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Deleted member 28403
I posted a post a while ago, mentioning how I felt often like my life just turns into a what then game, having no real point, just going from one objective to the other, wasting energy. For the last few weeks I can't get strength for anything...
I had a goal, to pass to the country competition, and last year, I felt completely like crap for not managing to do it, but there was still some will to go on left, and as I think of myself at this moment, I realize that I turned into one of those geezers, who are rarely ever really happy. For me true happiness seems to always be somewhere in the future, but never really... Here. Never really reached, and once I pass a thing that was supposed to be that happiness, once I achieve something, I feel nothing, I lose all will to do anything. I just feel like crap.
People say I should be happy for passing the competitions, but all I feelnis fatigue, sadness, zombie feeling... I feel useless, empty. I fulfilled my purpose, but there was nothing there, I achieved something that took great amounts of work and dedication, and yet, there is nothing there, no feeling of acomplishment, no happiness, just sadness, just constant fatigue, that feeling of lacking purpose, lacking anything to keep me moving forwards. Why can't I be happy? Why!? Can someone here tell me, is anyone here capable of figuring what the f*cking hell is wrong with me, I am numb, constantly numb, constantly fatigued, constantly sad, depressed, empty, tired, dizzy. Why is there no feeling of acomplishemnt, why is there no PROMISED happyiness in the PROMISED land of success. Didn't someone say that there would be something, don't people say that it's a good feeling to accomplish something. Why do I not get it?
I have had a headache for a week, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Not a strong one, but a background one, like a constant buzz from an old computer, annoying, tiring... I am lost, without a purpose, I need to be 'reprogrammed'. Another arely reachable goal has to be embedded into my mind, to force me to have all those feeling, anxiety, fear, but at least feelings, at least something I'm trying. I hate this state. Lacking anything, just an empty shell.
I wish I had a purpose, I wish I could feel anything. I tried everything, I'm tired. I am tired, but there us no reason, like a bunch of wiped infomation, I am in this state, but I can't connect up why? Nothing helps, I drank, I sang, I self harmed, cut, screamed, exercised, slept, cried, hid, hugged my sister when she noticed my arms, but nothing helped. I'm in this state. It feels like an eternity. There is no comfortable, there is just that ugly numb, on edge.
I am lost, lost in place. If someone can finds me, tell me where I am. I wish I had a time machine, so I could go to the past, and hug my past self. I damn well needed it back then :cry: Now, I see nothing, in any direction.
I had a goal, to pass to the country competition, and last year, I felt completely like crap for not managing to do it, but there was still some will to go on left, and as I think of myself at this moment, I realize that I turned into one of those geezers, who are rarely ever really happy. For me true happiness seems to always be somewhere in the future, but never really... Here. Never really reached, and once I pass a thing that was supposed to be that happiness, once I achieve something, I feel nothing, I lose all will to do anything. I just feel like crap.
People say I should be happy for passing the competitions, but all I feelnis fatigue, sadness, zombie feeling... I feel useless, empty. I fulfilled my purpose, but there was nothing there, I achieved something that took great amounts of work and dedication, and yet, there is nothing there, no feeling of acomplishment, no happiness, just sadness, just constant fatigue, that feeling of lacking purpose, lacking anything to keep me moving forwards. Why can't I be happy? Why!? Can someone here tell me, is anyone here capable of figuring what the f*cking hell is wrong with me, I am numb, constantly numb, constantly fatigued, constantly sad, depressed, empty, tired, dizzy. Why is there no feeling of acomplishemnt, why is there no PROMISED happyiness in the PROMISED land of success. Didn't someone say that there would be something, don't people say that it's a good feeling to accomplish something. Why do I not get it?
I have had a headache for a week, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Not a strong one, but a background one, like a constant buzz from an old computer, annoying, tiring... I am lost, without a purpose, I need to be 'reprogrammed'. Another arely reachable goal has to be embedded into my mind, to force me to have all those feeling, anxiety, fear, but at least feelings, at least something I'm trying. I hate this state. Lacking anything, just an empty shell.
I wish I had a purpose, I wish I could feel anything. I tried everything, I'm tired. I am tired, but there us no reason, like a bunch of wiped infomation, I am in this state, but I can't connect up why? Nothing helps, I drank, I sang, I self harmed, cut, screamed, exercised, slept, cried, hid, hugged my sister when she noticed my arms, but nothing helped. I'm in this state. It feels like an eternity. There is no comfortable, there is just that ugly numb, on edge.
I am lost, lost in place. If someone can finds me, tell me where I am. I wish I had a time machine, so I could go to the past, and hug my past self. I damn well needed it back then :cry: Now, I see nothing, in any direction.
