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Trying To Get Back Into Myself

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intheprocess

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I am having a very difficult time being present. It's like I am not here in 2015. It's embarrassing when dealing with others. I am forgetful and can't even add correctly. Recently I was pretty bad depression-wise and my counselor is having me email her every day to check in. She's aware of my not being present and says she hopes part of me will help the little girl part to not feel suicidal, or almost to that point. Sorry this is jumbled. Any tips?
 
Do something deliberate every single day.

This is a spin off from when I'm doing well (do something fun every single day)...Which helps keep me in balance.

Realized part of that (aside from rampant hedonism ;) ) is that I can look back and think Thursday was this, Friday was that, etc. No matter how bad the day was, or how normal, or how boring, etc... Having something fun each day lets me log the day with a handle to grab onto.

Something Deliberate... Means it doesn't have to be fun. It simply has to be something I choose to do, instead of end up doing. So I may choose to watch a movie. Or choose to make a phone call. Or choose to cook something, or go for a walk, or draw something... Whatever it is, is something that doesn't get lost in the wash. Something that is out of the ordinary, even if it's an ordinary thing.

Patterns, routines, and repetition are very important to me. They keep me doing the thugs I need to be doing even if my mind is elsewhere. But deliberate deviating from the patterns? Are equally important. (To the point that they become patterns themselves). Today may be drawing. That's my deviation. Tomorrow, also. But once I'm drawing every day? I need to find a new deviation. Something that marks that day as different. I can still draw every day. It's a good thing when a thing becomes part of the pattern. I simply also need a handle for the day.
 
I agree with what @FridayJones has said, but you may need to go even more basic. When I was at my worst (and this sounds really stupid basic), a calendar is what was needed. Don't get tied up in knots over buying the right one - you can easily print a week or month one off the computer. (I say this because I can agonize for weeks over which calendar to buy - wall, pocket, lines, no lines... crap, the world will end if I don't get the right one) .

Take a breath - print out your week or month calendar and start to write what your appointment are. Then maybe start to add the what you did, what you might want to do. Get grounded into the "normal" time/space that everyone else is operating under - this really does help.

Also - recognized that being what I called "untethered" (or lost in terms of time and space) has it's purpose - but you have a choice whether or not you want to stay there....getting out of there is not easy but there are lifelines...the choice is whether or not you want to take them (and I am in no way judging those who chose not to - I have in the past and may in the future - floating in nowhere has its advantages).
 
A choice. Making a choice is a deliberate act. Recognizing that what you do in a day can be a choice.
Brush my teeth
Eat Fruit Loops
(maybe reverse the order of those two)
Reach out on this forum
Do the dishes

These are all choices. Recognizing that we are making a choice to do anything in a day can be totally grounding. It is a here and now thing. Sometimes we forget that we are making choices every day.
 
Sensory stuff helps me, like music or certain sounds...especially creating them myself of having some good headphones. Or photography and noticing really little details in nature. I can get into my own bubble here, too, but at least I feel more present. Going for a walk helps too. Or exercise that is not frenzied, but mindful, like yoga, tai chi, Pilates. I'll take classes or lessons if they are small and usually enjoy that very much.

My animals help me keep very present as well, because that's where they live. Not sure if you have pets or even like them, but I know most animal shelters need volunteers to walk their dogs. Dogs are great for keeping me present. Sure it doesn't last all day...but I do need to actively find ways to help myself out of shutdown. Helps with the depression too.
 
Back in your body is a fundamental decision that your body is "safe"... then it is a systematic scan of what you can feel and what you can't. Learn and practice grounding and nurture your body. Care for it as it provides for you. Sensory things that appeal to each of the senses should be incorporated. If you have an issue report it back.
 
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