Trust Issues...

[Muted]

My being a female survivor of domestic violence, I admittedly don't understand what it's like from a male's perspective. However,
from my own experience...

it was humiliating, the tension and panic never stopped, I never felt safe or knew what was going to happen next, I was confused and couldn't make sense of anything that was going on, I felt powerless, I felt alone, I felt ashamed, I felt afraid: afraid of what others would think, afraid of what they would say, afraid they wouldn't believe me, afraid they wouldn't understand, afraid of losing my kids, afraid of the impact on my kids, afraid of the truth of how he was treating me, afraid I had made a horrible mistake in marrying him, afraid of making the wrong choices, afraid that it was really me and I was the one who was completely wrong and it was all my fault. It felt like I was living the worst nightmare imaginable and I was never going to wake up.

I don't personally know any male survivor's of domestic abuse, because there weren't any in my domestic violence class, but I can imagine how things would be considerably more intensified because of sexual stereotypes.

 

[J'qel]

I was a fellow's rebound after I got him out of an abuse situation that had been going on for years. It was-complicated (and did not end well because of all the issues surrounding it). When he was in it, he laughed it off, she laughed at him and he only complained as a half joke. She was sucker punching him in the groin and dropping him to his knees and she laughed and he's half jokingly say "guess I'm never having kids".

It was like that, apparently, for years between them.

Between his being suddenly secure and free, he kind of went all over the place emotionally, and by the time he started to normalize he'd latched onto an emotionally abusive group who I was involved with (they got their claws in me years ago) and it just..it was bad.

Now he's supposedly doing alright and much more stable but I don't know if he was ever comfortable talking about how he was abused. The most I could get from him even in private was name calling and how much he hated that she did those things. Never anything more substantive.

Being a guy dealing with being a victim of domestic violence is rough. This was over fifteen years ago, but while it's gotten better, it hasn't gotten *that* much better. Some places, it's gotten worse.

 

[Anarchy]

from my own experience..

it's much the same. There's also the piss taking aspect from other males, eg lots of years ago, a farming neighbour had a blacked eye, and my father's greeting to him was

"Where'd you get that? The wife hit you?"

Turns out that she'd given him one hell of a beating.

There's another abusive female who's taken over a farm about a mile from where I'm sat, after beating and abusing her partner until he finally crumbled and left. I only got a tiny hint of what was happening via a cousin who neighbours the place, so I don't know what state the guy is in now.

 

[Rag doll]

I have been victimized in every major relationship in my life, stating with an abusive and unpleasa...

I read your post....sorry this happened to you. One thing that really bothers me is that there are not enough...not nearly enough trauma groups with focus on men....and it is heartbreaking....I remember seeing Oprah show with Tyler Perry and the audience was full of men who were sexually abused...that was nothing short of miracle....I know there are special issues that just like women groups need support.....not implying sexist etc. I know for instance, men abused sexually as boys....grow up confused about their sexual preface...I am afraid there are men who think they are homosexual ....and they might not be....need male support..... Do not misunderstand, I have no problem with consenting adults choosing sexual preface. Really all this nonsense about gay couples and all the violence against gay couples....honestly I want to say get a life already! But back to you .you are not getting the support you need....without the right support from other men...please look harder for what you need. Type in male domestic abuse....there is many men who has experienced it.... There is my favorite treatment center in AZ called The Meadows, and they have workshops for males....even if it's not possible for you to attend workshop. You might want to call, they might know of good online resources.....Get the support you need and the best of luck to you on this....please suffering in silence ....really SUCKS

 

[ground crew]

What are you looking for here @ground crew ?
As far as your questions.. Are you loo...

Seeking information. I can't talk about it except in therapy. Oh, I have MDD & PTSD from a series of bad people, not all female and none realy sexual. Violence, neglect and verbal. But i am specificly victimised by women whom i trust. So does that go away, the utter lack of safety around a woman? And i am venting too.

 

[ground crew]

My being a female survivor of domestic violence, I admittedly don't understand what it's like from a ma...

So sorry that happened. I can relate to most of the fears you shared... Kind of different cause i am physically able to defend myself. But the emotional judo has been used to good effect. The last one is still kicking my ass. And nobody belives me. My sister said she would have thrown me out too. Blame the victim.

 

[ground crew]

it's much the same. There's also the piss taking aspect from other males, eg lots of years ago, a farm...

Remember-men goto jail if they hit. Ever. No excuse including self defense will change that.
- should zzzt

 

[Muted]

So does that go away, the utter lack of safety around a woman?

Thank you for your response, I was afraid I came across harsh and I didn't intend for that. I've been vinctimized repeatedly primarily by men and in my experience initially I was way afraid of all men (to an extreme), but then I learned there was a difference... some men were safe and some weren't.

 

[J'qel]

Ground crew-that's part of what some of us are trying to change with the idea of equality. Men should be free to be emotional, to express themselves, dress and adorn themselves as they wish, to not feel ashamed of being made a victim, or any of the rest of those things that "Be a Man" entails. It's one of the worst sentences I can think of when we're talking about genders.

Men are human too. They feel, think, and bleed just like women do (albeit a bit less on the whole monthly thing :P) and they shouldn't be treated as unfeeling aggressive automatons. The fact that it was a male dominated culture that instilled those values in our society means nothing. It's not the fault of men that they have been victimized by the same institution that has victimized women.

Men lack access to shelters, to psychiatric care, to victim response and therapy. Men are treated as subhuman and ridiculed should they show any "feminine" features-perceived as a weakness. It's not feminine, it's human. You have a society which filled people with the idea that men are in charge and strong and emotionless and invulnerable to stabilize power structures, but what was given up for it.... the price wasn't worth it.

I'm pretty sure most men would easily give up an extra 30cents (varying between countries) on the dollar, being able to be dirty and begrimed, being accepted for aggressive actions, being assertive and the margin of respect they get in professional circles for being able to be human again. To be able to be treated equally when victims of assault and domestic abuse. To be given equal access to being caregivers (a prior "weaker" and "feminine" role), to be seen as a parent in an equal partnership, to be given an equal say in divorce proceedings, etc etc....

So many wrongs were and have been done. It is a terrible shame that things are the way they are, and some days I wonder if "war of the sexes" isn't just a cliche term. After all, we have walking wounded. We have children ripped from their homes. We have the dead and beaten. All because someone thought the shape of our body parts made a fundamental difference to who we are as a species.

It is getting better, but slowly. There are some men's shelters. There is support. Some people are still shaking off the last few decades however, for history is a much older beast than that. It will take a great deal more time to shuffle off centuries of ingrained gender culture. In the mean time, we can all try to be the people we want to see and pass that on to the others we interact with. Slowly we can shape a world, and build something worth keeping.

I hope that, in time, your own wounds will be able to heal, among the right people and in good time.

 

[Blue Survivor]

I am sorry for all that you have been through. You endured domestic violence - period. Just because you're a man doesn't mean you weren't affected by the trauma the same way a woman is affected by it. Trauma is trauma!

I think men are expected to just "suck it up and deal with it" in many situations in life and to "not show your feelings" and because of this it might be more difficult for a man to get help for PTSD. From a society standpoint I can see how men would be expected to 'get over it' and men may be looked-down upon for asking for help more than a woman might be. Society's viewpoints, not mine.

But to answer your trust question: yes, I find it difficult to trust people. I too escaped domestic violence.

I've argued with my BF because he is very often late (he oversleeps) and this causes our plans to fall through. When I tell him this affects my ability to trust him - or anyone - he shrugs it off and thinks I should 'just get over it' or just 'deal with it.' What he doesn't see is that I *need* to be able to trust people, and when the one closest to me stiffs me and breaks that trust and THEN brushes off my feelings and concerns...well he doesn't get it. It's hard to trust people I first meet, but it seems impossible to be able to trust anyone when I can't even trust my own BF. Even if I didn't have PTSD I don't think it is okay to value your own time over someone else's time (which is what chronically late people actually do), and I don't think it's okay to invalidate how one's partner feels.

 

[J'qel]

Very much what Blue said. Being a person with PTSD the need for trust is even more imperative for us. It's how we have managed to "survive" and continue to. For one reason or another every one of us has been placed in a position where we needed to survive something awful, and when it comes down to surviving, if you can't trust someone you can't stay with them or near them, because they may imperil that survival.

I was abused physically by a parent frequently (multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day-I learned the fast way down the stairs as a child-aided by a swift kick more often than not), and abused in other ways by other later in life.

I do trust my husband... mostly. There are things I can't trust him on, I can't trust him to stand between me an danger. He's had the opportunity and hasn't. We're working on it. However, I can and have lived through abuse, and I'm a bit of a scrapper when I need to be. I'd rather I didn't have to, because it has side effects for me later (My trigger emotional responses don't kick in until I'm somewhere "safe" and can last for days). I trust him to largely tell me the truth, to never cheat on me, never abandon me, and to take care of me if I'm able to tell him what I need.

I don't think I will ever trust anyone except my cats completely. They're not human. It's humans I have issues with. Hell I trust most animals more than I trust nearly any human. I think I always will.

That doesn't mean that while my trust issues were worse I didn't date.

I dated around a *lot*. I just never got intimate with them on a personal or physical level. Maybe if you decoupled sex from the dating equivalent it would remove some of the trust issues?

Largely my ability to be inrelationships was because I trusted *me*. I also wore steel toed boots, chained belts, and other methods of self defense arranged as parts of my wardrobe -may not work for you but who knows? I was always able to defend myself and I knew enough self defense that when I was assaulted by someone I was dating (huh-all the people who did end up abusing me were almost never folks I was in a relationship with, but "friends" ... just noticed that-thanks) I was able to use it to get free of them.

So do what you need to do that makes you feel like you can handle it, take note of your own strengths, the things you can do to keep yourself safe. Learn them, and use them if you need to.

You have time, and if you want to date, it doesn't have to be a big investment. I treated it like looking around to find what I needed. Kind of like shking christmas gifts in the morning. You date/shake gently and then listen. If it's not right, move on.

Maybe a more casual, lighthearted attitude with an exit ready to hand and a knowledge of your own strengths is all you really need.

 

[Friday]

Just being prior service military my accusations of abuse (including the 911 call, fractured skull & hyoid) were completely dismissed by the courts. Initially. Read I had to spend over a year fighting it.

Granted the initial "evaluator" -whose job it was to determine if there was any basis for a case- had a whopping 3 weeks worth of training, spent over an hour with my ex sobbing into her arms, and less than 15 minutes with me. She greeted me, in point of fact by telling me I was taller than my ex, and prior service military. "But you're taller than he is." Great. Yeah. Because no one ever attacks anyone taller than them. Silly me.

I had to spend apx 80k out of pocket to prove the abuse, and did because without the abuse charge sticking TheEx would get half custody (a waste, they gave him half custody anyway, after more tearful promises all immediately broken), all because I was initially dismissed by this prejudicial idiot. A slam dunk domestic violence case, turned into a freaking circus. The bastard had even confessed, during the interview with this brain dead moron, and she still found no cause to investigate for abuse. My stack of evidence was apparently taller than his tears. And you know, sobbing vs evidence? Clearly. The tears for the win!

He was crying.
I was furious.
Therefore? He's the victim!!!
FFS.

I can't even imagine how much harder things would have been if I'd been a man.

***
Once we finally got to the level of Judges? He was seen through almost immediately. But in order to GET to that level? Months and months spent with f*cking morons. Skeptical doesn't even begin to cover it. Completely Prejudiced? Comes closer.