Triggered By The Weather At Work

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I knew there was a chance of rain. I even knew that the weather report had mentioned thunderstorms. But this morning, I was just focused on making myself get up, get dressed, and getting my toddler and I out the door. After leaving work yesterday and just hiding out in my room all day, I did feel a bit better today.

That all changed when sitting in a meeting with at least 60 other people and the thunder boomed. I heard it and tried to convince myself that it wasn't really thunder. My teaching partner was at the table with me and she knows that thunder bothers me so she kept glancing at me. The person between us is trained in crisis response and deals with the "behavior" kids. I have never told him about my issues, but he could tell. It was so embarrassing and I felt stupid about being afraid of thunder.

Somehow I made it from there back to my regular school where I work, but then I fell apart. I had a major panic attack. I had to hide out in the principal's office shaking and crying. The principal wanted me to make the decision about whether I could stay or not while I was panicking. I couldn't do it. Eventually she made a plan and then checked in with me. I felt so very ashamed. It was the second day in a row. I worry all the time about being able to keep my job if this keeps happening. I worry what people are thinking.

For now though I need to figure out how to stay calm so I can teach this afternoon for that's the plan. I get to chill out in a quiet office for the morning and teach this afternoon. Time to figure out some calming strategies.

 

[shimmerz]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve , it sounds to me like your school is 'safe' to you which is maybe why you finally panic attacked there. The word ashamed is so strong in your posting ..... and I am just wondering if you know the roots of this trigger? If so, can you trust that it is an honest reaction for now?

For myself, it is not thunder but the sound of rain. Really inconvenient when I am driving and all of the sudden it is raining out. No idea where it comes from - but I get the sense of it being something to do with noises surrounding me (especially from above me).

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

it sounds to me like your school is 'safe' to you which is maybe why you finally panic attacked there. The word ashamed is so strong in your posting ..... and I am just wondering if you know the roots of this trigger? If so, can you trust that it is an honest reaction for now?
[/USER]

My school is a place where I know I can panic. I was not surprised that I fell apart once I got here since that has happened in the past, but I was hoping I could work through it.

I am struggling with the wording of your next two questions- brain is still fuzzy. I'm going to answer as best I can. I worry constantly about doing the right thing and freaking out at school does not fit into the "right" thing nor does having to leave school. It makes it that much harder for me to make a decision. I am horrible at decision making when there is not clear "right" or "wrong" or when what I want goes against what I think is right. I want to go home when I feel like that (though today I knew there might be a chance I could pull it back together) but that goes against what I think I am supposed to do. Is it valid thinking? I am not sure. I have been fired before in issues related to who I am but this was before PTSD but it certainly doesn't help me to feel secure now.

I am trying to work on figuring out the thunder and rain issues with my therapist. We have not quite figured it all out. I think it has to do with the loud noise and sense of danger.

 

[shimmerz]

Is it valid thinking?

Sure is - for someone with PTSD. That is what I have a hard time with. I was just going to post on my feeling of shame that I couldn't do the simplest things today - although I should be patting myself on the back for doing what I did as it was monumentous compared to what I can normally get done. And yes, shame is a good word for it.

My decision making sucks as well. I got caught in the mushroom aisle on the weekend before my SO came to rescue me. I am so freaking embarrassed by it - although he is not the one leading me down that path - it is all me. And yes, I have many clashes between doing the 'right thing' and what I can do.

It is easy for me to dish out to you @JEKBreatheandBelieve how you should be kinder - gentler on yourself but I am in the same predicament. I am so hard on myself yet not on others. I am trying to work on that but it is really difficult to do. So your wanting to go home sounds like a conflict. Sort of a damned if you do and damned if you don't thing. The song 'Should I stay or should I go' I sang to myself yesterday and seemed fitting when I felt this way.

Is it like this? If I stay at school I will possibly have another meltdown or not be able to keep it together and then everyone sees it and if I go, I am letting others down. There my head starts to spin out of control and I get overwhelmed. Finally I do what others and myself refer to as the 'sleep of the dead' for hours and sometimes days. It is a fine line when balancing for me and it sounds like it is for you as well. Forgive me if I am mistaken.

Sending you strength and kindness....
Shimmerz

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is it like this? If I stay at school I will possibly have another meltdown or not be able to keep it together and then everyone sees it and if I go, I am letting others down. There my head starts to spin out of control and I get overwhelmed... It is a fine line when balancing for me and it sounds like it is for you as well. Forgive me if I am mistaken.

Yes, it is very much like that. I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want anyone to be upset with me. And I definitely don't want anyone seeing my meltdown especially not a group of 9 year-olds (though they would probably be more understanding than some adults). I should be feeling lucky that I was give time and space to calm, but all I can feel is the shame of failing again. It's especially hard since I had to leave yesterday. I want to just scream out that I am trying to be sure that everyone knows that I really am trying.

Thanks for your responses. They've helped me. Now, it's just about time to go back to the classroom and hope for the best.

 

[shimmerz]

Ah, but the real question may be do you know that you are really trying....that is what I try to remind myself of and to feel. If I was a person in a wheelchair nobody would expect me to climb stairs. But your and my woundings are just as crippling yet nobody sees them. I keep trying to use the image of a person in a wheelchair looking at a very large and looming staircase ahead of me and recognize that I am trying to stand and walk up them. Nobody is in the stairwell to validate the struggle only me. That needs to be good enough for me right now.

Good luck in that classroom and thank you as you have taught me through this posting as well. It has helped me today as well.