband has ADHD. I have been telling him for a couple years to seek therapy for his aggressive behavior, his inability to communicate with me and his sleep problems. Which he refuses to go see a therapist for because he says he doesn't have any problems. I have been seeing a therapist for my issues for 2 years. A couple weekends ago I wanted to talk about landscaping our new home. I had a coworker offer me some free trees from work all I had to do was pick them up. My husband was really excited about these free spruce trees and couldn't wait to get them. So we agreed that in 2 weekends we would go pick them up. The weekend before this I asked my husband to come out on the deck with me so we could discuss tree placement. He all of a sudden decided that we didn't need free trees in our backyard this year. I was upset that he didn't tell me this sooner because I already had it set up with my coworker to pick them up. At first his excuse was it was going to be expensive, the mulch and the watering...then I told him what is expensive about free trees. Then his excuse was he didn't know how big they were going to get and didn't want to plant them until he knew that. Then he said we agreed to do the front yard only this year and he didn't want to water the back yard. I was pretty upset, and I just stood there and stared at him and cried through all of this. When I am upset I can't talk through my feelings I have to think about them for awhile and then discuss them later on when I am settled down. He needs to solve everything right away. I can't do that. So I decided to walk away. He tugged me by my shirt collar to the point where I couldn't breath unless I stepped back. I yelled at him to get my hands off of me. Which he did and I ran into my bedroom shaking. This is the second time he has touched me during a fight. The first time was about 6 years ago when were in another argument he pushed me up against the wall so he could control me so I couldn't move. I told him he has aggression issues. He is quite rough with my one saint bernard, he constantly pushes him into the wall if he is misbehaving and the poor door yelps sometimes. He told me he noticed I was very triggered by him grabbing me by the collar and he apologized for it but he said I seemed to be making a bigger deal than it needed to be about it. I really want to talk to my therapist about this but I am afraid she will think I am being abused, I guess what are the consequences if I tell her.

 

[Neverthesame]

The consequences of telling your therapist?

I can't say, it depends on what I can't tell from text. Tone.

The impression that I'm getting from what you described, is that while your husband's actions are upsetting you (rightly so, and the thing with the grabbing your collar, and the mashing the dog into the wall, is totally unacceptable). You do not seem to fear for your life.

The mandated reporting laws therapists have to abide by, are in the event of a patient disclosing information that infers the patient is either in immediate or high likelihood of being either in risk of harm, or of harming someone else.

The more important question is really, are you?

If you are at risk of harm then fleecing your therapist is kind of a bad idea, no?

If not, then I wouldn't worry. Though if your therapist does feel that they are mandated to report this to law enforcement. It's for your protection, maybe it's best? Something to think about.

That's the best I can tell you. Other than I agree, he needs to get his shit sorted.

 

[SinkorSwim]

I think it would be wise for him to go to anger management but I don't want anything brought against him that's what I am worried about with getting law enforcement involved. I also don't know how you can force someone to go to therapy if they are not willing to recognize that they need to go themselves. I don't feel totally at risk as he does recognize what he is doing when I tell him to stop. He is in denial and you can't really help a person in denial.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sad to say you can't make anyone want to change or go to therapy.

Mandatory reporting laws differ from location to location. However, I'd be very surprised if your therapist reported this and any charges were brought against your husband. Number one, you aren't pressing charges (no complainant=no charges as it's almost impossible to make a case); number two there isn't an accusation against an adult who is abusing a vulnerable population (children, mentally handicapped, etc). I really do hope you reach out to your therapist. If he keeps the status quo and you do too, sadly your situation likely won't change IMHO.

 

[Friday]

The needing to solve everything right away... Speaking as someone who is both ADHD & PTSD... Is exactly the same feeling as being triggered. (It floods your entire system, hijacks everything, is impossibly immediate, doom despair destruction follows any possible delay or deviance. And, until it's solved or trumped, will remain at that intensity level indefinitely. Completely overwhelming all other thoughts & feelings.) It's one of the much more difficult symptom expressions of hyper-focus to deal with at all, much less learn to deal with.

((Also in part, because unlike PTSD symptoms which change over time and with therapy? ADHD symptoms don't change. They're incredibly static. The only thing that changes is what coping mechanisms we use, and our skill at applying them. So imagine the worst your PTSD symptoms have ever been, and then imagine that they'll never change. You'll always be having X number of panic attacks per day, and always have the same anxiety, and always have the same triggers, and etc. Forever. Which means that you have to find 1,000 work-arounds to deal with them.))

So you've got some competing symptoms going on when he's in solve & you're in triggered.

(Cough. I've had both of these hit at the same time in my head :wtf: Lemme tell ya, it's like a nuclear showdown. PTSD always wins, though. It's a f*ckload meaner, and lashes out when cornered. Which is ironic, because that's exactly what happened with you guys IRL when you attacked with tears & devastation... Over trees... And then everything escalated from there, with you emerging from the emotional smackdown the clear 'winner'. )

Learning to compromise with those 2 symptoms crashing into each other, though? Hyper-focus (of nearly any kind) & Triggered? Is going to be a helluva lot of work.

 

[mary1979]

Adhd is virtually impossible to control without meds, and every adult I've ever met with it seem to have no clue of their strength, and almost zero ability to control themselves in a high emotion environment.

He needs to seek assistance for this, and you holding him accountable for scaring you may be a way for you to push him toward getting it.
I doubt very highly he meant to hurt or even frighten you, he was just stopping you from walking away.
Use the guilt he no doubt feels to emphasise the need for help.

And I think you should tell your therapist. Not because he's a monster, or to cause trouble (because I doubt that anything would happen without your consent) but because your fears are valid and rate way above protecting him.
Dont get into that merry go round, your therapist is for you. Not him

 

[SinkorSwim]

I am so confused right now with my thoughts. Now I am debating if I wait two weeks and tell my therapist or call her on the phone but I hate to call her on the phone and have her mull over it for two weeks. Thank you for helping me get a little less confused. I agree he isn't a bad person he just doesn't know his own strength.