Triggered In Defense Class

[Kefira]

So I'm trying to be proud of myself because I went to a defense class targeted at women for domestic violence/sexual assault response. I started going to a dojo a little under a month ago, and it was held there by the instructor. I really like the instructor, D, and feel safe with him and with the other people in my normally very small (like, five of us) class. So I thought I would be okay, because it's a safe space and at least one safe person. I was wrong.

It was a lot of people, about 40 of us with the staff and no one from my branch of the school was there except D. I didn't know anyone, tried to small talk with some people while I was waiting, and found someone there who I could at least sit by who was also really nervous. We lined up and did some basic drills, mostly things I've done, and I worked on sort of getting a rapport going with the black belt, let's call him S, I was grouped with knowing it would only get more difficult.

I did fine on all the standing attacks (mostly choke holds), but was starting to get really overstimulated by the time we moved to floor work. S was impressed with my work on the basics and was decidedly not going easy on me. Which is good, because ideally you want to be able to react well when threatened. But when we worked on being pinned to the ground I knew I was starting to dissociate, and then midstream D moved the hold to choking on the ground and S put enough weight into his grab I really lost it for a minute. He was observant and must have noticed when I went limp. But for a few seconds I was decidedly somewhere else with someone else's hands around my neck.

He subtly got D to come over while he finished working with the rest of our group and it was handled well. But I was so out of sorts by the time we finished the class I fell in front of everyone doing solo work in the front of the room to boot. I'm just really angry with myself for thinking I could do this, embarrassed and mortified. I feel like a bumbling fool in my normal classes there due to the learning curve, but at least I hadn't acted like a crazy person until tonight.

And now I'm anxious about going to class tomorrow, because while the style I train in tends to be less full contact there's still always that chance. How do you find the courage to go back to a place where you've had an episode? Is it wrong that I'm actually more angry that everyone seemed to be fine and understanding? I don't know. The whole thing makes my head hurt.

 

[arfie]

In my own mind, learning how to stay calm enough to act effectively in uncomfortable situations is the most important thing you can learn in self-defense class. I would take it as part of what you are there to learn. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but nowhere near as uncomfortable as freezing or getting hysterical in a critical situation. No, your anger is not wrong. Let it, too, be fair content in the learning curve.

You CAN do this, Kefira. It is totally worth it. The confidence of knowing you can handle yourself is priceless. Hope you go back, headache and all.

 

[City Slicker]

I think you did really, really well.

Of course you would have a variety of strong reactions and feelings to the experience of a similar traumatic event in your life. If they are good instructors they will be familiar with this reaction in women - they might not know the full extent of why it happens but if they are trained instructors, they know how to work to bring their students through whatever it is they are experiencing so that they can successfully complete the instruction.

When this has happened to me I tell myself that going through similar experiences to some of my original trauma is giving my brain a chance to entrain - to experience a new process in the brain (something about neuro-plasticity and the brain's ability to disconnect from the original trauma) so that my brain can learn and understand that this is not a threat to me and that I am in control of what happens.

If you reframe the experience going into it tomorrow telling yourself you have a chance to put yourself through something new, something you can stop, something with people that are supportive and caring, something that can help you, you will get through it. Practise your grounding techniques and know you are safe and whatever happens is not what happened 'back then'. And it's a great achievement. Good luck tomorrow.

 

[Kefira]

If you reframe the experience going into it tomorrow telling yourself you have a chance to put yourself through something new

I've been working on this. D has some idea regarding my history, and he's done a lot of victim outreach through his law enforcement career before he started teaching. He checked on me early in the class and I joked that I was fine, but I'd have my exposure therapy quota for the month.

I really hope it was the extra unfamiliar people and difference in the tone of the setting that made it worse. But thinking about it a few hours later this was a one-off event, the majority of the people who would raise an eyebrow were other participants and I won't see them again. It was a minor episode considering what could have happened given the trigger.

As for tomorrow, If worst the worst happened I actually think I'd be okay with any of the guys in my regular class seeing me have a bad episode, and they're aware that I may find certain things difficult. I'd still be mortified, but at least there's a level of trust and respect there. I'd have to yell at them later on for treating me like I'm fragile, because they already are a bit protective- I'm the only female, I'm 20 years younger than most of them, and I'm the newbie. So now I just have to keep that in perspective and trust that they've got my back and not only won't harm me but won't judge me if I crack a little.

 

[City Slicker]

So much awesome good can come from what you are doing.

 

[Friday]

The last time I did something similar... Went into blind-mode... I licked someone.

:: blushes ::

Yep. From jaw to forehead. Almost got their eyeball, but my head was being held so I only had a couple cm of movement possible. Eew. Gross. But it worked, better than my head expected, because they not only let go but leapt backwards. Which saved them getting a head-butt to the face.

((To be clear, my school doesn't teach such a thing, neither licking nor head butts, and I pure and simple lucked out that my sensei was tickled instead of ticked. Still embarrassing as hell. Esp. As I'm trying to blunt my lethal-dirty fight training. Whole reason why I started in martial arts was to tone down the violence.))

When I disengage I can see myself moving, but I don't really have any control over what I'm doing. I'd like to think I'd have come to in the same place, at the start of the head-butt. But I don't really know.

Why am I sharing?

Because one of the things that helps me personally through embarrassment is not being alone.

If you're in contact sports...
- You've farted in the most awkward moment possible. More than once.
- You've over or under reacted in the heat of the moment (lick! limp!)
- You've gotten everyone else sick before you knew you were
- You've thrown up, peed yourself, or sharted in response to over exertion or a sharp blow (or unwise lunch choice)
- You've forgotten to put on deodorant
- You've drooled, sneezed, or gotten a booger on someone
- You've eaten tuna, garlic, spinach, coffee, or cheetohs... and forgotten to brush your teeth right before being nose to nose with someone and you have to breathe on. For a long time. Typically whomever you respect most or is cutest. Coin toss as to which.
- You've said something monumentally stupid because you were focused on your body, not your mouth, or not said something when asked for the same reason.
- Et Cetera
... Or you will.

Because everyone does. Sooner or later. PTSD or not. You're not alone. And are forgiven.

 

[Anarchy]

Freezing up and tensing up is a common enough reaction. There are top shihans in some of the arts who have never been in a real fight in their lives, and they don't know how they would perform if they ever did find themselves in one.

It's a long process of gradually teaching ourselves to be calm in one of the most stressful situations we could ever face. I spent 18 months in beginners class, just getting to the stage where I didn't flinch and tense up with even the simplest of work with a partner.

 

[Jonathan Revels]

@Kefira,

I am pretty sure that everyone has been embarrassed at one point or another. Just like FridayJones said, it can be farting in gym class or you forgot to put on deodorant. It is human life. I think if you return no matter how far along the class is will show that you are strong. Everyone has their own faults and flaws and it’s not how you react to them, it’s how you handle the reaction after it happens. You probably feel angry because you have prepped yourself not to act like that in the class, but it ended up coming out anyways. I think that it is courageous that you are trying to take a self-defense class. To me, this means that you are aware that you need extra training in this part of your life. I know I would feel angry if this happened to me and no one knew my story. That would make me feel judged. I would bet 1,000,000 dollars that people are going through the same thing that you are, but you would never know. Next time you go to class, keep your head up like nothing ever happened and you will be fine. I wish you the best of luck!

Jonathan

 

[Kefira]

Thank you for all of the responses.

Because one of the things that helps me personally through embarrassment is not being alone.

Agreed. At least I'm back to my normal setting with my very small class of understanding gentlemen tonight.

I spent 18 months in beginners class, just getting to the stage where I didn't flinch and tense up with even the simplest of work with a partner.

I totally understand this. Most of the time though I have sort of the opposite problem: I'm really good at overcompensating, keeping myself under control and my mask on while inside I'm freaking out. So I look cool and competent (or at least I look like I'm doing the technique right) but I'm sort of out of body looking at myself do it. And then I can't remember what we did. I guess I'm still getting some muscle memory, because I am improving as we go along. But it makes it hard to progress when I find it so difficult to be present with my partner on the mat, and since nothing appears to be wrong I can't really get help.

 

[Eagle3]

I totally understand what you are going through! I've been training in a rather brutal style for the last 3 years, but didn't realize how much I was triggering myself (my instructor is a bit of an asshole). Now I'm having to work with martial artists who specialize in chi-flow to undue the damage i've done to myself. The reason I say this, is I am trained to teach self-defense programs to women and children, but because of my education and experience in stress and trauma issues, I see the whole gamut of responses to the techniques in my classes and know how to help each individual through them. I just couldn't take my own advice :banghead:.

It is absolutely awesome that you choose to do this training, but be very aware of how much you put yourself through. Let your instructor know exactly what kind of problem you are having and ask for his help. Trust me, we've seen it all, we've heard it all, we've figured out ways to help most people learn what they need to learn in spite of whatever is mentally or physically holding them back. And pay special attention to how often you dissociate in class. If you are having a bad night, don't be afraid to sit one out. No one will think any less of you. I had one student who was severely traumatized by men, so my instructor (a male) got ....another guy! to demonstrate something on this lady. I had to step in and stop them all, because she was no longer there, and i could tell. I explained the situation to my boss and he took things a lot more slowly with her after that (but was still pretty clueless).

It sounds like you've found a good group, and i wish you luck and forward progress in your training! But don't stress the physical training at the expense of your emotional and mental health. Too much dissociation in training will be detrimental to your progress...ask me how I know :facepalm:

 

[Kefira]

@Eagle3 Thanks for your reply. I really get where you're coming from: I've never stayed at one dojo or gym more than a couple months before this because of interpersonal issues or issues in the style of training. I think maybe I've found somewhere with my normal training where I can handle it most of the time. But it's also reassuring to have a group of people and an instructor I feel like I could say something like "hey guys, my head's not in this right now, can I step off mat for a few" and have it be okay. Of course, it's training myself to recognize the signs I need to do that. I'm much like you on that: great at the theoretical and giving advice to others, horribly blind about managing it in myself.