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trying so hard

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FauxLiz

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I have been trying so hard lately to keep it together, to not spiral down not sink into that dark abyss but I feel as though I am losing the fight. I feel as though I can't see a future for me past the next couple of weeks. I hate this I hate the darkness within me. I don't feel as though I can talk to my T about this because it falls outside the treatment protocols for what we are doing currently but I don't feel like I can continue the treatment either. Our sessions feel so stilted. I feel as though he is talking down to me like I am a child going through the steps and the worksheets and I hate that I hate be condescended to in therapy even when I know that is not his intention and he would feel awful if he knew I felt this way.

I really wish it would just end, everything just end.
 
I think its really important for you to talk to your therapist about this even if it means interrupting the path of therapy that he is on for you. Whatever you are working on may not be successful if you continue to feel stuck in this state of foreshortened future. I hear that you want it to end, but Im sure you just want things to feel different than they currently are, not in a permanent way.

This therapy is for you, not to make him feel better. I was where you are at for a very long time and did not have therapy to address it. Eventually the anxiety became paralyzing and has really shut me down. Now its more apathy, what was once overwhelming as become empty. In hindsight I think it led to such anxiety that created a paralysis. This has left me feeling helpless to try anything. At least I was fighting to not spiral down before.

We all take a different path and this may not happen to you. I just know I would have so much work just to get back to where I could even attempt to put up a fight for my life. Regardless of where these thoughts and feelings lead you, the therapy is for you and you deserve to not have to worry about what the T thinks and bring attention to where you are in the "here and now".
 
because it falls outside the treatment protocols for what we are doing currently

Well.. how? Because your mental health incorporates a broad spectrum. So if these feelings are impacting your ability to focus on a targeted treatment plan to the point where you are feeling helpless - it's unlikely to succeed or maybe at least be as worthwhile as you want it to be.

I think its really important for you to talk to your therapist about this even if it means interrupting the path of therapy that he is on for you. Whatever you are working on may not be successful if you continue to feel stuck in this state of foreshortened future. I hear that you want it to end, but Im sure you just want things to feel different than they currently are, not in a permanent way.

^ Yes @brat17 imo you have nailed it. FauxLiz - you are such a lovely person but you cannot take responsibility for how your T feels about this. Please don't be afraid to bring it up.

@FauxLiz - I'm not certain of this so tell me if I am but is this cyclic for you? Ptsd is very cyclic for me and what you've described is very much similar to how I would describe part of my pattern. Can you recognise this as a pattern?
 
Just as @blackemerald1 shared, the cycles happen regardless of what we do or don't do. One of the many confusing things about this journey we are on.

I understand feeling how bad you need something to be different.

I have suffered from the downward spiral of depression for many years. Not so much in the past ten years. What changed was I finally accepted it was going to take a long time to rewire my brain and learn how to ride thru the hard times. That's all I had to do. Just ride it out. Because eventually, something shifted. Not in grand or dramatic ways, something just shifted enough for me to see I was going to make it to the other side.

I finally found meds that worked. That helped a lot. Gave me a little 'breathing space'. Enough space for the things I was learning to take hold and I could practice. Baby steps. (And I did get upset hearing that term!)

And as the others shared, your time with your T is YOURS!!! If you are uncomfortable saying something to your T, write it out and hand it to him. And even if you feel it's going to 'upset' him, keep telling yourself, 'this is for me, this is for me'. Even if you don't entirely believe it, keep saying it. Our internal dialogue is very important on this journey.

Every single person on this forum struggles with depression. It's just an ugly fact. One that none of us likes. But you reached out, and that is the first step to changing it. It may not happen as fast as you would like for it to, but it WILL change.
 
I hear that you want it to end, but I'm sure you just want things to feel different than they currently are, not in a permanent way.
@brat17 yes I want to feel differently but I am so tired of short-term changes I really do want something permanent. I don't know anymore maybe it is time to consider/suggest more extreme treatments such as ECT, Escketamine (just FDA approved) or locking myself away forever. I am so done with this empty, sad pointless life that I really don't know how to go on.

I have tried so many different meds and nothing works very long if at all. I have been taking "baby steps" for nearly four decades I am tired, tired of fighting to get out of bed in the morning, fighting to function, fighting to pretend there is some sort of normalcy in my life.

@blackemerald1 this could cyclical, but this is generally not what I consider to be my bad part of the year. I feel like I am getting worse not better no matter what I try
 
For me the depressive aspect of cycling had to be arrested for me to improve. How can you address the depression and initiate changes and improvement on this aspect?
 
but this is generally not what I consider to be my bad part of the year. I

So, it may not be a certain part of the year. For me it tends to be phases that I will cycle through a speed that I have no control over. I couldn't really accurately say how long it takes to go through any particular phase because they all may be different or at least feel different. The depressive part for instance probably feels to me to last for ages... months before it lifts a little.

I feel like I am getting worse not better no matter what I try

^Me too... I mean I feel like that a lot but I'm hoping it's not true and it is the depressive, hopelessly cyclic thing that is part of the ptsd for me.

Can I ask you what you are aiming for? What is your goal with therapy? Where do you think it should take you? You don't have to answer is it's too personal of course, but I'm wondering if your goals are so high that you've set yourself up to fail - I think I've done that to myself at times too.
 
I feel as though he is talking down to me like I am a child going through the steps and the worksheets and I hate that I hate be condescended to in therapy even when I know that is not his intention and he would feel awful if he knew I felt this way.
Or he might be like “Okay, how can we approach this so you don’t feel condescended to?”
I don't feel as though I can talk to my T about this because it falls outside the treatment protocols for what we are doing currently
Sometimes what we’re doing currently is causing or contributing what’s goin on outside of session, and it’s vital that it’s known.

Sometimes what we’re doing currently has nothing to do with outside issues, but needs to be paused, so that other issues can be addressed.

Either way, attempting to treat in a vacuum? Isn’t really expected by anyone I’veever known. It’s expected that things will come up. Either related to what we’re doing, or not, and that adjustments will need to be made. It’s not wrong / you don’t have to hide what else is going on in your life.
 
@The Albatross I am trying to address the depression, I have an appointment with my Pdoc tomorrow and am going to ask about ECT or ketamine therapy because nothing seems to really break the depression for more than a few days/weeks.

@blackemerald1 I posted a thread a couple of weeks ago about what my goals for therapy were/are but my short term goals are to find a way to survive, thriving seems a stretch.

@Friday you are probably correct about his reaction, we have discussed in the past my over-tendency to protect others from myself to the point that it is not a good thing for me and that is most likely what I am doing here I just don't want to upset him. Therapy in a vacuum can't happen and he keeps telling me that it will not be a problem if I can't continue with CPT but at the same time I know that the first several weeks it is expected that you will experience a worsening of symptoms so is it just the natural worsening or is it something else/more? I am so accustomed to hiding what is going on in my life from others I really struggle to let that wall down even in therapy.
 
we have discussed in the past my over-tendency to protect others from myself to the point that it is not a good thing for me and that is most likely what I am doing here I just don't want to upset him. Therapy in a vacuum can't happen and he keeps telling me that it will not be a problem if I can't continue with CPT but at the same time I know that the first several weeks it is expected that you will experience a worsening of symptoms so is it just the natural worsening or is it something else/more? I am so accustomed to hiding what is going on in my life from others I really struggle to let that wall down even in therapy.
It could be part of common it-gets-worse-before-it-gets-better trend of trauma therapies. CPT involves some exposure to the traumatic event. It’s not a walk in the park type of therapy. At all. Getting really down isn’t outside of the treatment protocol of therapy, inside and outside of CPT, and the fact that your therapist is ok with trying other tools is a good sign.

For me, depression is the hardest symptom for me to manage. The rest keep me moving towards healthy relief. Depression drags me down where I just want to give up. I’ve been really working on basics lately of a whole life approach: quality of sleep, eating, exercise, social contacts, etc. It helps. It’s still a battle. Depression says give up even when there is hope. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find a way to let the therapist in on what symptoms you are facing so he can help hold on to hope when it seems far away.
 
Haven't been here in a bit so thought I would update. The struggle has continued, I spoke to my Pdoc and we have added bupropion xr as an additional anti-depressant and he is referring me to his organizations ketamine trial. He is part of a major behavioral health org which hasn't started approving physicians for ketamine or the esketamine protocols but they are at least doing something. I haven't heard from them and I will give them another week or so before I check in but I am not in a huge hurry as I am waiting, hoping that my insurance will add esketamine to the formulary after their review in June.

I have had one of those life moments in the mean time. With all of my struggles fighting depression and suicidal ideation the one thing that I have been clear on was that my kids have been the one reason I continue to live. And now my son has given me another, though it will probably seem odd to most. Last weekend the night before he left for his summer internship my son told me that he is gay. My T told me the timing was serendipitous as I had reached a point where I was simply waiting for him to leave for the summer and I was going to carry out one of my plans. My son came out to me last weekend and in doing so he saved my life. I know that it was very hard for him to tell me, and my history married to his father did not bode well that I would be accepting (I don't talk about religion or politics with anyone even my kids as they have a direct involvement in my job and career field) so he was concerned that my beliefs were aligned with his father's which they are not. But his nervousness and anxiety that as his mom I wouldn't continue to love and support him unconditionally is some thing that I never want him to question again. I never want him to think that anything he does or who he is influenced my depression, self-harm or ideation. It was a tough weekend, I spent the time after he left really looking at my depression, self-loathing and negative tendencies. I have a really long way to go, it is going to be hard, probably the hardest thing I have done second to leaving my ex husband but I can no longer view suicide as an option no matter how hard it gets. I love my son, I love my daughter and part of my job as their mother, part of protecting them is to protect them from any harm I could do as well and while I have always maintained that they would be better off without me, I will never let my son think I don't love him unconditionally and in order to ensure that I will fight this beast, this devil and for my son even though he will never know, every day he is saving my life just by being the amazing person he is.
 
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