Relationship Trying To Help My Fiancée... Failing.

[Owen44]

I don't know what to do anymore. I've searched everywhere, nobody has any answers. Sorry for the long post.

We met through a mutual friend, she was very flirtatious right off the bat. We started hooking up, and ended up dating. We spent every day together, and I came to realize that this beautiful girl was less than mentally stable. This didn't bother me, as I believed that I was truly in love. I caught her in several white lies, about weird random things, things so trivial that it didn't make sense. The lying became an issue, as I caught her doing it more and more. I generally didn't say anything because they were so small, but over time this lying has weakened my overall trust in her. She tells me of some of her past issues, that she was raped as a child, that her mother switched from partner to partner, that she has never met her real dad, that she has two men that she calls "father"

Time moved on, and more red flags came up. She claimed to see things, one time she walked to my apartment, ran into the bathroom, curled up on the floor and started breathing heavily. I went in, and she started telling me that a demon was following her... that he had left her alone for a while and that he was back now. This type of thing started happening more and more as well.

She told me about an ex boyfriend she had, that died in a car crash. The "Love of her life" she said. She told me about her ex-best friend that she severed ties with due to serious issues.

Nobody has ever met this ex boyfriend, not her family... not her friends... nobody. She claims that he was coming to see her when he died. Her family told me that she made him up for attention when she was little. I know that supporting somebody is about trust, but in this... I just can't believe her.

She reconnected with this ex best friend of hers. Crazy stuff these two. They fantasize about pretend worlds, and talk as if they are real TOGETHER.

Yet still, despite all of this... I stick with her. We move in together and I end up getting her pregnant, and all sexual contact between us ceases. She ends up having our child, a beautiful red headed girl. She then suffers from self-diagnosed postpartum. She barely gets out of bed, and I support her every step of the way.

We continue to not have sex, or sexual contact, for a year, during which she continuously claims it's the postpartum and I continuously accept it as a fact of life for the time being.

Around the time when our daughter is 9 months old her strange delusions stop (or at least I stop hearing about them?). She starts really caring for our daughter, to the point where she now does 90% of the things with her. We begin having sex, albeit not often. She begins seeing a therapist, and things seem to be on the up and up. She still lies frequently, but still only about little things (as far as I can tell).

I finally get a job, no longer worrying about the safety and well-being of my family if I leave for an hour. She continues to do well with our daughter, but once again. The sexual contact ceases, 5 months after it had resumed. She claims that her therapist has diagnosed her with PTSD from being raped as a child, this I GENUINELY believe. It makes a lot of sense.

Her lack of a male figure, her desire for attention even she has to make something up to get it, her lack of sexual contact, a lot of her issues could be contributed to PTSD... so I support her in this.

Time continues to move on. We end up losing a lot of money, and moving in with my parents. She stops seeing her therapist, claiming that the therapist dropped the ball too many times (In reality my fiancee just didn't show up to quite a few sessions in a row).

At this time (about 6 months or so after moving in with my parents). I began to become incredibly depressed. Nothing I seem to do helps the relationship issues, nobody seems to be able to help, other people start catching her in these small white lies, and even the occasional slightly bigger lie (Still nothing major). Friends and family from both sides come to me and tell me of the weird things that she does/says. My depression worsens, I begin getting sucked into video games, and simply... ignoring the issues.

Currently. It's been over a year since moving in with my parents. Our daughter is now two, and my fiancee has started seeing a therapist again as of three weeks ago. Our issues at home do not get any better.

I have no idea how to get the issues to stop, her lines between what is real and what isn't is so skewed that I am not even sure that she knows when she's telling the truth or not. I'm afraid that she has this therapist running around in circles, not even touching anything real. I don't know what to do, I have become so depressed, so apathetic, I've all but given up. I now spent an unheard of amount of time on various games, that I don't even enjoy... just to avoid my shitty life.

I love this girl. I love my daughter. But there is no escape! I want to be a better person, to not care about the lack of sex, to KNOW what to do when she lies to me... But I'm not. I've failed.

 

[Court]

Owen44 I don't think you have failed. I think your trying to do what you think is best.

My childhood was similar to hers but I have dealt with these things through lots of conseling. That start to life is a difficult one.

I think if she has the right therapist they will read between the lines and you have to hope for the best that her T is right for her.

I'm now a supporter to a combat ptsd soldier so things aren't quiet the same but being a supporter is hard actually harder than anything I have ever done.

I truly hope for your lil family she can find the help but maybe conseling would be good for you also. I do talk to a T and it helps more than I can express in words. I have learned sometimes we have to move on as much as we may not want to or fear failure. This forum has been a god send to me.

Remember we have to be in a good place ourselves to even be on board to help someone else. I wish you the best.

Court

 

[Phenioxrising]

Has she ever talked about being DID or what is was once called multiple personality.
If not she may be showing some signs of BPD or borderline personality dissorder. Trying to please you excessively. In any case it sounds as if you may want to be more open with her about her therapy. Maybe going to therapy with her. Also try to explain to her your issues with this as well as the fact that your daughter needs the safty from you.

 

[Owen44]

I forgot to mention that she claims to have bipolar, also that I've tried to be involved in her therapy... she's having none of that. She thinks that I'd use it somehow. I also think that a part of her knows how often she's lying, and she wants to continue to lie to this therapist. Make them believe things that aren't real. Maybe even lie about me? We fight a lot, and it's mostly due to really dumb things. She such a tiny grasp on reality that sometimes the things she says just come out of left field.

She told me the other day, that she doesn't know when I'm going to snap... and hit her, or rape her.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Honestly, I think you need to mention this to her T. It can be DID. But, DID people tent to have a better grasp on reality.

IMHO, it sounds as if your near the end of your rope on dealing with her. Also if she's not honest in T it isn't going to help her. She needs to be confronted about her lieing and come to grips on reality. Is she takeing her meds? If any? These can help but only if she takes them.

 

[DMerish]

Owen - I am truly sorry for your struggles with all of this. I hope your little girl is okay, that your parents are relatively healthy, and that you're able to seek professional help yourself around how to handle your depression and the situation in the future. I will attempt to attach a pdf file of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" It specifically deals with Borderline Personality Disorder, however, it's a great resource for folks who have people in their lives with personality disorders in general.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm going to be blunt. (Sufferer here, btw)

If mommy isn't living in reality, your daughter has a very tough path ahead of her.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like more than just PTSD. The lying. The delusions. If it is a personality disorder, then I wouldn't be surprised if she has her therapist snowed. (Saying this as someone who grew up with a disordered mother who was able to charm her way through therapy.) but a personality disorder wouldn't account for the delusions.

Anyway, she sounds like she needs a lot of help. Have you considered getting a therapist of your own?

I encourage you to remember to put your daughter first.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sorry you and your family are going through all of this Drew.

I don't know what to do, I have become so depressed, so apathetic, I've all but given up. I now spent an unheard of amount of time on various games, that I don't even enjoy... just to avoid my shitty life.

You need to take care of yourself before you worry about your fiancee. Who is going to take care of your beautiful redheaded daughter if you fall apart? There needs to be some kind of stability for her somewhere.

Good Luck.

 

[nursenurse]

You need help yourself, your health is suffering terribly and the biggest loser will be your child. She is way beyond PTSD and the usual support. You cannot do this on your own, as your words of suffering so clearly indicate. Find your own therapist, reach out for yourself, for your daughter's sake. Mental illness is the disease that is always swept under the carpet, but you do not have to suffer her illness with her in silence.

You are not a failure. You cannot fix this. She may not be able to fix this even with therapy. But you can fix yourself. Quit avoiding life. You chose to be with this girl, you have a daughter together. She needs an involved father who does not hide from a life that she did not choose for herself. Insist on therapy for your girlfriend and yourself, make therapy a non negotiable boundary in your relationship with her.

This is such a heartbreaking and almost untenable situation. You have to be prepared that you and your daughter may have to go it alone at some point. Arm yourself with as much knowledge and as much help in whatever form it may take to get you through this. I wish nothing but the best for all three of you, and your extended families.

 

[twopenny]

I agree, you're not a failure. I'm a sufferer and a supporter, (my hub has PTSD, and so do I (from different causes, not related)), and I genuinely can't decide which is harder to cope with.

I don't know enough about dissociation to be able to say anything educated on that (although I do dissociate, and have known about that for a long time). But it does sound like more than 'just' PTSD to me too.

I do remember at one point I had to sit down with hub and explain to him that just about the only non-negotiable in our life was that he get treatment. I wasn't involved / am not involved in that, and don't really want to be, but mainly because it's not really appropriate for us.

I do agree, though, that you need to get a therapist yourself. Untreated depression can be as much of a killer as untreated PTSD - you need to get some support of your own.

 

[Owen44]

Well. Looks like I am no longer a supporter.

I got home from work today, to a letter on the banister. It said that she was taking our child, and leaving. That she needed to break up with me, and that I should try to contact her to handle this like adults. She asked me to not do anything regarding the law, or have anybody try to talk to her on my behalf.

Then she blocked me on facebook, removed every other form of contact that I have with her. Her best friend changed her number, and I only know WHERE she is because I am friends with a neighbor of her friend, and he saw them enter her apartment.

I'm scared for my child's safety, this woman is not healthy, and downright dangerous. As a male, I have little to no rights, and I need to prove paternity before I can even do ANYTHING. This takes time, time that my daughter might not have.

 

[nursenurse]

Then find out everything you can and do what you have to do. Get a lawyer, legal aid if you have to, whatever it takes. Right now your child is the most important consideration. You must put the law on your side. Do you have some sort of child protective services there? I would think they would investigate regardless if you made a complaint. They are supposed to advocate for the child. I wish you the best of luck.