Trust Issues With My Fiancee Who Keeps Lying While I Am Trying To Get Past My Trust Issues

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you so much for all these responses from a different perspective because I needed them.

He is addicted to video game rightkindofme. As in when he gets off at work at 7pm he changes into pajamas, gets high, and spaces out on his computer until 2am-3am. Says he likes that we just hang out together and do our own things. Video game addiction is a serious problem. I don't care how he spends his time but when it is affecting me and our relationship then yeah there is issues. I don't tell him like YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. I am not that type of person.

I completely agree that it his childish and manipulative behavior because he cannot get past his own issues. The more I heal the more it is hard on him. While playing a video game one night he had a massive panic attack. Denied that is was a panic attack and said he was having a heart attack. I had to drive him to the hospital. Just for them to be like yeah here is some Xanax leave you are wasting our time, of course in a much nicer way. I have talked to him about healthy vs unhealthy coping skills. He swears he doesn't have anxiety and he wasn't stressed and isn't stress and he is perfect and nothing is wrong.

He has no idea what he feels. Last night he told me for the first time that he knows he does not handle emotions and feelings well and he is willing to work on that and change that. Again, Okay thanks but I need some proof and I realize that gaining my trust again is going to take time and I need to work on my patience and not let all these issues get the best of me.

I feel he gets weird when I discuss college or plans. I think (I have to think what he feels or thinks so yes I could very well be wrong, but I have known him since I was 12 years old) he regrets not finishing college. He makes good money, has a nice job, he does those things and good for him. I think he might have a little resentment towards me for not working (I pay him every 6 months that is how my income is set up), going to college, this Africa trip, and all the new things I have been involved with lately. I try to include him, but he needs to stop depending on me solely for his happiness because that is not true happiness.

I wrote a paper about marijuana and psychological effects last semester in my Global Problems course. I got a 100% on it. All my research came from Harvard University. It does cause anxiety. It does cause psychological affects after long term use. And the chemicals that are put into it now, they have no idea what those chemicals do to us. In the link below the first sentence is, "More is known about the psychological affects than benefits."

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsl...ter/2010/April/medical-marijuana-and-the-mind

I don't know I am exhausted from all of this. It is highly immature and even though I feel like I am more mature emotionally and with relationships (I studied relationships, communication, and interpersonal communication one semester) he will never see it. Because there can't be any criticism without there being something wrong with me too.

I appreciate the "defending' video games and free time but this is clearly a problem. It hurts me that he spaces out and ignores me. So yes I do feel neglected as I should because I do not get the attention from him that I sometimes need. And yes the date nights we have been doing stuff every weekend. We are going on a spa getaway retreat this weekend. All of those things that we do is because I have planned and made up the ideas. He says well if you think of something for us to do you know I will go. I would like for him to take some responsibility for us and think of stuff too. My life is crazy, my life is busy, I need his help.

I have told him all this through out a course of a year. Changed all the things he counter attacks me with and yet it is still the same. I do not nag. I am not a nagger. That is not effective communication at all.

 

[rightkindofme]

You get to pick whether or not you want a relationship with someone like him. You do not get to pick how he behaves.

Good luck.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I know, time will tell if he is willing to put in the effort to make this work or if I need to pack up and move on. I told him I needed some space and time after last night because I have not felt like that in over 3 years and I am not doing that to my body. I will figure it out, I am not a dumb dumb. I appreciate all the responses.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I agree with Philippa and rightkindofme. Both things are happening here. You need to figure out your part and his part so you can see there is a separation.

I think it is wonderful you go to church. And it is awesome that he cleaned the house for you. Please give him credit for that!

This booking may interest you: Fight Fair: Winning at conflict without losing at love.

Go find my last thread titled how to deal with a boundary violator and see what transpired. Philippa is right, something has to change. You have to change how you respond to him for the dynamic to shift. It is just the way it goes.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Oh Ash. He is telling you that he doesn't know how to handle his emotions properly. And you've jumped right into needing proof. He has just told you this last night. You gotta give the man some time. None of us are perfect. He doesn't know how! And you can't demand that he figure it out on your watch. That's not fair.

It took my husband 2 years to start coming up with ideas for date night lol Some men are just that way. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Please don't be mad at me.

What is the worst that can happen if you let go of control? My T asked me this when I come in yelling about my husband. Nobody had ever asked me that before. She said what is the worst that can happen if you just let go of control and be himself...are you afraid you might get the same man you fell in love with?

It never dawned on me that my childhood could be affecting my marriage that way. That I had such little control as a kid, felt so powerless, and so small. So now I try to control people places and things because in reality, I'm terrified that I will get hurt again and I'm terrified that he will abandon me just like my Dad did.

When I started letting go, little by little and stopped trying to be my husbands mother or his teacher, or his pastor...the dynamic is starting to change now. My husband is starting to take responsibility.

No, that doesn't mean it excuses unacceptable behavior but if this man we love is basically good willed...not hitting us and cheating...then we must look at our part in helping to shift the dynamic. I know that's hard especially when you feel wronged but this is a thing to learn how to do now if you want to get married and stay married.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you stronger now, No I am not mad at you :). I appreciate the feedback and the encouragement. Especially from somebody who is married. I need this advice! I am not close with my mom so I don't really get great advice from her and can't trust her advice. Funny I trust a person a million miles away more than her ha.

He is good willed. Like I said before he is honestly a great man. He is nice and caring. I know he has a different way of showing his love than I do. I know the stuff he does that shows he loves me. He has stuck with me through my healing, an overdose, and all my symptoms this far.

I understand video games and pot are little petty problems and he doesn't ever tell me no if I come up with an idea to do something. I am just exhausted emotionally for having to carry the emotions of us both.

I am good at self soothing and expressing communication using me language and not you language and all that stuff. It is very important to me to be in a healthy relationship and not act unhealthy to us. My therapist told me with my personality I have the need to go around fixing all the "holes in the wall" because if I don't I feel like everything will fall apart because that is the role I played in my family. I was the adult and my parents were children. I get that has a lot to do with who I am now. He hasn't played video games in 2 days. This is day 2. The problem is when he promises me he will put boundaries on it and he goes back to playing as soon as the water is calm. It really stirs some heavy emotions up.

I think last night scared him because of the panic attack and I have never had one since we have been dating. Also, the anniversary to my sexual abuse is this weekend. I think all the stress from that and I really hate fighting with him, I hate when we are on opposite sides, we both do better when we are working together. I had a lot of body responses last night. My body felt like I was in the trauma again and it really terrified me. I was shaking, throwing up, scared, in pain, and crying. Today I woke up just completely exhausted and can't leave my house (I will tomorrow no matter what, it's all about getting back up), I am a little depressed too. Not to be too graphic but I have sharp pains down there and I think it is from the sexual abuse. I have never had that before. My body went through tremendous stress last night so who knows.

I slept a lot today so I am hoping that helped my body and I plan to do more yoga tomorrow. We are going to a spa resort this weekend so I hope that helps. We are planning to relax together and just be calm tonight so I am looking forward to that.

He isn't unwilling to do these things, it's getting him to see that yeah I don't want to be treated like a victim but he should treat me a little bit different than he would a normal person because I do need things more than a normal person would because I am a survivor of trauma.

I think it is hard for him to accept I have been through trauma or he downplays it because he downplays his own childhood. Again, I am not sure. He is a wonderful guy and despite all last night I still love him, he still loves me. We just have to find an appropriate balance. Again thank you strongernow.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Awwww. Your relationship sounds so much like ours. It sounds like you really love each other. Believe me, I'm the same because of my childhood and other trauma. I'm so scared of the slightest things that I search for the holes too.

My hubby always reminds me that relationships have ebs and flows. It does not mean that there is something seriously wrong with us. He is an Italian old school punk rocker type of guy. Emotions? Forgettaboutit. Haha! But he is learning and he only shows progress when I found a balance between letting go and being assertive.

Childhood trauma survivors have a habit of trying to get our significant other to give us what we think we should be instead of letting them be themselves. When I began to look deeper, I could see how black and white my own thinking was. You have to remember that you both have strengths and weaknesses. Do work to eradicate abusive behavior though and make it a discussion, a team effort to learn about what that looks like and work together to stop the cycle.

My husband does the same. Minimizes his own childhood. I believe me working so hard emotionally terrified him because he knew a day would come when he would have to start looking at it to keep our relationship from being destroyed.

I didn't have a mom either like you. Mine was a narcissist and is still with my abuser!! I had to cut her out in order to heal. For years I had to guess at what normal is because of that experience and I still do.

I promise you it gets better. I was determined to ask women in healthy relationships for advice and I stayed away from any who would purpose to tear down my relationship. The good ones will encourage you to focus on yourself and grow.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You have been through so much and you are so strong!!! You can win him over by your example.

I feel like we are kindred spirits.

You can do this. I believe in you. You are working so hard!!

 

[Philippa]

That helped me to understand a friend from school StrongerNow.

I visited him a few months back, after having not seen each other in 20 years, and he expressed similar attitudes of minimizing his own childhood, which was in reality very neglectful. He grew up with both parents taking acid and heroin around him nearly every day of his childhood, and they were too busy being high to take care of his basic needs. He has the attitude that unless a person is molested, they have nothing to complain about.

His girlfriend, whom he wanted to marry, left him recently, though he did not go into why, but I can only guess it was for similar issues to what ashdawn and you have stated here. I hesitate to get involved with him, even though he is a really nice lovely guy, and I always had a soft spot for him at school...we went out for a while but never had sex.

It's that minimizing that prevents any progress, isn't it. I can understand it...it's hard to look. And he has been taking drugs for the past 20 years to avoid looking. I think we can be both an inspiration to people who are having trouble looking, and also terrifying to them.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I completely agree Philippa.

 

[stephanie44]

I think you are very wise and will have to decide how much of the smoking, lying, and game playing you are willing to tolerate. That answer would be different for each person and as long as you are staying true to yourself, you will be okay.

 

[ekane]

Let's cut to the chase. He is emotionally unavailable, and an unreliable liar. Since he is not living up to his word during engagement, he will not* change for the better if you do get married. Each passing moment you are attached to him is damaging your heart, your soul, you self-esteem, your self-worth, and certainly making PTSD recovery harder and slower, if not impossible. In order to recover, you literally need to be in place where you can trust the person/people around you, and sometimes that means being alone, or with highly empathetic, reliable, trustworthy people. I can promise you that I know exactly how you feel and how hard is to "let go," but the fact is that you already know, deep down inside, that you deserve better than this and only you* can break this cycle of being treated this way. In other words, dump him. Don't look back. You won't regret it. Focus only on yourself, your health, and one day someone truly worthy of your trust will come along. When someone denies and diminishes your feelings, that is called abuse. When someone lies to you again and again, that's abuse too. I have seen it all with these addictive and/or narcisstic types of people, and you cannot change them. And they don't want to change themselves. It's time to move on. Stand up and move on for you. You are way too powerful, to valuable, to good of a person to be putting up with this!!!!!!