Relationship Trying To Figure It All Out

[lisalisa46410]

I'm turning here because I don't know where else to turn. I am a 39 year old woman in love with a 39 year old Army vet who is suffering from PTSD.

Background: We met when we were 19 and in college. I was a bit of a wild child while he was very conservative. We dated on and off for many years with him always trying to tame me and me trying to push the boundaries. He was focused on a legal career, I was focused on living in the moment. We had a major falling out at one point in our mid-20s which resulted in a break up and loss of contact for several years. He immediately went out and got engaged, married, had a child, deployed, wasn't happy in his marriage, redeployed and had another child and still wasn't happy. Around this time we re-connected. At first as friends and then admitting our feelings were still there for one another. By this point he was in the midst of being a rising political figure in his community and trying to figure out what was the best thing to do for his children.

He and his wife discussed a year long plan for divorcing. We started planning a romantic relationship in the future. He deployed to GTMO. While at GTMO his wife blindsided him with divorce papers. After the initial shock, he asked me to pursue our romantic relationship. He talked about living together and sharing our lives together although he wasn't sure if he would ever again marry. I was okay with that.

During this time he was also diagnosed with PTSD resulting from witnessing a bad jump during airborne school and then having to spend time with the high valued detainees at GTMO.

I started doing everything stateside for him to find and purchase a house - a house he said would be ours some day. (Knowing the divorce could take a year or so, getting his kids comfortable, and not impacting his political career timing was important.) He said he needed time before we entered a serious, exclusive relationship. He wanted to talk with and possibly date other people but he knew

In rather quick time we found a home and he purchased it. Yay!

His diagnosis was changed to PTSD - chronic and severe.

His deployment ended recently and I picked him up from the airport in ATL on my birthday which was a great present! During our time he told me that he was fearful he would never recover from PTSD and it had changed him forever. (And he is changed.) He also said it might be better to end things now as he didn't want to cause me even more pain down the road. We shared a very special, intimate week but the talks always came back to his feelings of withdrawing, fear of being institutionalized, and causing me more pain. I reminded him that this potential for him to cause pain to a person would happen with anybody he was with so why did he push me away? He said he wasn't sure if he would be with anybody but he would rather not cause this kind of pain on somebody he cared about so deeply and had loved for so many years.

We arrived back in our hometown on Thursday of last week and I have had very minimal contact with him since. His wife is calling his mental health into question and done so via court filings so he is responding in like kind. She is holding his kids from him.

Plus he is trying to reconnect with his friends and political supports (elections in November!)

We've had one short phone conversation and exchanged a couple of text messages/Facebook messages. But he is a bit stand-offish. Because I worry about him, I try to check in often. I asked if this was overwhelming to him and he said, "A bit."

He has gone to church with one woman who has shown some romantic interest in him and he admitted he was interested in getting to know her better. They've gone to church together since he's returned.

I felt closer to him when he was in Cuba than I do now that I am only two hours away.

I asked him what I could do for him and he said, "Pray." He indicated that it might be awhile before we are able to get together in person again. I'm not sure if that is his withdrawing, being busy with everything that he has to do after deploying, trying to move into a new house, dealing with a divorce, etc. (I think I may have answered my own question on that one!)

So what do I do? Continue to message him once or twice a day? Avoid contact until he reaches out out to me?

Is his reaction to pushing me away normal?

Please no judgements about starting the planning of our lives together before his divorce is final. His wife is already in another relationship so it is a moot point.

How do I best support him? What do I do to preserve this relationship? Do I just allow him to walk away?

He's had my heart for 20 years. :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I was always under the impression that when someone ended a long-term relationship that there should be a time period of recovery before they enter another. I think that maybe if you started the relationship now it would not have very good foundation for the future.

That is just my 2 cents.

 

[lisalisa46410]

I agree with you Ayesha. I know that from a relationship standpoint it is very important for him to have time before we begin ours. And that part hurts.

I just don't know how to deal with is withdrawl, etc. on the friendship front. Throughout everything we have always been best friends. I want to be there for him during this and support him.

 

[Kkdawn]

Lisalisa I had a very similar experience. When I reconnected with my bf he was legally married, although he had been separated for 6 years. When he returned we had a great reunion but then he was distant. I felt that we were closer when he was in Afghanistan. He started to push me away too and told me that it was always to protect me. What I understand now is that he was having a hard time adjusting to being back from deployment and he knew it was going to be a long hard road.

At that time I pushed and he pulled away more. He actually waived his dwell time and went back to Afghanistan less then a year later. And again we were closer. During that time I realized I had to step back for my own mental health. He ended up having a breakdown and cut off all contact after he returned home. And it took months for him to contact me. When he did I had to take things slow just to protect me. So my advice to you would be to give him a little space. Check in with him every few days or once a week. I asked my bf at one time that when he is ready to give his all to someone to give me first dibbs :) maybe you can take that approach. I know it's hard but take care of yourself first.

 

[lisalisa46410]

Thanks, Kkdawn. It's hard but I think I do just have to give him his space and time and have faith that in the end we will be together.

How are things now with your bf?

 

[nursenurse]

Red flags with him dating other women. Bad behaviour, he isn't working on himself, but on other partners. Be very, very careful. Deal breaker for me. Do you want to be second choice??? However, if you are both clear about seeing other people, and you aren't waiting by the phone for him, and seeing other folks too, by all means, go ahead. You need to continue your life as if he isn't there. Because he isn't.

 

[lisalisa46410]

Nursenurse - I don't want to be second choice and expressed to him that I didn't like that he even expressed interest in other people. He explained to me that he isn't looking for a relationship with anybody else but needs some time between his divorce and he and I moving in together. Part of me can see his point and part of me is so frustrated and hurt over it.

I'm afraid that if I start living my life as if he isn't there that our chances for a future will be ruined.

 

[nursenurse]

It won't be. if it is meant to be, it will happen. You can't put your life on hold while he is out there exploring other relationships with other women. he wants his cake and eat ti too, in my opinion. What he is doing to you is so very hurtful on so many levels. If he isn't looking for anyone else, why was he seen in church with someone he expressed interest in?

He could also decide that you aren't it for him. I think he should take time before moving in and committing to another relationship, that is so true. You said he told you you he wanted to talk with and possibly date other people that he knew... that is exactly what you should do too. If he returns, then all is well. if he doesn't, then you haven't wasted time just waiting for that phonecall that never comes, like when we were teenagers. You are special, and worthwhile. Treat yourself that way, and the world will see that. including him.