Trying to get my life together

[survivorocean10]

I feel extremely angry pretty much all day today. I was more or less the same yesterday. I feel like screaming.

I had bad experiences with my Ts. Two of my last 2 Ts were rude and ignorant jerks who seemed to make fun of me. Just remembering that makes me extremely angry. That was months ago, and I shouldn't be feeling like that right now.

I've been having constant negative memories of those Ts, and I get angry by remembering that.

 

[survivorocean10]

My stupid narcissistic older brother once again scolded me and my mom for having breakfast late. He doesn't show any sign of appreciation to my. He has bullied my all of my life, and even threatened me to harm me physically back in october.

It's nothing new, but his g0dd4amn comment triggered my anger.

If I had the money, I would move and I wouldn't talk to him ever again. But that's the issue, I don't have any money and I can't hold a steady job that lets me earn enough to pay rent.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I feel extremely angry pretty much all day today. I was more or less the same yesterday. I feel like screaming.

I had bad experiences with my Ts. Two of my last 2 Ts were rude and ignorant jerks who seemed to make fun of me. Just remembering that makes me extremely angry. That was months ago, and I shouldn't be feeling like that right now.

I've been having constant negative memories of those Ts, and I get angry by remembering that.

I heard it can be very hard to find a good T. Sorry for your experience.
Do you have anything to do to get the pent up feeling out?

 

[survivorocean10]

I've been way too angry and tense the last 3 or 4 days. I've had trouble at work, and my client and a co-worker have been complaining about my work at doing web dev. My incompentent co-worker has pretty much been harassing me via chat to fix a problem that she herself should be able to fix on her own. I'm normally angry most of the days most of the day during the past 10 years, but now I'm feeling line I want to start yelling. I'm so f*cking p*issed right now.

I deeply hate most people, and right now, I deeply hate life, and I deeply hate others. I've felt hatred towards my life and towards others in general, but this week has been atrocious.

As if that weren't enough, I've had negative memories of my last 3 Ts. They disrespected me and treated me so poorly that I feel nothing but hatred and contempt towards them. I've paid a ton of money (thanks to my mom. I didn't have any money for T) to them, and now I feel worse than what I already was. How can people spend so much time and money in T is beyond me...

I have constantly been involuntarily remembering all the disrespectful and idiotic and ignorany comments that my 3 last Ts made about me, and I feel horrible. I don't know if the fact that I constantly remember those negative memories involuntarily may be partly because of my autism.

I've been reading The 6 pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden (Amazon.com) (one of the 3 only Ts I respect), and it has helped me a bit. I realize that my self-esteem is dangerously low. However, reading the book made me rememeber tons of negative memories, and I realized how poorly I've been treated in my life. So, reading that book may be making me feel worse given my recent issues at work. So, I may stop reading the book for a few days.

Also, I moved from my home country to the Canary Islands, Spain, and I hate it. Objectively speaking, the Canary Islands is WAY better than my home country, and I prefer being there than dying at the hands of a mugger or from starvation in my home country. But I deeply hate spanish culture, particularly, the culture in the Canary Islands. People are rude, sarcastic, envious, and they are mediocre or incompetent at their jobs (with very few exceptions). That may explain the sheer incompetence and rudeness of my lst 3 Ts: they are from here from the Canary Islands. My other Ts from my home country weren't any better though. The guys that all sorts of irrational beliefs, and were completely disconencted from reality.

I've been living 8 years in the Canary Islands, and I still feel hatred for it and its culture. It's still better than my home country though.

In summary, I still deeply hate my life, I've had anger from issues at work, and from negative memories from my Ts, and I needed to vent. Just writing all of this here made me to slightly calm down.

 

[Weemie]

Two of my last 2 Ts were rude and ignorant jerks

My stupid narcissistic older brother

My incompentent co-worker

I deeply hate most people

dying at the hands of a mugger or from starvation

I deeply hate spanish culture

People are rude, sarcastic, envious, and they are mediocre or incompetent

My other Ts from my home country weren't any better

Given the pervasiveness of these statements it very much sounds like you would benefit from behavioral maganement and distress tolerance techniques. If every single person around you everywhere you go is terrible, the likelihood that this is objective is very low.

More than likely it's an egosyntonic problem ("everyone is a piece of shit" instead of "I am the one with an anger problem.") Learning how to reframe these cognitive distortions will be of assistance to you. Because yes, many people are mediocre and shit, but it isn't helpful to take all of that in to yourself and lash out at others when they aren't doing anything wrong.

A coworker asking a question isn't being disrespectful or rude, but you immediately label them negatively and get angry at them, which leads me to believe that this happens frequently in all aspects of your life (which is why you identify that you hate literally everybody, all the time.)

I suspect you will also hate me, for pointing this out, but try and breathe through it. I'm not being rude or disrespectful, merely making an observation that I think could point you on the right path to feeling better in your day-to-day life.

 

[survivorocean10]

and lash out at others when they aren't doing anything wrong.

To whom did I lash out? Where did I say that I lashed out to anybody? Give me the evidence that I lashed out at somebody.

A coworker asking a question isn't being disrespectful or rude,

Did I say that my co-worker asking a question is what irritated me? Did I say that a co-worker asking a question is disrespectful or rude? Did you even know the exact thing that the co-worker told me for you to tell me this?

Everything you did thus far was speculate with no evidence., so everything you said thus far is a lie.

 

[survivorocean10]

Hey people, if you don't have anything smart to say, or you don't like what I say, just don't say anything. You help more by just staying quiet and leave.

 

[survivorocean10]

Given the pervasiveness of these statements it very much sounds like you would benefit from behavioral maganement and distress tolerance techniques. If every single person around you everywhere you go is terrible, the likelihood that this is objective is very low.

More than likely it's an egosyntonic problem ("everyone is a piece of shit" instead of "I am the one with an anger problem.") Learning how to reframe these cognitive distortions will be of assistance to you. Because yes, many people are mediocre and shit, but it isn't helpful to take all of that in to yourself and lash out at others when they aren't doing anything wrong.

A coworker asking a question isn't being disrespectful or rude, but you immediately label them negatively and get angry at them, which leads me to believe that this happens frequently in all aspects of your life (which is why you identify that you hate literally everybody, all the time.)

I suspect you will also hate me, for pointing this out, but try and breathe through it. I'm not being rude or disrespectful, merely making an observation that I think could point you on the right path to feeling better in your day-to-day life.

If you don't like what I said, then please just leave. I don't want to talk to you.

 

[survivorocean10]

Yay! I'm feeling worse than what I already was feeling! I'm even angrier now! I shouldn't have come here.

Thank you very much for some of the "smart and very intelligent" people in this forum thread. Instead of helping, now i'm feeling worse. How helpful are the comments of some people in here. If I wanted to feel worse, I could just done literally anything else instead of coming to this place.

 

[survivorocean10]

I heard it can be very hard to find a good T. Sorry for your experience.
Do you have anything to do to get the pent up feeling out?

Thank you for your comment. You're more considerate that some OTHER people in here.

Yeah. Some of the things that I do to calm down are :

- I listen to melancholic music.

- I write some stories using ChatGPT. Sometimes, writing romantic stories help me calm down.

- I start daydreaming and thinking about music and "furry" characters (anthropomorphic cartoon characters.)

- Sometimes, jsut remembering nostalgic things from my childhood helps me calm down.

- I have an app called Earkick, which is like a "therapy AI". It helps me track my mood. i realize that I don't feel horrible every day. I feel neutral and disatisfied most days, but not super angry. Seeing that my mood during the week isn't that bad helps me calm down.

But for real, thank you for being kind and listening. I've felt horrible my last 10 years of my life. The fact that you actually asked me a question and listened to me makes me feel in a better mood.

 

[Friday]

Mod Note

Hey people, if you don't have anything smart to say, or you don't like what I say, just don't say anything. You help more by just staying quiet and leave.

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[Weemie]

To whom did I lash out? Where did I say that I lashed out to anybody? Give me the evidence that I lashed out at somebody.

Did I say that my co-worker asking a question is what irritated me? Did I say that a co-worker asking a question is disrespectful or rude? Did you even know the exact thing that the co-worker told me for you to tell me this?

Everything you did thus far was speculate with no evidence., so everything you said thus far is a lie.

Thank you very much for some of the "smart and very intelligent" people in this forum thread.

You're more considerate that some OTHER people in here.

I'm not going to engage with these questions and comments because of this:

If you don't like what I said, then please just leave. I don't want to talk to you.

I'm not here to harass anybody or violate boundaries. This will be my last reply to you as you have clearly indicated you do not wish to speak with me.