Trying To Hold On Just A Little Bit Longer...

[Momofthree]

I'm posting this in here because I have no clue where else to post it. Over the past two weeks I've been having increased panic attacks, vivid nightmares, night terrors where I wake up in cold sweats, several flashbacks a day, depression, suicidal ideation (first thought that pops into my head every morning for the past two weeks has been "If I only had a gun, shooting myself in the head would be so much easier then getting out of bed.") I have a 5pg paper for my English 102 class due at midnight tonight, I've only written one page and I can't focus long enough to write more, I'm stressed and worried about failing the class again ( I was 2 points shy of a C last time I took it and I need a C to pass). My best friend and her husband and my partner are coming over for dinner tonight (something we do every Sunday night as kind of a double date) and I'm stressed about that even though I know they don't expect me to 'preform' or be a good hostess. Even if I told them I couldn't handle having them here they would come anyway just to sit with me so I won't be alone. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I feel it coming and know it's inevitable, I'm just hoping to hold on for just a little bit longer because as I'm sure most of you know they really suck! I just don't know how much longer I can hold on...

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Aren't you putting a little too much strain on yourself?

You are more important than getting that C. I understand you want to pass, but your own mental health is the priority here. I used to put my studies and my grades above myself. And then I collapsed. Because (although our avatars would make it seem otherwise), we aren't Supermen and Superwomen (well we are, in a sense).

 

[Momofthree]

The issue with school is that it is VARY important that I pass, I can only take the class twice, I need to pass the class because it's a pre-requisite for my major, and I'm using my GI Bill which requires that I'm in school full time and if I take a semester off I'll loose the $1000 monthly stipend that I rely on to pay the bill. I'm not trying to poo poo what you are saying, I know my health comes first, I just wish I could get though this class and then have my breakdown afterword (during the two week brake between terms). I really wish there was some convenient way to schedule these things :depressed:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Allright. That looks like a complicated situation.. and a bit of a burden. It sounds like you're going to have to choose between priorities.
If the priority is study, then can you cancel some of the other things going on in your live? Also, if the priority is to study, maybe you can try some methods to get yourself to relax. Only when you are feeling calm and have enough space you'll be able to focus on the class.

I know back when I was in a similar situation, all I did was panic and think "oh my God I'm not gonna make it, but I have to, I have to", and then I would get really anxious and lose the focus all together. Try not to listen to thoughts like these if you are having them. Just give them a gentle shove ;) They can't tell you what to do.

 

[Em C.]

Can you talk to acadeic counselling and get extensions for assignments? My school considers me disabled so I can get extra time (within limits) if I need it.

Good luck!

 

[Momofthree]

Yes! That's exactly the downward spiral my thoughts go into, I can't focus but I HAVE to get it done! So I panic and then it only gets worse... there isn't a whole lot I can get rid of in life but I can text my partner and ask him to cook dinner tonight, then when my friends get hear my best friend can help me on the paper while her husband distract/ entertains the kids... also if I don't get it done today but do get it done by midnight tomorrow it's only a 5pt deduction for turning it in late. That will get me through the day/ school stress but the flashback and other stuff are only aggravated by school stress not caused by it and I still feel like a complete break is inevitable.

 

[Momofthree]

I have an awesome support system... I just need to let them help... problem is I feel guilty for relying on them so much.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I bet they're glad to help you, for one because they care about you, and second because you seem like a responsible person and care about paying the bill :)

 

[Momofthree]

I just need to melt down for a second:
I'm a single mom of three kids (8,6, and 3) who has soul custody and gets NO child support money
I am a home owner (a blessing to have somewhere to live but owning a home has it's own set of stresses)
I'm going to school full time online
I volunteer once a week ( I plan on getting into the non-profit world when I'm done with school so I need volunteer hours)
I have a partner of 7 months now and our relationship progressing toward marriage (also a blessing but stressful)
I've been working on healing pretty intensely which is good but as we all know it gets worse before it gets better
It feels like every time I turn around the state is requiring more paperwork to prove I need government assistance (something I don't even want to be on but I have no choice until my daughter (3yrs) starts school and I can pick up a part time job)
I have debt collectors calling because even thought I'm doing all that I can my ex left me with a massive amount of debt ($50,000)
My plate is beyond full and I juggle my priories best I can, but sometimes I drop a ball and that sucks :cry:

 

[catjudo]

I have an awesome support system... I just need to let them help... problem is I feel guilty for relying on them so much.

I know this feeling. I live this feeling. I have a great friend who has offered many times over the years to help with my daughter (now 10 years old) when things get to be too much for me. Even though I knew her offer was genuine and sincere I could never bring myself to ask for her help when I needed it...until recently.

I recently went through a very lengthy severe depressive episode. I was also having horrific nightmares, trouble sleeping and only with a light left on in the room, etc. and ultimately very suicidal. She happened to call me one day when I wasn't doing well and I'm not really sure what I said to her but she could tell that I wasn't in a good place. She and her husband gently pushed me to let my psychiatrist know that I needed more help and fast. They pushed me to be willing to be hospitalized and reassured me that they would take care of my daughter for me and everything would be okay. For the first time I accepted their help. They took care of my daughter for almost 3 weeks while I was hospitalized. It wasn't easy for anyone but my daughter was well cared for and I was able to get the help I needed. I feel better than I have in a long time. And here's the thing...I still feel a little bad that they had to take care of my daughter for me but I can see that they really didn't mind, almost enjoyed it to a certain degree. Life was chaotic for them (they have two boys of their own) but they made it work and they were so kind and loving about the whole situation. It didn't damage our friendship as I had many times worried it would. If anything, it may have brought us even closer together (if that's possible).

I'm not trying to say that you have to go in the hospital. And I understand the stresses you're under and some of those are things that you can't just set aside or postpone. But you can allow your friends to help you and try to set aside the guilt. At the very least, allow them to help you and tell yourself that when you're feeling better and thinking more rationally you will at least feel less guilty about asking them for help. I am very aware that this is an easier said than done kind of thing. But I want you to know I was in that same position and letting my friends help me wasn't nearly as bad as I had let myself think it would be.

 

[Momofthree]

Thank you @catjudo that actually helps a lot, just knowing I'm not the only one.

 

[Momofthree]

My partner made dinner for all 8 of us! My best friend helped motivate me to write my paper and edited it for me! and her husband kept all 4 (my three and their one) kids out of my hair and entertained!! I got the paper turned in with three hours to spare! Time to relax!! Thank you all for your support.