Trust question for a sufferer?

[A13]

Good morning all, I was wondering if any sufferers out there can help me understand the trust side of things?

My vet partner had a huge fight last weekend, he rarely looses his temper and last Friday he did. I'm going to give my version of events and hopefully someone can help me understand his thoughts ...
I said to him when he got home (what did you do in the gym, you were down for ages?) I didn't mean this in a nagging way, i was out anyway. I was just asking like what workout he done. Well he cracked
He told me that I must be up to something. When I asked him what did he mean he wouldn't answer but he just accused me of "being up to something" I should have walked away but instead I defended myself, I wasn't up to anything and I don't want him to think I was??
That was fuel to the fire... 15 minutes of a fight later he basically told me, How could I trust you... which when you are nothing but loyal and honest to someone, has put a really bitter taste in my mouth. I'm heart broken that he said that. I pride myself on loyalty. I am all about making him feel secure and loved and he actually said that!!!

So it upset me all week... and the right moment came up. We had a nice day together, he was lying on the sofa ..I asked him. Can I ask why you said that.

He said, your trying to cause an argument. I replied I wasn't but it upset me knowing he didn't trust me. I got " I didn't mean it. It was heat of the moment." Now maybe it's just me. But I'd NEVER say that if I didn't mean it.
He wouldn't go any further with the conversation..told me to drop it. I just don't understand; does he not trust, was it maybe in anger or is he just paying me lip service??

So confused.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sounds to me like he said it in the moment and didn't mean it.

Just because you would never say that to someone in the heat of the moment doesn't mean others are the same.

I'd just let it go as something said in a PTSD moment and move on.

 

[Sighs]

My vet has said some truly awful things to me in the heat of the moment. (As recently as this morning.) Its like nothing is off limits and he will use whatever he can to hurt me.

Like you @Adm13, there are certain things I would never say - even in the heat of the moment - topics that are off limits. But I can do that because my brain still functions "normally" even when I am angry or upset. If you haven't already, watch the videos on amygdala hijacks at the top of the Supporters forum. A 'PTSD moment' really is like a 2 year old's tantrum in that the emotions have completely taken over. So, just like a child screaming "I hate you! I wish you were dead!" at a parent because they aren't allowed an ice-cream, nothing my vet says when he is angry is how he feels when he has calmed down.

The problem of course is that it still hurts to hear those things. I went to work early in a huff and sat at my desk and cried this morning. He called up about half an hour later asking why had I gone already and he thought we were going to have breakfast together. :banghead::rolleyes::(

 

[scout86]

what did you do in the gym, you were down for ages?)

I don't totally get where he went with this, but that question, worded like that, could have set me off a little too. On a really good day, I'd have tried to assume that it wasn't meant the way it sounded. On a bad day, or a day when there had been other questions along the line of "where were you going, what were you doing," etc, I'd have felt like i needed defend myself.

I'm not saying you shouldn't ask, or that you meant it like it sounds to me, but to me it sounds like something seemed 'not right' to you and YOU didn't trust HIM.

I don't know that that explains where he went from there. I might have blown up, but in different way.

If being deceived is a part of your PTSD experience, it's hard to trust people. 'Being deceived then' gets mixed up with what's going on now. If someone tricked you before, why wouldn't someone else trick you now? If you were wrong about someone before, what makes you think you aren't wrong about someone now? It seems like it's safer to error on the side of not trusting. I honestly can't imagine any other way to look at things....

But I don't know that's what's going on with him.

 

[A13]

Thanks everyone. That helped me realise I need to just watch the kind of language I use when I'm talking to him about things like that.
Perhaps if I had of just worded it the way I exactly mean. "What kind of workout did you do in the gym" would have avoided all of that. I actually didn't even think about it that way. Thanks everyone. :)

 

[scout86]

I don't know that this will apply to anyone else, but you just said something that I realize really matters to me.

The people I'm most comfortable around just say what they mean I don't have to spend any energy trying to sort out their meaning. I don't get caught up wondering 'what if I get this wrong?.' We can just have a conversation. It feels.....safe? I'd never thought of it quite that way, but I think, at least for me, this is important.

Thanks for helping me see that! And good luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @scout86. Trust and safety go together.

 

[Sighs]

@Adm13 - please please please be wary of this way of thinking! "If I had done/said/been different he would not have lashed out." It is soul destroying to take responsibility for another's behaviour like that. My father suffered untreated combat PTSD. I was born into this environment. I walked on eggshells my whole life. It was NEVER lightly enough. My current partner has combat PTSD. Once again, no matter how good you are at tap dancing you will NEVER be able to avoid every landmine. His lashing out is on him - not on you.

 

[Justmehere]

He was out longer than expected at the gym, you intended to ask what kind workout he was doing, instead you asked what he was up to... and he started accusing *you* of being up to something and not being trustworthy....?

It would make more sense if he had said you don't trust him. Instead he went into his lack of trust in you?

As a sufferer, this feels like projection. Like he is projecting his insecurities on to you. He *might* be upset you (unintentionally) stated he was up to something as if he couldn't be trusted and flung it back on you that no you are untrustworthy.

At the end of the day, only he can say. If this is at all a pattern, then when things are going well, I'd ask for ways that you can help show him you are trustworthy, and ask him how you can better communicate to him, or show that you do trust him, if you do. Don't just ask for trust, ask how it can be built.

And I agree with others: Be direct. Clarity is key. And be kind to yourself through this, this all takes practice to figure out how to navigate. :)

 

[StarChild]

Ops...Every time I read this thread, it gets a bit more abstruse... There seem to be misreading, mis-interpretations as well as projecting, IMHO...

He was out longer than expected at the gym, you intended to ask what kind workout he was doing, instead you asked what he was up to.

Um...NO, @Justmehere, that was not what the OP originally posted... She wrote: (Bold is for emphasis)

I said to him when he got home (what did you do in the gym, you were down for ages?)

I'd also like to look a bit closer at your second post @Sighs, and would also like to share my point of view with you @Adm13, but it's almos 7 a.m. where I live and I had only 3 hours of sleep during the last 48 hours. So my brain is shutting down.:sleep: I'll try to respond as soon as possible for me. Good night, or good day to you all. :tup:

 

[Justmehere]

@TreeHugger. - Fair point. You are right, that isn't word for word was the orginal poster wrote. I was trying to make an attempt to paraphrase the overall sequence of events very briefly. I did not intend to misrepresent what was said word for word, but summarize, and there was probably a better way to do that.

 

[A13]

Thanks for all the replies so far. I appreciate any feedback I can get.