Trust Issues With My Fiancee Who Keeps Lying While I Am Trying To Get Past My Trust Issues

[ashdawn8287]

It is nothing big. Not like he is lying because he is cheating. He is lying about little things. He knows what I am going through and he supports me. He doesn't look up information or get his own support but he listens (I think lol) when I talk and explain things to him. I tell him what I need like if I need affection because I am having abandonment issues I tell him.

He knows I struggle with trust the most. He has a video game addiction and he smokes pot. He knows how I feel as we have been having the video game and pot argument for a year now. He always promises me that he will quit when I get upset and I am upset that I have to get upset in order for him to realize it hurts me. No harsh words or verbal abuse takes place. My focus is to maintain the health of our relationship when it comes to us and not let PTSD effect me. I have taking the necessary steps to heal. I have changed a lot and I have a new attitude and prospective.

My problem as little as it is, is huge because of my childhood trauma and abusive relationships. Trust is huge to me and I dislike liars. I can honestly say I have never lied to him. The little problem is he has been promising me he will put boundaries and limits on his video gaming and limits on how much he spends on pot because we are getting married in a year and have to pay for it ourselves. Well as soon as I am calm and we have talked through our issues. He starts playing games uncontrollable and smoking pot. So this stirs up my trust. It is something I have poured my soul into working on. Its broken promises just like my parents, just like my old friends, just like my abusive relationships. I cannot get past my trust issues when he does this.

Not even that he will without talking to me purposely leave out details of his day and it is a big blur . I told him I would fix my issues and get better for us and I have. I am still having the same issues we had a year ago while he doesn't have any with me. That he says anyways. He has a hard time communicating and leaving things out. It stirs up my mistrust. He does not understand.

So how do I get him to see that?

 

[nomedic1]

Lay down boundaries, ash and make him aware what you feel are points of betrayal. And he can tell you his points.

 

[Philippa]

It is no wonder that you have trust issues ashdawn. He is saying he will do these things and then he doesn't follow through. That broadcasts to you that he is not a person who keeps his word and only says what he wants you to hear at the time to calm you down. I would say that if he is escaping into video games and weed then it might be hard for him to be present with you when you explain how you feel to him. Do you really feel heard when you speak, or does he just nod and pretend to listen?

 

[ashdawn8287]

I have said it hurts me. He doesn't take my feelings seriously. Honest to god. He thinks it is no big deal.

For example:

Me: My feelings get hurt when you play video games and smoke pot because not only does it worry me but it makes me feel kind of neglected. I have poured my heart and soul into this and I keep getting let down every time this happens.

Scott: OKAY FINE I AM JUST GOING TO START DOING EVERYTHING YOUR WAY BECAUSE YOU MAKE NO MISTAKES.

Me: No you are an adult you can make your own decisions and put boundaries on things. If something was obviously hurting you or you felt neglected I would put my stuff down and help you, like I have before.

Scott: Well you always start stuff with me while I am at work

Me: that is no going to solve this issue counter attacking me and blaming me when you have an issue that does need to be addressed because one of us is hurting.

Well you this and you that and I am the type of person that takes criticism seriously so I am going around fixing all these things and he isn't.

 

[nomedic1]

Ash he needs to come to the party, both of you are involved and being there for each other is we're it starts.

 

[ashdawn8287]

He makes eye contact and promises me stuff after it goes like Ashley has an issue. All the sudden he has an issue. Ashley fixes and listens to his issues. His issues get solved and their is resolution. Then he distracts. Like he cant take any kind of criticism at all. Like the conversation I just posted his last response was WELL I JUST DO EVERYTHING WRONG. So his issues get solved. Then my issues arise again. Then all the sudden he has an issue. It's the cycle.

He claims his biggest issue is I don't trust him sometimes. It's like um you haven't really kept your promises.

I have begged him to get support talk to his friends and family. I am his only support in terms of emotions. So not only am I dealing with my own issues I am dealing with his. I take on the whole role of the emotions in this relationship.

I am just frustrated. It's like this is the last flag and after that I am chalking it up to a character flaw.

he says he doesn't read up on PTSD because he can't study in terms of reading. He Is a video person. So I have suggested him watching a video or something.

He only knows my struggles, how much is has affected me, and how much I have healed.

As far as handling someone with PTSD and educating himself it is just not there.

Honestly he is a great guy. It is just the video games and pot I have issues with the further I get into my healing. His issues are affecting my ability to heal.

 

[nomedic1]

He hasn't done anything to earn your trust and he is just using you to fix his problem.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Exactly and telling him this he can't handle. He just cannot handle it at all! I am like I will help you I will support you but your denying and no effort is not helping me. I honestly have no idea what he feels or thinks day to day. I know he loves me, but you have to have love AND trust.

 

[ashdawn8287]

So I went to church and when I came home the house was clean. It's like um yeah I appreciate that but that is not what I am asking for.

Like how many different ways do I have to tell him this hurts me?

Instead of fixing the issue and building my trust and really putting effort in. He distracts me with a clean house. No offense to him but I am not an idiot. I know him by now.

I am scared to talk to him because he won't hear me over his own issues. I am scared to give him a chance because it has just let me down all the time and I just cannot subject my emotions to that when I am doing so great right now, just to be let down again.

 

[nomedic1]

So talk to him lay down the law, and make him understand what you need and then see if he is able to fulfil them.

 

[stephanie44]

Well, some of what you are saying seem like red flags to me... It may be "little" things(just a phrase) now but can progress to lying about bigger things. If you are having concerns now, it might be harder later. I have finally reached a point in my life where I am not afraid to cut people loose, so to speak, if their behavior is affecting me and they are not willing to look at it. I have been through too much in my life to not now expect the best(another phrase and I do know that people make mistakes as do I). I just spoke up for myself at work after 8 years of trying to resolve something on my own and I said NO MORE - there will be people who will not like me because I set a boundary but I have to ask myself, "Do I really want those kind of people in my life?"

Your fiancé may have an addiction and he is really the only one who can stop it and help himself, if he wants to. My father was addicted to hard-core pornography while I was growing up and I did not have any say about his addiction. The only thing I can do now is treat myself with compassion and surround myself with healthy people. My therapist once told me that others will treat you the way you allow them to and boy, was that a big wake up call for me! I am still practicing that one but now I know that we all have the right to be heard and listened to with respect. You deserve to be heard and I am really glad you posted.

 

[ashdawn8287]

So I tried talking to him and he called me crazy. So im having a massive panic attack right now. He threw my trauma book on the floor...... I need something. I am really hurt.