Trying To Get Up, Could Use Some Understanding

[Leah123]

I had a flare up I guess you'd say on Sunday/Monday and it's lingering. Dredged up some painful memories, took them to therapy, was really struggling to get up, all the crying didn't help, just felt so out of sorts.

I feel really alone and hurt and upset and SO tired, like I could turn to stone if I stop. My therapist said something upsetting a couple days ago, and it just added to it and made me want to withdraw from her too because I can't handle the pain plus the complication of working through the thing she said right now, but so when I didn't reply to her, she seemed to think I wanted to cancel my appt. and backed away.

Help. I'm supposed to go cover a news story tonight and I can't deal with it. I'm too tired. My family are home sick, I'm working so hard at my main job (55h a week plus family commitments), that's my 2nd job and I want a career in it, so I don't want to turn down the freelance work last minute but I am not feeling well. I HATE PTSD or whatever this is. SO mad and so tired and tired of crying.

I don't want to say I let this get me down and make me miss something important but I can't seem to summon up the motivation to start and time's running out. It's hard.

I hate to think "too hard." That's not me. :( Nothing's too hard. But I want to rest. I want to not think for a while. I want to just be alone with this if no one can help me.

She says it's the PTSD making me feel disconnected. It was going to get better, than she said something hard and I got upset and I had to back off more because if I got into it with her, I'd be more upset, and didn't feel like I should make it worse. :(

I'm half tempted to quit therapy. It's very expensive and when she missteps, it creates its own drama for me. But the relationship is important to me, very very important. Just feeling really stressed lately, finances are tough (as usual) and life's a little stressful.

 

[WillyKat]

It saddens me to hear you're struggling. PTSD is physically exhausting. I often go backpacking and on a few occasions have gone for many, many miles w/o a break. But that kind of tired is nothing to PTSD; you feel defeated, hopeless, and like you've just been run over by three trucks.

But I think there is some silver lining here. You remembered something, and the ability to remember things, however painful, means that you're stronger. Whatever it is you're dealing with, it's the next challenge. There will likely be more.

So if it helps, try to see that you're mind's release of more crap is in fact a good thing, or at least a good sign, even though hour to hour its more hell.

 

[Leah123]

Yeah, that's my problem. I can get up and do things, but when I stop... sit down, think... I'm crying or leaden or upset again. I could deal with the challenge but not the upsetting thing my T said and I really don't feel like getting up anymore for work, and time is running down. I'm managing my regular job which just got busier and harder this week, and my family home sick and think I might be getting it, but I'm loathe to give up the freelance job tonight, yet... I just can't hardly will myself to get up.

 

[Leah123]

I just wrote my editor a message, asking if we could extend the deadline a week or if he wanted me to try for something this week, and let him know I was sorry that extra work and family demands had gotten the best of me. Told him I was willing to give up the assignment or turn it in at 1/2 my normal rate, sigh. It's not so much work and family as it is PTSD though. :( I'm going to bed.

 

[WillyKat]

Sounds like a wise move to me. Take care.

 

[Leah123]

I just have to remember, the way I feel makes perfect sense, and what I'm doing does too. Sometimes things seem convoluted, and that probably is because I'm stressed out and tired, and probably overworked, ha. I'm not more unreasonable, I'm just more beleaguered. I'm afraid to loose the very important freelance work but.... I'm having a hard time. I guess I just need to have extra self-compassion. It's ok to not win every battle. :(
I just hate to think I missed out on anything because of PTSD, like a failure to let it get to me so. :( I'm normally super-high functioning, I hold onto that. I usually push myself past the feelings when it's important/when I'm committed, but... I don't know, this one's getting by me.

I guess needing a sick day isn't so terrible though... mental health sick day. :(

 

[Leah123]

Am feeling out of sorts, would be glad to hear from anyone who can relate to any of this. Just feeling burnt out and exhausted and disconnected.

 

[BlueDream]

Hold on, you're not alone!!

 

[Ocean5]

PTSD is physically exhausting. I often go backpacking and on a few occasions have gone for many, many miles w/o a break. But that kind of tired is nothing to PTSD; you feel defeated, hopeless, and like you've just been run over by three trucks.

I use to walk or hike for hours everyday with no problems. PTSD flare-up..... uh....you are right it doesn't compare at all. Hit by a bus..or train more like it.

Told him I was willing to give up the assignment or turn it in at 1/2 my normal rate, sigh.

I've had to do same thing. I charge clients 1/2 to 3/4 of normal rate. What now takes me an hour - I bill at 1/2 hour. Because it takes me so much longer to do my work.......

 

[Leah123]

Thank you for sharing. It helps to know someone understands.

My dog passed away this morning. I think part of my deep upset was sensing something wrong. I knew she was ill, but the death was sudden. I work from home and she was my constant companion so it's really hard.

 

[WillyKat]

That sucks. So hard to lose a good companion.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your beloved pet/companion. I understand how difficult this is to go through and I hope for your healing and recovery.