Trust Issues And Self Esteem

[tuck]

My husband and I are both military members. My deployment was a little rough and I came back with some baggage that is turning out to be more detrimental to my marriage than I thought it could be. I don't know why I am like this, I can't make it go away and I just don't know what to do.

After I returned from my deployment, I was emotionally unstable. I would lay on the floor of my barracks room and cry for hours on end, not sure what was wrong with me. I was always known as an almost overly happy person, which was one of the reasons my husband fell in love with me. I was terrified of meeting new people and I still am. My outgoing personality cringes at the thought of interacting with people I don't know and I turn red and my heart beats fast and I just want to hide. This is not the person I am or at least not who I was. I don't trust anyone anymore and even have verbally stated that I have severe trust issues. Eventually, I went to mental health for some help and was diagnosed and "treated" for severe PTSD. My fiance (my husband now) told me once that I was not the person I used to be. He told me he wanted the old me back but I just never knew how to get back to that person. I attended therapy for ptsd but ended up quitting the 12 week program halfway through, feeling like it was silly and I didn't need it anymore. PTSD only lasted a little while, or so I thought....

I hate myself. I mean really. I never feel good enough physically or emotionally and I am always trying everything to please my husband who says he couldn't be happier, but it is not enough for me. I never feel like I am doing everything I can. I have become a gym rat and I wait on him hand and foot and still, I feel like I am so undeserving of him. My low self esteem stems my insane jealousy of even the most unattractive women and I rage at the thought of someone taking him away from me. Although I have gotten better, I have horrible trust issues. I feel the need to always make sure he isn't going to leave or that he isn't talking to another woman. I want all of his time and attention even though I know it is not reasonable. He says to make new friends but I can't. I can't talk to people. Well, I can but I am scared. I get nervous, my whole body feels hot and my face turns red and I just freak out. I know people notice, so I try even harder to avoid them for fear of them thinking I am a basket case. I hate going places alone and will almost never venture from our small town by myself out of fear. I even hate shopping because I get terrified of people standing in line behind me. All of this has created this monster inside of me that hates me and hates what I look like and hates the fact that I can't make friends. It is killing my relationship because I don't want to be alone...I am terrified of being alone...but alone is all I feel and when he is around, I second guess the person I am so much that he doesn't know what to do. When I get angry, I get an anger that never goes away. It gets irrational and it plays scenarios in my head that aren't realistic but they just make me angrier anyways. Part of me says to go back to counseling and part of me thinks he should try to understand more. I just want it to stop affecting my marriage. I love my husband and I couldn't imagine life without him.

 

[Sarg]

You're not alone, nearly all of us have gone through the same or similar. Explore the videos that our webmaster, Anthony has put up, that will get you started on the road to recovery. Self esteem issues usually stem from depression which is part and parcel of PTSD.

I would involve your husband as much as possible in your treatment. It will equip him with the tools to help and tripwires to avoid.

I would certainly keep up the treatment sessions. There's no law that you have to have a particular one. Try several if you have to and find the one that fits YOUR needs. You might also consider group therapy if you can find one that is comfortable with a lady in the group. Group fortifies you because you plainly see that other s have the same issues and learn how they resolved them.

Like a coat of many colors, I've a saying that I've worn out..."one foot in front of the other". It means taking baby steps. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Don't expect too much of yourself as you're setting yourself up for failure.

Come to this board. There are other ladies here. Express your feelings to us, cause likely we experienced it too and might have suggestions on how to handle it.

I'm here if you need me.

Sarg

 

[Ned]

Hello tuck. Like Sarg says, all sounds pretty familiar, which I suppose means entirely normal, sort of thing. It ain't you, it's what happened to you. The trust problem really is a part of it, too. Not sure why but by jingo it's there alright. As is the sense of isolation.
Time to start learning. There will be backwards steps, but you can get that monster under control. And this site is a good place.

 

[Barberian]

I'm gonna borrow an image that someone else posted, sorry can't remember who, I copied and pasted it to a desktop folder for stress/PTSD images.

Welcome to the forum. Hang in there. There are people here who are an all parts of the spectrum of recovery. Feel free to ask away or just vent.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Tuck

Welcome to the forums.

What you're experiencing is quite normal. Give it some time. I can get better.

JarHed

 

[Jimmy1]

I hate myself. I mean really. I never feel good enough physically or emotionally and I am always trying everything to please my husband who says he couldn't be happier, but it is not enough for me. I never feel like I am doing everything I can. I have become a gym rat and I wait on him hand and foot and still, I feel like I am so undeserving of him. My low self esteem stems my insane jealousy of even the most unattractive women and I rage at the thought of someone taking him away from me. Although I have gotten better, I have horrible trust issues. I feel the need to always make sure he isn't going to leave or that he isn't talking to another woman. I want all of his time and attention even though I know it is not reasonable. He says to make new friends but I can't. I can't talk to people. Well, I can but I am scared. I get nervous, my whole body feels hot and my face turns red and I just freak out. I know people notice, so I try even harder to avoid them for fear of them thinking I am a basket case. I hate going places alone and will almost never venture from our small town by myself out of fear. I even hate shopping because I get terrified of people standing in line behind me. All of this has created this monster inside of me that hates me and hates what I look like and hates the fact that I can't make friends. It is killing my relationship because I don't want to be alone...I am terrified of being alone...but alone is all I feel and when he is around, I second guess the person I am so much that he doesn't know what to do. When I get angry, I get an anger that never goes away. It gets irrational and it plays scenarios in my head that aren't realistic but they just make me angrier anyways. Part of me says to go back to counseling and part of me thinks he should try to understand more. I just want it to stop affecting my marriage. I love my husband and I couldn't imagine life without him.

The first part of your story is similar for a lot of people on here, yet others have delayed onset PTSD and that delay could be 30 years for some like Vietnam veterans and WWII veterans.

The part I quoted though is very, very similar to my feelings except they came true the first time. I was wrongly diagnosed in 2002 and was not diagnosed till 2006/7. During that period my then wife slept around and became pregnant. I didn't hate myself at first, I treated all women like throw away garbage.
Now I am married again to the most beautiful woman, not only physically to me, but beautiful in all ways, but I had massive TRUST issues. After I would go off on rants, or after the rest of the family returned home from outings, I used to get scared that she would leave just like the rest of them. And when I mean rant, I mean rant, nobody escapes, not even the dogs.

Don't worry about the anxiety of meeting new people. PTSD is common now, and if they are civilian, they are more accepting. You have to this to conquer your fears, just like going to the shopping center, here is how you conquer that. Start of by going to a major shopping center and walking all the way through and out the other side, then go home. Do that for a couple of days. Then the next week, go there, buy a coffee or something, find a seat and drink it, or walk around until its finished, etc, you get the meaning. Trust me it works. I was a single dad and used to have to shop at 0600.

Therapy, it's very important that you both go. Go to someone that understands both relationships and PTSD, preferably a male. Someone you feel comfortable with. Go to them on your own to start.

Communications between you both is very important too. If you cling too tightly he will want his space. Always talk and ask what he is feeling. The therapy will solve the rest.

And last but not least. Please give us a bit of an introduction in intro area, just so we know who we are talking to.

PM if you have problem.

Jimmy

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning Tuck

 

[reddevil1111]

Tuck,
First off welcome to the forum. Secondly the trust issues are something we all have. Same with the self loathing and anger. I never had anxiety until I started to go to therapy for the PTSD. I started to talk about the past and whammo! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost got arrested once for having a panic attack getting my drivers license renewed.
Therapy will hurt more than help at first. Bu you have to adopt some longer reaching goals and after a while I think you will respond positively to it. PTSD is about the long term. It takes longer to learn about stressors and how to either avoid them or how to adapt to them.
Somehow you have to refocus yourself. you have managed to latch onto your husband in a bad way and you need to refocus that energy somehow. a new hobby might help. Or get a puppy. Cats are far to independent despite what Ned might say.
This place can be a life ring when you are drowning. It has helped all of us out and its also great to come in here and rant sometimes as well. Lots of good info to be had and we all suffer the same beast.
I am glad you found the forum I just wish you didn't have the PTSD as well.