Triggered By The 'r' Word Today

[GWhizz]

I've been experiencing flashbacks for about 9months now, since shortly after my son was born.

Today I ran a marathon. Purely because I wanted to beat my pregnancy time and do something for myself as I have not been focusing greatly on my physical health since my time is quite consumed by parenting etc.

I was running it with a few friends but we split off determined to beat certain individual times.

The crowds were heavy and it was hot and humid but rainy on/off too. So I guess maybe the crowds etc didn't help things when I started to feel panicked. I'm quite self conscious so quite afraid of what will happen if I noticeably lose it in public.

Basically, there were 2 girls in front of me wearing t-shirts for their nominated charity - the rape crisis centre. Firstly, I thought 'wow that's great this charity are getting such great support from so many people'. Then before I knew it, I'd gone back to feeling like a 7 year old, my 1st sexual abuse was so vivid - I felt like I could feel him etc and I just felt trapped I guess. I slowed down and took a breather, got some water but then felt really sick. So I ended up walking most of the final few k.

This particular trauma has been on my mind a lot lately. Namely as I only told my T that the sexual abuse started when I was 11. This abuse at 7 was a once off and as I was made cover it up, I guess I didn't think it's relevant. But now it's literally haunting me out of nowhere. I think I have a lot of guilt about the trauma at that age and feel in someway that I should have known or done something to prevent further abuse happening at age 11 onwards. I know I really need to get this out to my T but so far I have not got into ANY details and only write down stuff, generally evading from the sexual stuff and focusing more on the physical abuse etc. which I know is relevant too but not bothering me presently to this extent either.

How do I bring this up with my T? And also, how do I tell her I wasn't fully upfront or honest without her thinking I'm lying or something? She's away for a week and asked me to text her this week, so I'm thinking maybe I could ask for her professional email and that way I can explain things, if she's happy to read emails outside of our sessions.

My main worry is that she will be annoyed and question me on everything now.

 

[Springer80]

Hi, I really don't think you should be worried about your T's reaction. It sounds like to me those worries are the fears of you as a child.

Any T that has any experience with child abuse and trauma will understand that this memory is fundamentally important and also so physically unpalatable that you can barely consider it yourself. I have a similar thing with illogical guilt about not being able to behave 'rationally' and protect myself.

Good luck with it.

 

[ellienad]

Take your time. Remember that each session is progress, and even sharing what you have is a great feat. It's something to be proud of.

I don't think of not bringing up the trauma that happened at 7 as being dishonest, I think you just haven't been ready to discuss it. It may be your mind's way of protecting itself, and that's okay. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. It will come out when the time is right. If you are feeling ready to bring it up to your T you can start the conversation in a similar way you did here "I want to bring something up to you, but I'm afraid you'll think I was being dishonest" Your T knows and will be understanding to the fact that it takes time for everything to come out and it's natural for us to hold things back. I don't think anyone goes into therapy telling all. If we did it wouldn't take so long! ;)

If you feel like writing an email would be helpful, then text her and say you have something you would like to share, but feel more comfortable sharing it in an email/in writing. She will help you with the best next step.

 

[ghotiff]

And also, how do I tell her I wasn't fully upfront or honest without her thinking I'm lying or something?

In this context you were not lying. You were doing what you are meant to, which is to only discuss what you are able to discuss.

I actually did lie to my first T (looking back it was a sign that things weren't working for me as I don't lie in normal life, but that's not the point of this story). I was telling her something non emotional, and as I was speaking I changed a detail without planning to. I can't remember now, but eg "I stubbed my toe at home" versus "I stubbed my toe at work". The next week I told her that I lied to her last week, that I said it was at work and it was actually at home. She didn't bat an eyelid, she just asked if I knew why I lied.

In your case, you didn't lie....and the reason you didn't disclose is clear, you just weren't ready to yet.