Trust Issues With My Fiancee Who Keeps Lying While I Am Trying To Get Past My Trust Issues

[stephanie44]

I am so sorry that this is happening - panic attacks can be terrible - I wish I could help in some way... Sending a safe hug. Can you get to a quiet place so you can focus on your breathing?

Can you call someone?

I wish I had better relationship "advice" - my PTSD and Attachment Trauma has stopped me from being in a primary relationship - that is one thing I am working through in therapy. I am still glad you posted.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm so sorry. I know it really hurts to be called crazy. It's one of those words that just cuts me to my core. :(

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thanks guys it means a lot. I really think my fiancée has a lot of issues from his childhood. His dad was abusive. So I think he projects and denies a lot of it. But I can't tell him how he feels that's not fair. I need to back away from his own issues.

I yelled I am not crazy because people did stuff to me that was not my fault. And I am not crazy for yelling and defending all the hardworking I've done.

I had a lot of body flashbacks tonight. He did apologize and calm me down.

Im just so mad at myself for having an anxiety attack.

Thank you everyone for talking to me. Im okay.

 

[nomedic1]

Ash but he will just do it again, saying sorry means you are not going to do it again because you have realised your mistake.

 

[ashdawn8287]

That is very very true. We are discussing therapy for him to work out his issues instead of using me and exhausting me. This is honestly the last straw. He knows it too. Check your messages. I might fall asleep but I will ttyl. Thank you from the bottom of my heart everyone. It means a lot.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That's a tough one. I just gotta tell you the truth.

Character issues are character issues. In the past, when I found myself trying to explain to someone basic things like why it's not okay to lie, etc, that was a red flag

We ALL lie BUT this is a pervasive pattern with him. You ask how you can get him to see that. The truth is, you can't. Like others said, boundaries.

If it is one thing I learned about marriage, love is not enough and marriage does NOT change a person. What does is their willingness to change. What I've learned about trust is it is something that you can see. It means their actions align with their words. Not just telling you what you want to hear and then doing the same things a month later.

The real issue here is deceit, not the pot and certainly not the video games. Stay focused on that.

Just because you have trust issues does NOT excuse someone being deceitful so don't lose sight of that. I know when I nag or am being too controlling with my husband, he has lied a time or two about small things. He has also gotten defensive, blame shifted, etc. But he was mature enough to tell me straight up, "Look lady, if you keep doing this, I feel like it is my mother catching me or something. I don't wanna lie and you're not the reason I did but can you p,ease make it safer to be honest?"

Well I heard that and stopped nagging and realized the things I was making him promise not to do are his coping mechanisms just like I have my own and it isn't my job to take those away from him. I darn sure wouldn't want anyone taking away mine! Even though I may not agree with some of the things he likes to do, they aren't hurting me. So I had to get honest with myself.

For example, are video games really a deal breaker for you? Because marriage is HARD work and it will not change that about him if he uses it as an escape unless it stops working for him. Ask yourself what's really going on. Is it the act of him playing a video game or is it that you feel abandoned, like you're not spending quality time enough?

If it is the latter, then you will need to compromise. All relationships need a date night or a window of time set aside each day for you and he and no distractions. Ask him for that. If this is the real reason behind it, tell him so.

Has he always been a liar? If so, then that's a different issue. If not, saying "Hey. I've been thinking that maybe I've been missing an underlying element in this dynamic about video games. I think I've been feeling like we are lacking in the intimacy department. If we could have a date night etc, I think I could be okay with you wanting to play video games."

See how he responds and go from there. And then just be straight up. Ask him if he feels like he is safe being honest with you. Think of things you use to calm yourself or escape that you would never give up. It is a clue he uses it to escape because he goes full force with them after an argument.

Calling you names and throwing your personal property is not okay and you need to assert and make it clear that he is to NEVER do that again. I wouldn't stay with a man who does those things just because I've been terrorized.

At the end of the day, you knew going into the relationship and saying yes to his proposal that he smokes pot and plays video games. But it isn't okay to lie, call names and throw your personal property or any other abusive behavior EVER!

 

[Flyaway]

Ohh Ash! I'm so sorry I wasn't awake to be there for you :( no wonder you had a panic attack! I hope you're not being hard on yourself for it!

I think nomedic is onto something- you need to be a bit firmer with him. He's being a bit manipulative.

Here's an idea: discuss with him what he emotionally gets out of video games? Then talk with him about an activity that you can do together, that will give him the same emotional satisfaction. Oh, know what helps build trust? Rock climbing - it's SO much fun! You have to trust the other person will do their bit, and you can talk each other through reaching the top. I think you should insist on him taking a specific amount of time out of the vid games to do your chosen activity each day... Even if its just half an hour to start with- you might have to help ween him off.

As for the pot- maybe you could try scaring him. Find a video of a schizophrenic who's illness came from pot. I had a friend who developed schizophrenia from pot- his life is a nightmare- literally! Sounds like he definitely needs to ease up!

I hope you're getting a bit of quality sleep... Sending hugs!:hug:

 

[Philippa]

Me: My feelings get hurt when you play video games and smoke pot because not only does it worry me but it makes me feel kind of neglected. I have poured my heart and soul into this and I keep getting let down every time this happens.
Scott: OKAY FINE I AM JUST GOING TO START DOING EVERYTHING YOUR WAY BECAUSE YOU MAKE NO MISTAKES.

Oh this sounds so damn familiar it's not funny. This is my mother all over. You try and express something to them honestly, and instead of taking that constructively, they vomit all over you and make you out to be someone who thinks you are perfect, which isn't the point of you telling him that.

Then he turns it around on you and makes out like you're the one who needs to change. I don't know if it is an inability to accept constructive criticism or what, but it sounds like he just doesn't want to change. He's happy smoking weed and playing games and doesn't want to hear that it is hurting you, so he reverts to being manipulative instead. It's pretty childish behavior.
.
It sounds like you are way more mature than he is, and have better skills at communicating as well.

He claims his biggest issue is I don't trust him sometimes. It's like um you haven't really kept your promises.

Have you said this to him, because it's totally true. He has earned your mistrust and proven himself not worthy of your trust. Trust is earned, it's not a given. You don't owe him trust just because he is your boyfriend. He needs to learn that.

Exactly and telling him this he can't handle. He just cannot handle it at all! I am like I will help you I will support you but your denying and no effort is not helping me. I honestly have no idea what he feels or thinks day to day. I know he loves me, but you have to have love AND trust.

If he is playing video games and smoking weed every day he may not even be connected to his feelings, so it is no wonder you have no idea...he probably doesn't either. It sounds like one of you is there and wanting to be present to the relationship, and the other isn't, and doesn't want to be present to the relationship.

You are trying to have a mature relationship with someone who is acting like a child and wants to stay in teenager mode, and showing no signs of wanting to be an adult. Is that what you want?

Do you only bring the issue up when he is stoned and playing video games? If so it might be better if you wait until he is not stoned and not playing them, so he can be present for you.

So I went to church and when I came home the house was clean. It's like um yeah I appreciate that but that is not what I am asking for.

Like how many different ways do I have to tell him this hurts me?

He thinks that by doing these little things, it will pacify you and you will stop nagging him.

Thanks guys it means a lot. I really think my fiancée has a lot of issues from his childhood. His dad was abusive. So I think he projects and denies a lot of it. But I can't tell him how he feels that's not fair. I need to back away from his own issues.

It is very possible that his behavior is a direct result of all the hard work he sees you doing on your own issues. He does not want to look at his, so by you looking at yours, it may be triggering and threatening to him. You are growing and moving forward, and he is not. In a relationship two people are supposed to grow together. It cannot work when only one person is growing.

He wants to escape and stay in denial...you are the little angel on his right shoulder in his face about the fact that there are things he needs to look at...but he won't, so he takes it out on you, and tries to make you out to be the crazy one. he may feel that he is crazy deep down, but isn't willing to look at all those feelings. Until he does things aren't gonna change.

I don't see much chance of things progressing here until he is willing to come out of denial about his stuff. Ideally you would want to be with someone who is putting equal effort into their own issues, as you are with yours.

That is very very true. We are discussing therapy for him to work out his issues instead of using me and exhausting me. This is honestly the last straw. He knows it too. Check your messages. I might fall asleep but I will ttyl. Thank you from the bottom of my heart everyone. It means a lot.

Are you BOTH discussing therapy, or is it YOU discussing it and him just nodding along, telling you what you want to hear? Sorry to be harsh, but I don't think your partner really takes you seriously.

As for the pot- maybe you could try scaring him. Find a video of a schizophrenic who's illness came from pot. I had a friend who developed schizophrenia from pot- his life is a nightmare- literally! Sounds like he definitely needs to ease up!

This could go either way. If ashdawn were to try this strategy, he might roll his eyes and think she is silly, and not be willing to look at any vids...as most people who smoke weed would do. Also, it is a little bit misinformed to say that schizophrenia is caused by pot. It is more likely, if the person develops schizophrenia after using weed, that it was already latent in their personality, and the weed simply brought it out.

Millions of people smoke weed all the time, and most of them do not develop schizophrenia. Some do.

 

[Flyaway]

I guess so... Unless he realises its not so silly.

I don't think the specialists are 100% clear on how exactly pot contributes to schizophrenia, but there is enough evidence to link the two. Too much evidence (I think) to risk it. I personally hate the stuff, I've seen it alter many personalities for the worst including my younger brothers.

I understand that there's plenty of people who turn to pot when meds don't work for them. While I feel compassion for what they are going through, I wouldn't encourage anyone to use pot.

 

[Philippa]

I understand. I've also seen many personalities change for the worst after weed abuse, including my own brother. I've even been one of those people at one point. Stopping smoking weed was one of the best things I did for myself, though I have fallen back into smoking it occasionally lately. I don't think doing it once in a while is too bad though.

I don't know how it works exactly either, and I'm no expert, but it seems to be the same as people who take drugs like LSD. Many people take this and never develop symptoms of schizophrenia, but it is the sort of drug that brings things to the surface, so if a person starts to show signs of schizophrenia after they take acid it indicates that it was already in them, but just had not come out yet. Maybe it is the same with weed?

I've actually had some symptoms of schizophrenia when I used to smoke a lot, and I can tell you it is one very scary experience. But not everyone will develop these symptoms from smoking it long term.

All I know is that people who are habitual smokers will defend weed to their dying breath, and until something like hearing voices starts to happen, they just will not believe anything non-smokers say about it.

 

[rightkindofme]

What about the pot smoking and video games is a problem for you? Is it that he isn't getting things done? Is it that you wish he spent more quality time with you? Is it that you just think that he is a grown up now and he shouldn't be doing that any more?

In my opinion those three situations are very different and should be handled very differently. If my partner said, "I don't like how you are spending your time and you have to stop" I would almost certainly start lying constantly because I think how I spend my time is just fine @$#$ you very much. I would not react well to someone deciding that my way of living isn't good enough for some arbitrary reason.

My husband plays a lot more video games than I'm happy about. I wish he would stop. But uhm, I'm not his mother and I'm not in control of him. I get to set my boundaries: you aren't allowed to ignore your kids for video games. If you pay more attention to your video games than me I am not going to be real interested in sex. It's not ok to sleep through the whole weekend because you were up all night playing video games.

Beyond those boundaries I don't get to tell him what to do with his off-time. He's an adult. He finds stress relief in the ways he finds stress relief and if he is showing up to meet all of my needs I don't get to control him. I don't want him to lie to me so I don't bother telling him to stop doing things he won't stop.

Err, the incidence of schizophrenia has stayed level at about 1% of the population so whereas there is a high correlation between people with schizophrenia using marijuana there has not been an increase in schizophrenia in the general population and around 70% of the population has smoked pot. So uhm, yeah.

I don't think that pot fits into every lifestyle. But you are his partner and not his mother. You don't get to dictate how he lives his life. You can just decide if you want to share it or not.

I'm not saying that lying is "ok". I'm saying that lying is normal and natural and if you box people into corners they will lie way more often. I don't understand the general attitude that it is ok to arbitrarily dictate to your partner how they should behave (especially in regards to whether or not men are allowed to play video games or look at porn) and they should be required to tow the line. That doesn't work out very often. People are who they are and they will generally lie rather than actually change.

I'm sorry things are hard right now.

 

[rightkindofme]

All of my reading on schizophrenia shows about a 1% rate. Have you seen anyone else claim a higher prevelance?