Liondagger
New Here
Hi. Brand new here.
I'm involved in a long distance relationship with someone recently diagnosed with and getting counseling for PTSD stemming from a childhood trauma. It began as a friendship... electronic pen pals that evolved over time into something much more intimate. We have varied interests, but a shared view of the world and our place in it. Neither of us ever considered ourselves the romantic sort... until now. We are most assuredly in love... even though we've never met (and I know how ridiculous that sounds).
I was always aware of his past trauma. I too have a history of childhood sexual abuse, though my experience was tame compared to his. And so I know he places an enormous amount of trust in me. He would go through spells of distancing... sometimes anger and distrust. I never prodded or pried. But sometimes I wondered if he wanted me to ask. So if I did ask questions, I let him know he was under no pressure to give an answer. It was only after a panic spell about two months ago that he finally spoke to a professional who he's working with now.
In retrospect, his diagnosis has helped me reevaluate certain situations from a new perspective. As I said, we're physically separated (by a whole continent). There were a handful of times when, from my eyes, it would have been possible to meet. But he either avoided mentioning he was in town for work (and I only discovered the truth later) or there was (from my perspective) some elaborate reason why he couldn't give me five minutes of his time. These boards have been very helpful and I now have a firmer grasp on the detachment/distancing/avoidance thing that is symptomatic of someone suffering from PTSD.
Time has moved forward and he's about to find himself back in town (moving for work, not for me). We've talked about what that means for us, and we've both been (seemingly, anyway) very, very excited at the prospects for our future. But of course, along with probably the stress of that ultimate first encounter (even though I've made it abundantly clear that we only do what we're both in the right mindset to do -- I mostly just want to hold him), he's dealing with confronting the memories of his attack that apparently comes with first talking to a therapist (the nightmares, the numbness, the panic, the sense of loss of control, the guilt, etc.), facing his demons before he tackles them.
Which brings me to today... After being incredibly loving and engaging over the weekend, yesterday he went back to having a "bad day" and I can't help but think it has something to do with the fact that he's supposed to be in town next week, and it will become more difficult for him to completely avoid me. I'm steeling myself for his telling me that we need to end this relationship. Is that selfish of me?
I know it's not him, it's the sickness inside him that makes him distrustful, no matter how genuine I am. But I know this is HIS path, and I can't fix him. But I want to be there for him as he walks this path. He knows I'm there to listen. He knows I'll accept his need for space. He knows he has my hand to hold during the scary parts. He didn't choose this. And while I would never choose this for him, it comes with the package.
I love him dearly. Not because he's a victim. Not because he's in need. But because he is someone whose jagged edges FITS in random curves of my heart. When he isn't confronting all this stuff, we are magic together. We both feel we've found our soulmate.
I'm just at a loss as to what to do if he decides to turn me away. Do I accept it? Do I oppose it? How do I know if his shunning me is one of his symptoms? Or part of his path for healing?
I'm involved in a long distance relationship with someone recently diagnosed with and getting counseling for PTSD stemming from a childhood trauma. It began as a friendship... electronic pen pals that evolved over time into something much more intimate. We have varied interests, but a shared view of the world and our place in it. Neither of us ever considered ourselves the romantic sort... until now. We are most assuredly in love... even though we've never met (and I know how ridiculous that sounds).
I was always aware of his past trauma. I too have a history of childhood sexual abuse, though my experience was tame compared to his. And so I know he places an enormous amount of trust in me. He would go through spells of distancing... sometimes anger and distrust. I never prodded or pried. But sometimes I wondered if he wanted me to ask. So if I did ask questions, I let him know he was under no pressure to give an answer. It was only after a panic spell about two months ago that he finally spoke to a professional who he's working with now.
In retrospect, his diagnosis has helped me reevaluate certain situations from a new perspective. As I said, we're physically separated (by a whole continent). There were a handful of times when, from my eyes, it would have been possible to meet. But he either avoided mentioning he was in town for work (and I only discovered the truth later) or there was (from my perspective) some elaborate reason why he couldn't give me five minutes of his time. These boards have been very helpful and I now have a firmer grasp on the detachment/distancing/avoidance thing that is symptomatic of someone suffering from PTSD.
Time has moved forward and he's about to find himself back in town (moving for work, not for me). We've talked about what that means for us, and we've both been (seemingly, anyway) very, very excited at the prospects for our future. But of course, along with probably the stress of that ultimate first encounter (even though I've made it abundantly clear that we only do what we're both in the right mindset to do -- I mostly just want to hold him), he's dealing with confronting the memories of his attack that apparently comes with first talking to a therapist (the nightmares, the numbness, the panic, the sense of loss of control, the guilt, etc.), facing his demons before he tackles them.
Which brings me to today... After being incredibly loving and engaging over the weekend, yesterday he went back to having a "bad day" and I can't help but think it has something to do with the fact that he's supposed to be in town next week, and it will become more difficult for him to completely avoid me. I'm steeling myself for his telling me that we need to end this relationship. Is that selfish of me?
I know it's not him, it's the sickness inside him that makes him distrustful, no matter how genuine I am. But I know this is HIS path, and I can't fix him. But I want to be there for him as he walks this path. He knows I'm there to listen. He knows I'll accept his need for space. He knows he has my hand to hold during the scary parts. He didn't choose this. And while I would never choose this for him, it comes with the package.
I love him dearly. Not because he's a victim. Not because he's in need. But because he is someone whose jagged edges FITS in random curves of my heart. When he isn't confronting all this stuff, we are magic together. We both feel we've found our soulmate.
I'm just at a loss as to what to do if he decides to turn me away. Do I accept it? Do I oppose it? How do I know if his shunning me is one of his symptoms? Or part of his path for healing?
