Anniebananie
New Here
This is a really long story...I don't know where else to put it and my distrust and noncommunication with my mom and brother torments me every day. I don't know what to do and am terrified that my mom will die (she is 84) before I can trust her or even see her again.
I really appreciate that I have a safe space to put this.
I told my mom about losing my virginity to rape at age 14, about 4 years ago when I was 46. I clearly remember sitting at the dinner table with my stepfather and my mom, getting the nerve up to say it, and her reaction. She first said, "I know, honey, a similar thing happened to me when I was a child and an old man asked me to get in his lap and touch his penis." At this time, I wanted desperately for any kind of acknowledgement and took this statement as a way of connecting. I remember she later said that I couldn't have been a virgin because it would have hurt. My recollection of this statement is in vivid color, but the time/day are hazy. After that I never mentioned it again and tried to put the whole thing behind me and go back to "normal."
Flash forward to 2 years ago, and I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown (too many traumatic events in a row, plus PTSD from past). My mom and my brother flew in to check on me, as my family was worried. It was very odd. I remember my mom calling me the day before they showed up. I was happy they were coming because I knew I was in trouble. I had just gotten in a horrible car accident, where I was T-boned and pushed 180 degrees into someone's yard. I only got a sprained knee, because I accepted I was going to die and wanted to die, so I was very relaxed.
Anyway, they show up. I have a vague memory of a doctor coming to look at my knee and giving me a brace. I remember setting up the air bed for my mom to sleep on; trying to be a gracious and warm host even though I was not altogether present.
I remember asking my brother if he would go to the store and buy me a pack of cigarettes because I couldn't walk. This is when things got weird and then extremely bad.
He refused to get me cigarettes because he "didn't want to be a part" of me smoking. I turned and asked my mom and she refused, too. I started to panic, and turned back to my brother, who refused again. This happened a few more times until my mother started flipping me off, as I was clearly out of my mind, going back and forth repeating the question, "will you buy me cigarettes?" Over and over. After a few flip offs, I got angry and said, "You said I couldn't have been a virgin when I raped because it would have hurt!" I don't even know where that came from, but it was clearly coming to the surface. She started crying saying that was an awful thing to say to her and she never said any such thing and how could I.
This was the first time in my life I have ever seen her cry.
After that scene, my memory becomes fuzzy. The next thing I know, my brother grabs me and throws me onto the air bed with my knees on the ground and my head in the bed. He is very strong! I couldn't breath and the pain in my knee was unbearable, so I was trying to yell for my mom and saying that I couldn't breathe, while struggling to get free, which only increased my brother's grip. Mom comes and stands by us, looking down.
After I don't know how much time, maybe 10 minutes, the police come, put me in handcuffs and put me in an ambulance. My brother visits me in the mental hospital, but my mom went back to Portland with a back spasm and I later learn she went to the hospital. We never really spoke of this again, and it seems the story is that I was out of my mind and everyone did the best that they could.
I can't get past this. It still hurts. I don't trust either of them, although I try to pretend that I am fine, so they don't worry. But really don't want to talk to them.
I subsequently became homeless after my family sending me to rehab and not being able to work. I got a few months' rent from my mom and my uncle paid for the rehab and my brother paid half my rent one month, but I still had to go to a homeless shelter. No one came to visit.
But I feel tremendously guilty and like a black sheep for need so much help and being a general f*ck up. How do I communicate with my family without feeling so much pain?
I really appreciate that I have a safe space to put this.
I told my mom about losing my virginity to rape at age 14, about 4 years ago when I was 46. I clearly remember sitting at the dinner table with my stepfather and my mom, getting the nerve up to say it, and her reaction. She first said, "I know, honey, a similar thing happened to me when I was a child and an old man asked me to get in his lap and touch his penis." At this time, I wanted desperately for any kind of acknowledgement and took this statement as a way of connecting. I remember she later said that I couldn't have been a virgin because it would have hurt. My recollection of this statement is in vivid color, but the time/day are hazy. After that I never mentioned it again and tried to put the whole thing behind me and go back to "normal."
Flash forward to 2 years ago, and I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown (too many traumatic events in a row, plus PTSD from past). My mom and my brother flew in to check on me, as my family was worried. It was very odd. I remember my mom calling me the day before they showed up. I was happy they were coming because I knew I was in trouble. I had just gotten in a horrible car accident, where I was T-boned and pushed 180 degrees into someone's yard. I only got a sprained knee, because I accepted I was going to die and wanted to die, so I was very relaxed.
Anyway, they show up. I have a vague memory of a doctor coming to look at my knee and giving me a brace. I remember setting up the air bed for my mom to sleep on; trying to be a gracious and warm host even though I was not altogether present.
I remember asking my brother if he would go to the store and buy me a pack of cigarettes because I couldn't walk. This is when things got weird and then extremely bad.
He refused to get me cigarettes because he "didn't want to be a part" of me smoking. I turned and asked my mom and she refused, too. I started to panic, and turned back to my brother, who refused again. This happened a few more times until my mother started flipping me off, as I was clearly out of my mind, going back and forth repeating the question, "will you buy me cigarettes?" Over and over. After a few flip offs, I got angry and said, "You said I couldn't have been a virgin when I raped because it would have hurt!" I don't even know where that came from, but it was clearly coming to the surface. She started crying saying that was an awful thing to say to her and she never said any such thing and how could I.
This was the first time in my life I have ever seen her cry.
After that scene, my memory becomes fuzzy. The next thing I know, my brother grabs me and throws me onto the air bed with my knees on the ground and my head in the bed. He is very strong! I couldn't breath and the pain in my knee was unbearable, so I was trying to yell for my mom and saying that I couldn't breathe, while struggling to get free, which only increased my brother's grip. Mom comes and stands by us, looking down.
After I don't know how much time, maybe 10 minutes, the police come, put me in handcuffs and put me in an ambulance. My brother visits me in the mental hospital, but my mom went back to Portland with a back spasm and I later learn she went to the hospital. We never really spoke of this again, and it seems the story is that I was out of my mind and everyone did the best that they could.
I can't get past this. It still hurts. I don't trust either of them, although I try to pretend that I am fine, so they don't worry. But really don't want to talk to them.
I subsequently became homeless after my family sending me to rehab and not being able to work. I got a few months' rent from my mom and my uncle paid for the rehab and my brother paid half my rent one month, but I still had to go to a homeless shelter. No one came to visit.
But I feel tremendously guilty and like a black sheep for need so much help and being a general f*ck up. How do I communicate with my family without feeling so much pain?
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