Childhood Trying To Forgive And Not Leave Myself Open To More Harm

[Willow Tufts]

So I'm at an impass. I am 20 years old and I have had PTSD for 6 years. I didn't knkw that I had it untill about a year ago. So for 5 years I fought against every bit of it. Pretending that I was fine. Internalizing every bit of anger and hurt and betrayal that I felt. But now that I know what I'm deeling with and trying to work with the PTSD and not against it, I have come to an impass. My dad is a drunk that shows great love and care to me 99% of the time, but that 1% is the time where he gets angry. He had pulled a gun on me and tryed to hit me with a truck afyer kicking me down the stairs, and that is one of the sources of my PTSD.
I am by nature a very forgiving person. I have tryed and tryed to forgive him, and I can honstly say that I have. But when I see him, I get triggered. Its like I'm small again. Its like I am back into the debilitating confusion of a 14 year old girl who feels so deeply betrayed by her daddy that normally loves and dotes on her to no end. But instead he is hurting her and screaming horrible things at her. That betrayal was worse than any beating that I could have recieved.
So after another insident with him, I made the choice about 9 months ago to not see or speak to him. But after a long time, and a lot of healing, I simply feel horrid. I am very aware that I shouldn't feel bad about taking care of myself but I feel like I'm not sharing Gods love with my dad like I should by not seeing him. I could be driving him to drink more. Or he could drive and die and I would feel horrible for not speaking to him. But if I see him, he makes my life so much worse. I am never comfortable or safe feeling. I am always worried and on edge. And I get angry so so so fast.

Guys, I don't know if you can help me, but I have such a large internal dichotomy. I feel like I'm being split in half.

Blessings to all of you ♡

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Hi Willow Tufts,
On my journey through forgiveness, one therapist told me that just because I've forgiven doesn't mean I have to forget what was done. If fact, remembering what was done to me keeps me safe from it happening again. I steer clear of those types of people and/or behaviors I see exhibited.

Forgiveness is a lot like working through grief with stages which can be triggered by seeing the very person or things which caused the grief to begin. Or in forgiveness the person and situation which I associate with the abuse. In that moment I've got an opportunity to forgive that person all over again.

My father committed heinous criminal acts and forced me to watch. I've forgiven him. At the same time, he and I spent some special moments together. He had a love for the ocean and taught me about his love. He'd take me on adventures. I remember both good and the bad. It used to feel like a love/hate relationship. I no longer feel that way. It's more a neutral feeling.

I don't know if this makes any sense or helps you any.

 

[purpleswirled]

Hi Willow Tufts,
On my journey through forgiveness, one therapist told me that just because I've for...

Incongruous i am sttruggling with this also. i dont want to hijack the thread but i just feel so torn inside at the moment

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I made the choice about 9 months ago to not see or speak to him. But after a long time... I simply feel horrid.

I went "no contact" with my whole family of origin in 1988 because they were abusive. That was the hardest thing I ever did in my healing journey. I went through many feelings about it over the next ten to fifteen years until I finally accepted that it was the healthiest choice I could make. I haven't looked back now and wanted that relationship. I know it's no longer possible. I learned that some people are just simply poisonous to me and my mental/emotional/physical health and I have to cut the ties.