Trouble Getting Back Into Dating

[Bastion]

I'm finding it really hard to be comfortable going on any dates with guys since my trauma. I've been going slow and doing the online thing just to get used to the attention of men not being a bad thing, but then when they ask me out, I start getting panicky and stop talking to them and get really reclusive for a few days (or weeks).

Mostly just rambling, but not sure how to get past it.

 

[blackemerald1]

Why don't you just try going out with a group of friends to calm & relaxing places in the real world. You might find after doing that for a while, the idea of dating will be less daunting. Besides friends have friends that will get you offline & can introduce you to ppl within their circle of friends so you are still within your comfort zone. Widen your world away from the computer in other ways ..you really don't see how ppl behave particularly in a social setting from online dating sites. They are designed to in their set up so ppl can be whoever or whatever they want you to see, but in a real world setting you can watch & listen & see for yourself how they interact to others without the constant anxiety of 'the date' question coming up.
All the best

 

[Bastion]

I guess I should clarify. It's not that I spend all my time on the computer, or incapable of going out with a group. It's specifically in trying to date men again. I can go out with women no problem, but as soon as a guy asks me out, I just can't do it. I start thinking that I'm inviting new trauma into my life.

Sorry, I know I don't make much sense, but I'm trying to type this quick while at work lol

 

[Deleted member 24866]

that's how I would feel about it frankly also- after 40 years of mens bullshit.. good luck :D

 

[Tinyflame]

A friend gave me good advice once, that might help, when they ask, just say yes. :)

 

[blackemerald1]

Or yes with conditions like meeting in a safe public place, taking your own transport and meeting him there so if you get over whelmed, you are not relying on him to drop you home which also means he does not learn where you live.
As you said, take things slow.. Very slow. Set up boundaries to help YOU feel you have control. Make sure you stick to those boundaries. Maybe get a friend to send an msg via ph. with not answering meaning you feel ok or vice versa. Just take precautions. Start the way you intend to proceed!

 

[EveHarrington]

How long has it been since your trauma?

Maybe you haven't done enough healing. Maybe you're not ready yet. Or maybe you need to push through the fear and take a leap of faith. Sometimes it can be hard figuring out the right thing to do at this time.

 

[forgottensore]

Hey @Bastion, I hope you are doing well. I can relate to a few of the things that you wrote - the only thing that comes to my mind is to first of all not to push yourself too hard if you don't feel ready and also to think about anything that might make the first meeting as comfortable as possible to you.

I can get really anxious and terrified when writing with men online for a while and then finally meeting them for the very first time. For me it helps to plan the date so far with enough time in advance to do something that de-stresses me (e.g. doing sports or meeting with good friends to reassure me) and for the date itself to happen somewhere, where it is easy for me to already leave after maybe 2 hours on my own. This might be having a coffee in an easy-to-reach cafe where I can easily leave as soon as I start to feel uncomfortable.

I also agree with all the points @blackemerald1 mentioned and I even think all of those are - regardless if you feel easily stressed - very helpful advice for any person out there to be safe on their first date!