Trust question for a sufferer?

[talon]

Good morning all, I was wondering if any sufferers out there can help me understand the trust side of thi...

Here he is saying / showing the best form of defense is attack . Clearly he thought that you suspected he was up to something and responded defensively when in reality you were merely interested. Whilst this may have been a misunderstanding his defensive response may reveal he was later because there was a reason he did not want to share. This may not be true but at least you are aware. Trust is very important for any relationship to work. An innocent remark did not warrant his reaction.

 

[Tinyflame]

I didn't have the courage to voice it but I must agree with @ROBERT TALON on this one, would be a huge red flag to me. Better to know and move on, or if you feel confident the trust is founded let it go.

 

[Deadman]

does he not trust

Many vets, including myself, have a hard time trusting anyone. Even the people we love. We can also respond in anger to relatively minor slights, real or imagined. Most of the time its not a matter of choice.

Is trust important in a relationship? Yes. Can PTSD rob you of trust? Yes. Is it fair to either party? No.

 

[LuckiLee]

Good morning all, I was wondering if any sufferers out there can help me understand the trust side of thi...

Hi there...

The way I see the situation you described is basic PTSD. Something happened to him prior to going to work out. A bad experience at a store. A stupid telemarketer. Traffic on the way there. It could have been anything that put him in PTSD mode.
When you asked him what he was up to that was enough to make his "stress cup" overflow. It didn't matter what you asked him it would have had the same result.
When my vet is in a PTSD episode I rarely talk to him. I let him reach out. If I do engage conversation it's never about anything serious. And never anything negative. Those things are dealt with on good days.
When J and I have arguments like that I address it later but I only address how it makes me feel. Not what was said because he won't remember half of it. He disassociates during these times. He's not in the present. He's back in some shithole dessert fighting for his life and for the lives of his brothers.
I can read my guy pretty well. I can tell when he's in PTSD mode by his facial expressions, body language and even tone of voice. If you stick with it you'll be able to do it too.
Well, I'm rambling now. Read around the forum and maybe do a little research on combat PTSD. Good luck!

 

[Sighs]

Not what was said because he won't remember half of it. He disassociates during these times. He's not in the present. He's back in some shithole dessert fighting for his life and for the lives of his brothers.

My vet is the same. Makes it very hard to address hurtful behaviours when he's not fully present... Sigh!

 

[Friday]

An innocent remark did not warrant his reaction.

That's PTSD for you, though. Grenades for flyswatters.

 

[dulcia]

it upset me knowing he didn't trust me. I got " I didn't mean it. It was heat of the moment." Now maybe it's just me. But I'd NEVER say that if I didn't mean it.

Sounds like closure to me. We obviously can't read his mind, but my vet has said the worst possible things you can imagine in your head to say to a person when he's in full blown zero dark thirty, topics I would never considering touching in a relationship or otherwise.

 

[blueangel371115]

I agree. I know I had said and done really hateful things to my partner when I'm triggered. It's horrible. Most times I don't even remember doing it. I would never say or do them in a normal, non-triggered state either. My husband doesn't understand it, however other than through his psychology courses, he's never dealt with a DV/ child abuse survivor. Certainly not as a partner in a support role. It's hard for him.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Perhaps if I had of just worded it the way I exactly mean. "What kind of workout did you do in the gym"

My last therapist helped me a lot with communicating to my husband. I'm the one with PTSD not my husband. I used to try to make whatever I said sound good. My therapist told me, "Just come out and say it directly. Don't rehearse it. Speak your truth." That helped me loads. Now I just say what's on my mind without any pretense. My husband appreciates my honesty. Though he doesn't always like being confronted, he likes my bluntness.

My husband has trust issues which stem from his first marriage. He married me because I was truthful 99% of the time or as he says 100% of the time.

 

[Yasmine]

Thanks everyone. That helped me realise I need to just watch the kind of language I use when I'm talking...

You sound like a lovely supportive partner can I suggest, if it wasn't said somewhere i didn't read , that in avoiding the topic the second time you brought it up it may have been because he was figuratively " beating himself up " about it and didn't feel he could cope with this from you too ( having said that from what you've said it sounds improbable that you would have had that intention) but even knowing that himself PTSD means your always on the watch for danger or threat.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Good morning all, I was wondering if any sufferers out there can help me understand the trust side of thi...

I've learned from reading so may articles on ptsd. When a sufferer makes certain disrespectful statements, a lot of times they don't mean to; you just have to be silent and give them space or it could become a trigger. I know it sounds impossible, but it's worth a try.

 

[Cicero]

As a sufferer I can tell you that the cold moments will come regardless of what you say or do. Our triggers rarely make sense and they can come at random times. My wife calls it my flat face mode. When she sees it she give some space until I am ready to talk.

When triggered it is a biological imperative for us to get away from the source until we can calm down. When well meaning people ask questions to try and help it aggravates the situation and we lash out. It is a bit like being a cornered animal. All we can think about is defense in that moment and we lash out to get people to back off. I am not commenting on how right or wrong it is, but there is no choice involved in these moments. Luckily for most of us that defense is lashing out verbally rather than physically.