Marie E.
Diamond Member
I feel so stupid. (I know I am not.) And a lil bad. But, I just got triggered by my lil 4yr old, not his fault. I have this thing where I don't like to be ruff handled. He is getting pretty strong and I'm very proud of that.
Anyways, he sneaked up behind me and Wham! A big sideways hug. I felt bad as I pushed him away lightly by loosening his arms. He ran away crying. He is ok now.
I just gave him a hug a few minutes later.
He just got out of the hospital over the weekend from asthma symptoms, the doc said he also had an ear infection. I had run out of his meds. He is quite sensitive lately.
What the trigger was about is a flashback of my body remembering my ex's physical abuse toward me.
Sometimes loud noises affect me, kids or whatever. That reminds me of hearing my ex in my head without him present in the room at the time. He just wouldn't shut up!! So, I heard him in my head and though I covered my ears, I still heard him. He scrambled up my brain bad. There were times I couldn't hear or speak, nor walk.
He ruptured my ear drums, so than I could hear only faint whispers if somebody even yelled at me - 1 month.
I became mute for a year cause I couldn't make sense of all the strange things he kept repeating to me saying that I am just a version of him, belong to him. I am just a projection, I'm not who I think I am, I'm not there. Every time I was trying to speak, he would say messed up things. I was isolated and his mommy was on his side, no support, in a different country, nothing. I wasn't even sponsored!
There were times both my ankles were sprained as I had a new born baby to look after, I somehow got around. I never seen a doc except at the free clinic, (which didn't last long) but never could go to treat the injurious cause my abuser would stalk me, so I had to stop going. There were a lot of times I couldn't go outside so I could heal (my abuser covering himself). I'm surprised I don't have broken bones, but I do have scars. I try to ignore them. I have a scar by the crown of my head, which I only found out recently by somebody pointing it out to me. An iron burn on my right side of my upper arm You can barely see it now, though it was a bad burn, but if the angle is right, you can make it out. My right wrist where he tried to kill me in his many of attempts. It was cut down to the glistening white bone. His mother helped him that night bandaging the wound to make sure her lil b*tch boy wouldn't get caught.
Imagine, all this is from one trigger that leads to many memories. I can tell the present from the past.
Sorry, but I just feel very exposed right now, though I need to heal.
Anyways, he sneaked up behind me and Wham! A big sideways hug. I felt bad as I pushed him away lightly by loosening his arms. He ran away crying. He is ok now.
I just gave him a hug a few minutes later.
He just got out of the hospital over the weekend from asthma symptoms, the doc said he also had an ear infection. I had run out of his meds. He is quite sensitive lately.
What the trigger was about is a flashback of my body remembering my ex's physical abuse toward me.
Sometimes loud noises affect me, kids or whatever. That reminds me of hearing my ex in my head without him present in the room at the time. He just wouldn't shut up!! So, I heard him in my head and though I covered my ears, I still heard him. He scrambled up my brain bad. There were times I couldn't hear or speak, nor walk.
He ruptured my ear drums, so than I could hear only faint whispers if somebody even yelled at me - 1 month.
I became mute for a year cause I couldn't make sense of all the strange things he kept repeating to me saying that I am just a version of him, belong to him. I am just a projection, I'm not who I think I am, I'm not there. Every time I was trying to speak, he would say messed up things. I was isolated and his mommy was on his side, no support, in a different country, nothing. I wasn't even sponsored!
There were times both my ankles were sprained as I had a new born baby to look after, I somehow got around. I never seen a doc except at the free clinic, (which didn't last long) but never could go to treat the injurious cause my abuser would stalk me, so I had to stop going. There were a lot of times I couldn't go outside so I could heal (my abuser covering himself). I'm surprised I don't have broken bones, but I do have scars. I try to ignore them. I have a scar by the crown of my head, which I only found out recently by somebody pointing it out to me. An iron burn on my right side of my upper arm You can barely see it now, though it was a bad burn, but if the angle is right, you can make it out. My right wrist where he tried to kill me in his many of attempts. It was cut down to the glistening white bone. His mother helped him that night bandaging the wound to make sure her lil b*tch boy wouldn't get caught.
Imagine, all this is from one trigger that leads to many memories. I can tell the present from the past.
Sorry, but I just feel very exposed right now, though I need to heal.
