Trying To Keep A Level Head

[GWhizz]

The past 6wks since I had a surgery to deal with a medical issue caused by a childhood trauma, I've been getting flashbacks of repressed memories of an event when I was 7, something I'd disassociated during and really buried the memory, unlike my trauma from age 11 which I clearly remember. I feel this trauma is really significant as it's causing me a lot of guilt. I feel like I should have learned from it to prevent further trauma when I was a few years older as I knew what my father was capable of. I feel like repressing it was somehow conscious but I know that's impossible. It still feels like a cop out though. During that particular event I sustained quite a few injuries which I was made lie about and in someways came to believe the lies. One of the injuries was that my 2 front teeth (which had only cut at that age) got chipped and so I got caps to fix them. Now today I was doing a lot of running about, baking meals for my baby etc and I somehow managed to clumsily (I'm super clumsy) bang a glass drinking bottle off my tooth and break a cap off. My partner jokingly said 'uugh that's so ugly'. I know he didn't mean it and he's apologising profusely but I feel shit right now. It's all just too much to handle, the memories of what actually happened etc. I just want it to be over. I don't want it to be true. I wish it was true that I just did fall and not use my hands to stop me falling but that's not what happened. I've posted about this recently - in particular, that I haven't yet brought this event up with my T. I'm so worried (illogically maybe) that she's going to get mad that I only said the abuse happened from age 11. I'm just a mess right now so not sure if this makes any sense. I guess I'm just looking for some affirmations that things will be okay and that I'm not a piece of crap

 

[Laura 2]

First off, @GWhizz I hope your tooth isn't painful and that you can get into the dentist asap.

Seems to me that therapists of all people will understand that, as time and therapy go on, further memories will surface. She should be nothing but compassionate and understanding and should know how to welcome your new information into the therapy picture so that it can be processed too. (If not, fire her!!)

BTW, I know that I consciously repress lots of memories. I do so to protect myself so that I can actually get up in the morning and do basic normal stuff. Otherwise, I just couldn't handle living.
I also repress or suppress memories when I speak with therapists etc. because I know from bitter experience that each different therapist/psych will latch onto something THEY find interesting and it will mostly become about their particular bee-in-the-bonnet. So I wait until they have the big picture history and introduce details as and when I feel it's appropriate and/or safe.

I do not feel guilty at all about doing this. It's absolutely necessary AFAIC to preserve my safety and control. Your therapist should understand these things too. IMHO.

 

[Bravo06]

I to struggle with past memories that are troubling to say the least. I'v talked to a few therapists and have fired some too. (Its your life and story! If they are not helping and making you feel like an awesome person, they are part of the problem.) I am actually in the process myself of finding a new one. ( The VA and me do not click after 4 years of the wrong stuff.) And I have just figured out that I have IBS along with my ptsd and incontinence. We can only play the cards we are given. I hope you find a great therapist or make it happen with the one you have. You and everyone with issues like me deserve nothing less!
Keep on keepen on.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks guys. @Laura 2 - I should get a dental appt in the morning hopefully.

My therapist is brilliant, I really have started to trust her but I still find it so hard and shameful discussing anything. I feel really disconnected from a lot of it, as in my thoughts and emotions just don't match up. So if I'm not a crumbling mess and don't cry about everything I'm afraid it looks like it doesn't affect me or wasn't that bad. I just feel numb to it all but it's really tormenting me at the same time. Like last night my partner had to wake me from a nightmare as I was freaking out and it was this memory in particular, though it's still really fragmented. It's so confusing. Sometimes it doesn't seem real, like I don't know what to feel. It's almost half a lifetime since it happened so I guess I feel like I should be 'over it' or something by now. Grrr this is really frustrating

 

[Laura 2]

If they are not helping and making you feel like an awesome person, they are part of the problem.

Ace summation! This is well-quotable! Thank you.

So if I'm not a crumbling mess and don't cry about everything I'm afraid it looks like it doesn't affect me or wasn't that bad. I just feel numb to it all but it's really tormenting me at the same time.

And I think you just summed me up there too, GWhizz! Spot on. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have amnesia and a lot of blank spots in my life but I certainly remember the branding experiences and have dealt with them. I am so glad you are going to the dentist to get your tooth fixed. It is unfortunate that your husband made a joke at your expense, it must have really hurt you.

You are innocent and the abuse you endured and suffered is not your choice, not your fault.

I wish you the best in your healing and recovery. Keep on fighting for your peace of mind and well being.

 

[GWhizz]

@gizmo thank you. It was upsetting in the moment but he has a silly dry sense of humour so I knew once I was more rational it was nothing personal, he just doesn't think sometimes before he talks, meh!

I have emailed my T about the fact that I need to bring this memory up so that I don't avoid it when I'm there next week! She is very sensitive about it all. Last week she told me that she really thinks I have this innocence and purity about me. But I could not agree with her. Changing your thought pattern and trying to let go of the guilt is so difficult. I don't know if it's a control thing but I just don't seem able to let go of the shame of it all.

I'm really glad you found a way to deal with the blank spots. Not having a full recollection of things is very hard I think as it gives way to more personal guilt when you don't know what you did or didn't do in the situation

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you. I wasted far too many years of my life hating and blaming myself and carrying the shame and false guilt and I had so many illusions that shattered completely and it was really rough.

But a very good friend told me something and a light turned on inside of me and I chose to really get rid of all of all this on my own shoulders when it was not my fault and I was innocent.

I have peace of mind regarding the blank spots and the amnesia. It may all change and I may get some recall and I will deal with it. But for now I consider it a mixed blessing. I know I survived so much. I also know that I am a very strong person and will deal with the cards life has to hand to me.

I do not worry about what I do not remember. I have worked so hard on my healing process and am just now beginning to reap the benefits of it. I do not have any guilt at all. I have worked through so much and had EMDR which changed my life for the better. I am no longer haunted by the painful memories of all of my victimizations.

I was so afraid and terrified when I first started therapy. But I had hit rock bottom and knew my life was not working and I was always so angry. I knew I needed help and that I was a victim.

I have handed back to all of my abusers the bad feelings of self hate etc back on them and have an understanding that I was not aware of for so many years. I am just so sorry I wasted so many years carrying all of that. I will play the cards that life will deal to me. I am fifty nine and have come such a long way.

We are all so fragile. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am glad you have such a supportive husband. I guess I just assumed he hurt you.

 

[GWhizz]

@gizmo thank you for sharing all of this. It is great to hear it from someone who's come through it and that you feel so positive now. I know it's not good to hold onto it all and that it's only causing me more anger etc. I've only been in therapy since December though so I guess it will take time. I agree it's not good to waste anymore time self-hating but it's a self-battle right now. I actually said that in my email to my T - that I really hope I can stop fighting myself and so I maybe will stop fighting her.

He did upset me in the moment but he is an amazing guy and has been so supportive of me since I began therapy. Even though after over 6 years together, I have not been able to disclose the sexual abuse to him. My T is the 1st person I told and I didn't even bring it up, she asked and I just couldn't even answer then she knew from my reaction. So I guess I never actually intended to even deal with it, that's how avoidant and in denial I have been. I'm 28 and the last abuse happened at 15 so it's half a lifetime to me now. Though they were such important years of my life and I feel I'd no childhood. I was lucky that I got away and moved in with a friend at 15. I guess I feel bad I've waited so long to deal with it, stupid for letting it have so much power over me this long. But from what I read the average person takes about 15years before they do speak out about sexual abuse. It's bewildering to me that it's taken me this long to begin to process it but I am glad in someways that having my baby triggered things so that I finally begin to deal with things and hopefully can then move on and not let it have such a hold over me anymore

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It takes a lot of practice to catch myself now when I tend to go negative on myself. Now I am trying to replace a negative with a positive which I find very hard at the moment.

I also think it takes so many years to break the silence and speak out about the secrets we have been keeping to protect our abusers. I think I will always be working on this one. Now it is more about managing symptoms.

It is the self doubt and second guessing myself which is a problem for me that I am working on now.