Trying To Figure Out Life After Ecstasy (combat)

[Animal1]

Thank you all for your input.
I have been processing with my wife a lot. I am going to tackle one item at a time. The first and most annoying recently is the fact that I am not in the shape I was when I was in. I am going to tackle a few milestones that I was proud. The first is the 25 mile hump with a ruck sack on. So I am training for that. It feels good to have a requirement to train hanging over me again. I am going to do it in April on my birthday. The other one is my PFT score. I want to beat it again. I think having exceeded my past fitness peaks will put me at ease that I am not living in the shadow of my enlistment. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[Ned]

Phys targets are good, just don't knack your knees in.

 

[Jimmy1]

Most vets suffering depression lock themselves away and put on weight. The depression and anxiety keeps them indoors. It took me 4 years to get. Back to exercising regularly. It produces endorphins which as you all should know are a natural antidepressant. A great goal mate

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey, lets all just chill out.

Animal, I will speak for myself first, but I am sure I speak for more.

I am not proud of killing anyone and I know many an infantry soldier who have pulled the trigger who are not proud either. In fact, that guilt has chewed them up and left them as shells of their former selves. Like myself. Regardless of whether it was an order or defending someone, or even by accident, taking a life is not fun.

To openly say you want to get back to the killing and death is pretty sad. I would like to think that you would like to be back in an environment where you can trust the guy next to you, and everything is black and white. All military uniformity.

If you truly want to get back to killing and death then this may not be the forum for you.

Just be aware of that when posting mate, otherwise you will strike a raw nerve.

 

[daniel]

I display my anger. I aint chasing down your unit. As I see it all you really are doing is cruising for your stressor. After all these years when my anniversary date nears i can go looking for a couple hours or walk the whole 15 months of my tour. Glad you had the balls to come back and confront me. And am real glad I got you to show some real emotion versus the "i want to kill bullshit you posted." don't matter whether you like my brand of communication. I got you to react - bang bang you're dead I drew you into the open . . .

finally, and then i will let this matter go. private messages don't allow file uploads. i am/was prepared to give you a map leading right to my front door. you could play that out anyway you wanted if your rage over my words consume you. i am not afraid of death and have had my ass whipped on more than one occassion in life. i am no stranger to violence.

 

[daniel]

Hey, lets all just chill out.

nothing gets resolved with ptsd by just chilling out . . .

 

[Jimmy1]

nothing gets resolved with ptsd by just chilling out . . .

Daniel, its a case of have to.
You don't have to tell me that things will just resolve themselves by chilling out but there are more than two people here. Nearly everyone on this site has anger issues, not just you, and its the site creator and moderator who won't stand for a personal slinging match, as it disrupts the rest of the guys here.

I appreciate your input though mate and look forward to more of your input, but one of the rules here is to not make it personal.

After reading the posts over and over again I can see both sides.

 

[Animal1]

I want to clarify.
I was very low at the time of my first post. I was wanting to go back to find what was familiar in an effort to figure it out. Sometimes opposite desires are pulling me.
Daniel, you said in your intro post that you struggle with homicidal ideation. I wasn't even talking about something as personal as that.

I will edit my first post so it doesn't cause misunderstanding.

 

[Animal1]

Can't edit it.

 

[daniel]

Can't edit it.

let it go brother, it is what it is and it don't mean nothin' besides i'm the only asshole who jumped your shit. if it is any consolation i believe you now. sorry my few negative posts overshadowed those i was reaching out to you in. semper fidelis mac, i got your six . . .

 

[Animal1]

Cool...
What do you mean by "cruising for my stressor"?

 

[daniel]

Sometimes without realizing it we start looking to go back in time to those moments in the zone. Look at your writing, there is an underlying need to connect with that which you miss . . If you have a ptsd diagnosis, there must be a specific stressor that keeps your mind going back. sans you go cruising. without even thinking or i should say being conscious of it, i personally start looking for a connection to the moment when the guy got his legs blown off in front of me. it always starts near the month/day and the duration depends on my mind. could be a couple hours, a passing thought or in some cases goes on for more than a year. then it just fades again. for me it is as if, if i can go back to that moment just before the event somehow i could prevent it and cease to be plagued by it.