True acceptance of ptsd

[Orange Phone]

Hi Everyone,
I am fairly new here to the forum. I turn 50 tomorrow.

8 months ago I started therapy to improve my life/ relationships. I new I was a product of child emotional neglect. Adult life was quite good. No idea I had PTSD Started and decided to tell my therapist those "secrets I was to take to the grave" and my brain was flooded by trauma. A voice said "I want to die, I'm done." It shut down to barely level, my thinking brain. I have a 6 year old and could not leave my son. Had no idea what was going on. Was crappy few weeks. My new therapist diagnosed me with PTSD (complex trauma). Turks out in addition to the neglect, was bad bullying in middle school and possible sexual assault in my early years. I have virtually no memories of my first 9 years of parents and siblings. My brain stored it away somewhere.

So I get this diagnosis. My therapist is also a trauma person and has her stuff together. I am having a hard, hard time accepting this as my "reality" as yes I always had it (finally accept this) but whatever symptoms I had were manageable. Having a child also is a big trigger as well. I know I have it, but I am resisting it. I don't want this. I start to panic and want to die thinking about it. I feel it is this awful life sentence. I think some of it is the triggering of my childhood of wanting to be "normal."

How did you come to truly accept, (and weirdly say) embrace having CPTSD / CPSD? I feel like my life is over. I feel so less worthwhile and even though I "know" this is not true, it is born from that shitty childhood I had. I feel stuck in embracing my "new" life. I lost my job (after 22 years) and have lost that value. Even though I know that the rest for my mind and body is good. I know my "value" is not my contribution but its hard not to feel worthless. I was such an active, engage, connected person.

I started meds a month ago and it powered my brain back up within hours. So the "wise mind" is back. I don't know how to not get stuck here. I want to fight this. I don't want to accept it. If I accept this is now part of me I just want to die. I even get shocked when my therapist talks to me like a "normal" person. And the other day she bought up goals, and I was like, hmm, have none. All dreams and goals are gone. Nothing here for me now. Even when I don't think its true for people with PTSD I feel that way about myself.

How to gain "radical acceptance?"

Any thoughts are welcome.

And if I posted in the wrong subgroup my apologies.

 

[ILoveLife]

I think it comes with time. You're doing all the right things. :hug:

 

[Victory]

Happy birthday, Orange Phone!
Yes, accepting PTSD is a hard pill to swallow. I'm 63, have had it since I was a child (my mother has BPD), and I'm just accepting my diagnosis now. At first I blew it off as something that was not harmful, like being born with blue eyes instead of brown. Then I got incredibly sick with a laundry list of symptoms that 22 doctors over a 13 year period and 2 trips to Mayo, and 11 years of therapy could not help. My physical symptoms got so bad that I had to revisit the possibility that my PTSD was the core of my problems, and I'm sure it is.
Now I'm studying everything I can get my hands on in order to help myself. I haven't fix it yet, but at least I'm doing something, and that beats before when all I would do was lay on the couch all day in pain and despair. Things are getting better, and when I have a bad day, at least now I know what's going on, and that gives me hope that being conscious of it will help me mettle through it.
Better late than never in my case.
Keep trying. We're here for you!

 

[Orange Phone]

Thanks Victory.
I think alot of this to work through for me is it brings back those memories of a preteen (don't remember first 10 years) of desperately wanting to "belong" and be "normal" and not understanding why I was so different. It was like being teleported to alien planet and wondering where I came from. I really had no idea why I was "odd." That fear of being "messed" up starts rising. And I am pretty accepting in an intellectual sense. But those emotions come out.

I read alot too. What books etc have been most helpful to you?

 

[Victory]

Right now I'm binge watching Ross Rosenberg on You Tube and I've got his new book too. Since I'm just now researching the link between physical symptoms and PTSD, I've made a lot of progress by studying Babette Rothschild, and just finished the workbook by Mary Beth Williams. Got Peter Levine on order from the library, and have read all the J.B. Snow's books. Also, I click on the books that pop up on the pages here, and most of the time, that's how I decide what to try next.
What I read reflects the causes of my PTSD. I want/need to understand what drove my mother to become the person she is since she has Borderline Personality Disorder, at the very least. So, in addition to trying to find the physiological paths of this condition, I also study personality disorders because my PTSD stems from childhood abuse. Of course this won't do much for someone who's gotten PTSD because of a mugging in a dark alley, or a military experience, so I'd suggest you try using Google to find what would apply to you. I do "PTSD + (then insert something here like childhood abuse or violence in the workplace)" in the Google search box.
Hope that helps. I look forward to hearing what you've found. I love reading and enjoy hearing other people's stories.

Oh, and Roland Bal on the internet.

 

[user27357]

For me, the diagnosis was just another clue I needed to help solve the problem. I want to say "mystery" but that implies that I had an AHA! moment at the time. I knew all along I was a walking disorder, but I couldn't for the life of me, after decades of more or less constantly trying, find the path to a better place. Lots of dead ends, but it was still an unsolved problem. Wherever you go, there you are?

the diagnosis was a big step and a change of course for sure. It wasn't hard to take or get used to.

Radical acceptance is not my thing. If I was diagnosed with an incurable disease or my life was drastically and permanently changed in some way (amputation, incarceration, loss of a sense, financial ruin) I see a need for radical acceptance. It beats the idea of spending the rest of your time here trying to surmount an insurmountable. Far better to accept and adapt.

But behavior? changeable. Self-talk? changeable. Relationships and interpersonals? changeable. Even depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, fear, the whole PTSD list, changeable and ultimately endable. The diagnosis is a weather report, radical acceptance is getting used to the idea that you don't have an umbrella and will get wet. Therapy is a rain suit and a song in your heart, Singing in the rain- to stretch the metaphor.

And there are AHA moments. Mine come at the cost of hours and hours of therapy including some dead ends and some wastes of time. They are worth every dollar and every hour and prove that just accepting PTSD like a diagnosis of impending death isn't part of healing at all.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me, the diagnosis was just another clue I needed to help solve the problem. I want to say "mystery"...

I think you do not understand radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance is about accepting the reality of the here and now. Nothing less, nothing more.

Radical acceptance can be used for anything, not just terminal disorders as you’re insinuating.

You can use radical acceptance to accept that right now you have PTSD and you are suffering with symptoms A B C D and E.

There is nothing in the concept of radical acceptance that says you are accepting this is how things will be for the rest of your life, nothing whatsoever.

I suggest that you research radical acceptance and fully understand it before throwing it away as a crap concept.

Because right now, as it stands, you’re throwing away therapeutic concepts while misunderstanding them.

 

[user27357]

I suggest that you research radical acceptance and fully understand it before throwing it away as a crap concept.

not throwing it out, or really bashing it am I? There are those that do think it is a horrible plan, that see it as giving up rather than giving in to the idea that you are in a situation that you didn't cause and cant change and have to find tools for coping and survival. i get that.

For ME, it is not my thing, and I have explained why. it is a good set of ideas, but swings outside my approach to life and most of the things in it. If it can be changed, accept it for what it is today, but don't let that be the end of the conversation you are having with yourself. Figure out how to change it, try something else, get back up and try again. Symptoms A B C D and E all suck and I want to get past. knowing they suck is kind of like knowing what the weather is today. I need an umbrella, I need sunglasses. Whats so radical about that?

maybe I don't get it, after all i did end my association with the two counselors that preached it at me with no alternative. maybe I wasn't paying attention or they were really bad therapists.

I will take another look Eve, it isn't without merit and i have been wrong before. But I don't think so today.