Triggered, Think I'm Blocking New Flashbacks

[Digz]

So, I've been feeling pretty crappy and in a greatly heightened state of anxiety for a couple of weeks now. I just realised the other day that I think a new flashback/memory has been triggered, but I'm blocking it, so I'm getting the emotion and anxiety but not the actual memory. Does anyone else do this? I don't know if it is a DID thing or not. As quick as something is triggered and a partial memory comes forward, my mind blocks it and I forget about it. Then I go on feeling terrible for days or weeks, not knowing why. Eventually I might remember something being triggered, or the memory may come to me - other times I won't remember at all.
Now, I know there is something there. I've worked it out, but I'm now consciously avoiding it. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's probably not going to go away by itself, but such a big part of me just doesn't want to know. I don't want to know what other horrible things were done to me that I haven't been able to remember. What I can remember is enough. 5/6 years into therapy and I just don't want to know about it anymore. I'm tired of it all. Just want to get on with my life. Grrrr.

 

[Jobriel]

I have that same type of experience, except that I never get the actual memories. I am sometimes given information while writing(dissociated), but I tend to feel terrible for days. I describe it as feeling like a pressure cooker- There is so much pressure inside that it has to come out, but I don't know what I am actually reacting to.

 

[Chava]

I can also feel sick for a while after being triggered, having parts of memories or flashbacks. For me it's like I can feel all of the blood moving in my body, worst through my arms, like constant rippling and buzzing. Most recently I had to stop during some travel, hang out in a rest stop bathroom stall and just let myself shake a bit. I wasn't digging for any memories or meaning (never works)...just had to let my body deal with that energy. Then I didn't feel like I was in such a thick bubble. I was in pain for a couple days afterward. But the simultaneous floaty feelings and buzzing under my skin went away. For me it's a lot easier to just deal with the physical sensations and find some sort of outlet or grounding...though that's hard enough most of the time.

 

[Digz]

I describe it as feeling like a pressure cooker- There is so much pressure inside that it has to come out, but I don't know what I am actually reacting to

Yes! That's exactly it! Exactly how I feel too!
I'm the same, as I can often have no memory to follow up with the horrible feelings either - then some other times I do... if I actually sit down and start writing about how I feel it seems to integrate me more somehow so that bits and pieces of memories often come out, rarely a full memory though.