Triggered Yesterday

[mytai]

So this touches on a few different topics that could go under different topics, but the majority of this post is about dissociation so I put it here.

Yesterday I was triggered a few times, once anger/frustration was triggered (I rarely ever get actually angry) and the other time was intense fear. Also triggered today but I will get to that later. Yesterday I was walking my dog and I decided to take her for a really long walk because it was so nice outside and I took a different route with her. There is some construction of new condos near where I live going on right now so there is lots of mud, I decided to walk my dog past there because I knew she would love to lie in a nice, big mud puddle. She found one and had a good roll in it (she's old, she deserves to be happy and dirty), so I needed to walk her long enough that she had time to dry off a bit.

I was on my way back home with her and there was an elderly gentleman walking towards us, I moved over to the side so that he could get by us. He greeted me like he knew me, I figured I must look like someone he knew. He was petting my dog, which was fine, I was ok with that and a little chit chat. But then he started getting really close to me, touched my hair and said how braids should always be worn to the front like I was wearing mine. Then he proceeded to grab my arm as he was talking to me because I was moving away (this triggered me, I froze), my dog started barking, I'm not sure if it was at the old man or me. The thing is, I knew this guy was harmless, I was taller, he was very old, showed signs of early dementia, and wasn't being aggressive - he was just being friendly, but too friendly for me. Either way it triggered me and I don't remember the walk home after, although when I got home I had tears running down my face. It triggered such an intense fear in me.

I was in and out of it yesterday after that, I had planned on calling the police to get an update but never managed to do that. I was also triggered early that day at work when I was reading a book my T leant me a few months ago. It's about betrayal bonds. I got to a part of the book where it was talking about the types of betrayal - terror, seduction, power, etc... Well it was saying how betrayal by the spirit is worse than all the other types (like pastors, priests, etc) that made me so mad to read that, how is that worse than any other type? Who decides what is worse or not? Since when did abuse/betrayal get rated on a scale? It infuriates me that the author wrote that. Guess I need to tell my T that, this is the first time in a VERY long time that anything actually got me angry - I don't allow myself to feel that emotion typically, but reading that just absolutely pissed me off. That caused me to numb out and dissociate at work. Would reading that anger you, or am I just being way too sensitive?

After being on high alert all week I've had some pretty violent nightmares. Without going into great detail some of them involve getting abortions (which I've never had, I've considered it but ended up miscarrying), others involve being beaten by others in my life for minuscule things, or sitting completely naked wrapped in a towel and sobbing. I don't get what is going on with me. These aren't typical nightmares for me, I tend to have nightmares that are all along the same lines or repeats, but these are different.

And now to today's triggering event. My boss needed me to come in early to work because neither him or the other boss could be in this morning. So I came in early, which meant parking in the same lot that I was attacked in by my uncle. My anxiety level is through the roof, I am having a hard time staying present, I'm really struggling right now. I plan on moving my car the minute I can before it gets dark, but I am terrified to go back out there. By the time I am able to move my car, security will have been gone for an hour so it isn't even like I can ask them to walk me to my car.

 

[The Albatross]

Separate your issues - what happened yesterday happened yesterday. What is happening today is that it is okay to ask somebody to walk you to your car.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, so sorry the old man triggered you the way he did. I don't think during something like that we can always tell the difference between a "real threat," and a "perceived threat." Old and small or not, fact is, he invaded your space and that triggered a trauma response, (freezing and dissociation). I'm also sorry that it messed up the rest of your day. I bet your dog could sense your fear, and that triggered her barking.

As far as the book is concerned, YES, I would also be upset by that statement! How one type of betrayal (especially in an abusive way) be "worse" than another? And who gets to decide that?! Yes, I find that very invalidating and wrong to say. Ugh...how frustrating.

I totally understand your strong fear and anxiety of having your car parked in the same lot as your recent attack. Will there be anyone at all at work when you get to move it? Or could you go to your boss - the one who sat down with you not long ago and who knows some of what's been going on - and tell him that you really need to move your car and could he, or someone else, to with you? Or ask him if you can move it sooner, when security is still around? I can't imagine how scary it would be to have to walk out there alone again, after dark.

I really hope your day gets better.

Safe hugs to you...

 

[mytai]

@The Albatross, I get what you're saying about yesterday's triggers, but they are affecting me today still. As for asking someone to walk me to my car, I know it's okay to ask - the problem is that security is gone by then.

@TimeToHeal, glad I'm not the only one who is bothered by that statement in the book. By the time I can move my car closer to the building, I will be the only one left at the office and security will have left already. I can't move it sooner without paying for a whole days worth of parking for a few hours. I don't think it will be dark yet when I can move it, but it isn't a sunny day out today. So I am very worried.

 

[The Albatross]

There is no one there except security?

 

[mytai]

@The Albatross, I'm the only one left in the office at that time. I'm not going to ask a stranger to walk me to my car unless they are security, and they are gone at that time. I'm not stupid, I have thought of who might be available at that time.

 

[digger]

I think I'd be tempted to pay the extra parking on this occasion for peace of mind.

 

[desiderata310]

Ummm.. Old guys can do bad things, too. I was sexually harassed at work by a donor who was 80+ years old. Could I have fought him off? Of course but I afraid to do so because he was a big important donor who gave lots of money! When I finally reported it I felt like I was the bad guy.

I didn't know it at the time since I was un-diagnosed but I was severely triggered by the event. That kind of interaction would have reduced me to tears as well.

Don't feel bad about calling the police department for an escort. EVER. call dispatch and just say that you have parked your car in a place you feel uncomfortable about and could they please give you and escort. They are usually pretty accommodating.

Take care of you.

 

[mytai]

@desiderata310, I know old guys can do bad things too, believe me I know.. I just didn't get that this guy was a threat until the physical contact. He was very frail. I will try giving the police a call about an escort and see if they will do it considering security refuses to stay a little later for me.

@digger1, I would except I'm tight on money right now - it's why I have a second job now. If it wasn't so pricey I would.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - given what has happened to you recently, I am not remotely surprised that you would be, and continue to be, triggered by the invasion of your personal space by this old gentleman. They still have a very strong grip. Of course you would react in this way. It is immensely brave of you to be out in public spaces at all. I was badly triggered in relation to personal invasion last Wednesday and I still cannot get myself back to rights. It is a process and will probably only get truly sorted out when you are actually safe from your uncle.

I think that book is invalidating in the way you say. When one has placed one's trust in anyone and it is betrayed, it is going to be very harmful. I would have thought it starts with the family and then faith representatives might come after that, if there is any need at all for hierarchies, which there isn't. Comparing traumas seems like a pointless, fruitless endeavour that ends up minimising and invalidating someone along the line.

I know it doesn't solve your problem this evening, but I do still think that your boss should be providing you (as a female working alone at night) with safe parking facilities (regardless of what you have been going through with your uncle.). Given your particular circumstances, however, I think he should be giving up his own parking space or paying for your parking costs so that you can park safely. He should have a duty of care to you when you work outside office hours. Many employers pay for female (and male) members of staff, who work outside those hours, to have taxis to and from work - in the UK, many pubs, which otherwise don't pay their staff very much, offer this to their staff to ensure they get home safely. Please value yourself above all else. Please don't hesitate to talk to your boss about this; it will never occur to him to approach you!

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I have my bosses spot again today - that's the area I was attacked. I have continually asked for the office to pay for my parking but they won't. I fight for it on a weekly basis. I work downtown so my office doesn't technically have designated parking, we use public spots that we can sometimes get a monthly pass for, the lots won't provide me with one because they only have so many monthly spots available and there aren't any - which means paying everyday I use it.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - oh I am sorry; that sucks. It's not good enough. Look after yourself.