Trying To Learn To Connect With Someone Again

[Mindiface85]

I've been working lately on really learning who I am again. I've spent so many years hiding and tweaking myself to be what I thought I should be, that I really don't feel like I know myself anymore.

Anyways, I've been assaulted more than once. Problem is, I never dealt with it, and I let those experiences control me. I lost control on those occasions, and I never took it back.

Now I find myself with the most incredible friend I've ever known. Granted, we'd tried to be more, and I really would love to be more, but I need to work on myself and being able to live for myself before I can really share my life with another person.

I'm at the point now, in my recovery, where it's time to start actually doing things again. I've read a million bits of information, written out countless things on myself and my issues, face myself in the mirror daily, and have in place my grounding thoughts and even my motivation to keep going. It's time, now, to actually start applying everything to my life and start actually living again.

Does anyone have any ideas on things to actually do/try to get out of my shell and out in the world again? I'm still not entirely sure where my passions lie or what, in particular, I'd like to do, but I want to start experiencing life again. I want to try and prove to myself that even if I fail I can be strong enough to pick myself up and keep trying.

Also, I still very much want to be able to connect with my dear friend. I know he'd not only be there if I need help with anything, but that he'd absolutely love it if I'd put that trust in him to open up to him and come to him if I could use help/advice/etc.

I just don't know what to actually do!! It's like standing at the doorway wanting to get out of the house and realizing you have no idea what you actually want to do once you walk out that door. Has anyone else ever felt like that? Does anyone have any ideas? I'm trying to find ways to get out of my shell and not only do things for myself, but also work towards sharing it and actually really connecting with another person again.

It's not that I have no one in my life that cares, on the contrary, I'm fortunate enough to have not only my best friend, but also several others who genuinely seem to care. And I want so badly to be able to really open up, connect, and learn to share my life and be myself with someone else. I never realized why I felt so lonely until I realized that even though I have decent people in my life, I've always held myself back from them. I'm so tired of being lonely.

I really hope this makes sense. I just don't know what to do or how to connect. I have the greatest friend on my side still believing in me. I still have the chance to make that friendship even greater, possibly even still have the chance to someday turn it into more than friendship. I just have no idea exactly how or what to do and I want so badly to start living again and to really be able to trust and connect with someone else.

 

[Bilby]

Maybe start at the absolute basics, for example going out to a cafe to have a coffee, or going out for lunch or dinner, or even a movie.

Those small things will engage you socially - with whoever you are with, but also others around you, e.g. cafe/restaurant staff, the general public. It would be a good thing to help you gain some confidence about just getting out of the house and socialising, but it will also help you with forming ideas about things you like/dislike, things you may want to try. You'll get to observe how other people behave in different settings as well. I know it all sounds a bit psychological/sociological, but it might be useful in the first instance?

 

[saffy]

I can understand that Mindiface85.

I realised that I had no idea of who I am. What I liked, what I felt about things, what I enjoyed and would wander around looking for something. But never sure of what.

I am still trying to find myself and why. I can sit there and think I really want to go to the beach, but then think, what is the point of it. What am I expecting to find there?

I think feeling intensely lonely does not help. I would love to share the experience so I have someone to talk to about it after wards who will understand what I am going on about. But I find myself perpetually on my own no matter how many invites I give out. So that does not help. For me I think there is no point if you cannot share it. I get bored of trying to entertain myself, if that makes sense.

So I suppose yes I am trying to get a connection too, but have no idea how without seeming needy.

I can understand what Bilby is saying but for me I can sit in my local pub, know everyone in there by name and still feel very alone and distant from them. Like I do not belong and on the outside looking in. They do not seem interesting in engaging and I find that in a lot of places I go.

Life is such hard work sometimes eh ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Mindiface85]

Maybe start at the absolute basics, for example going out to a cafe to have a coffee, or going out for lunch or dinner, or even a movie.

Thanks for the tips. I gave it a try this weekend, ended up going out to eat with a friend of mine first. It was really hard; he even commented I was the most nervous person he'd ever been out to a restaurant with. Still, nerves aside, I got through it and ended up having a great meal.

Afterwards, we went ice skating. Now, for me this was terrifying! I've never skated before and for me, trying something new, in a totally unfamiliar environment is very frightening. I had my friend with me, and after a while, actually loosened up and ended up having an amazing time.

I'm still feeling really great after this weekend. It was hard and frightening and I felt very out of my element most of the time; however, I pushed myself through it and actually ended up smiling by the end of the night. It's funny, it seems like such little things, and I know no one else I know would understand, but I feel so proud of myself for pushing through it and forcing myself to get out of my own way. And I haven't felt proud of myself in a very long time :)

I am still trying to find myself and why. I can sit there and think I really want to go to the beach, but then think, what is the point of it. What am I expecting to find there?

This really hit me, because it's something I'm forcing myself to really work on myself. I've found those words "what is the point" have held me back from so much in my life. And until very recently, I too had no one to really connect with. I had people I could maybe make small talk with or who I knew, but still felt very alone - still do.

For me it's helped to make myself the point. When I want to do or say something, I've been working on countering those words with "why not". And unless there's a legitimate reason not to do something, like it could really hurt me or I really can't afford to, I've been trying to force myself to do it. It's really been hard, and sometimes I'm shaking like a leaf throughout the day pushing myself through it, but it feels really rewarding afterwards to be able to say I did something just for me.

I'm not sure entirely how to really connect with someone else and kick that loneliness, but I keep hoping the more I learn to connect with myself, maybe it'll eventually help me be able to really connect with another person.

Thank you so much for the replies! It really does amaze me how much it helps being on here with people who really do understand.

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Also, I still very much want to be able to connect with my dear friend. I know he'd not only be there if I need help with anything, but that he'd absolutely love it if I'd put that trust in him to open up to him and come to him if I could use help/advice/etc.

Hi their Mindi. Though I can't honestly say that I know how hard this part is I think I can imagine at least things from your friend's persective. If I were your friend in this scenario I'd want opportunities to prove myself and to be trusted by you. Share a few of your thoughts, your fears, your feelings with him. Be HONEST. Let him show just how much he accepts you regardless. Earnest Hemingway once said, "The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." And while I recognize how you taking the first step must make you feel hugely vulnerable. The rewards are really worth it.

I just don't know what to actually do!! It's like standing at the doorway wanting to get out of the house and realizing you have no idea what you actually want to do once you walk out that door. Has anyone else ever felt like that?

Even us non-sufferers have felt that way. I have even myself recently focused less on what I'm "doing," as much as simply "being." I find that If I put less pressure on myself that the ideas about what I want to do will come. Often, a lot of fun experiences have evolved out doing a simple errand. For example one night I went to the climbing gym and voila, there's free beer (long story...lol). After a drink or two we start chatting with some people... and we go with them a few blocks away to an art walk/block party... there was art, a Navajo drum circle, blue faced guys in kilts and lots and lots of outdoor bars with happy hours going on. Before you know it it's past midnight and I'm eating the best damn grilled cheese sandwich in Portland with my then girlfriend and swooning over what a night we had.

I recognized mostly afterwards just how pleasurable that evening was. I certainly didn't plan it. Sometimes it's fun to let life come to you and you can decide after the fact if it's something you'd like to do again. So don't feel pressure to know right away what you like. Feel free to explore and experiment. :-)

 

[saffy]

t feels really rewarding afterwards to be able to say I did something just for me.

I think that is a good thing too. Doing something for yourself for once is good therapy. A bit of self indulgence is good for the soul. :)

I think for me it is more about wanting to do something for someone else for a change. I have been on my own for a long time bringing up kids ect. Once they left home I did get the empty nest syndrome, so to say. I still think I do in ways. I spend a while going out and thinking great I can do things I like and for me. Then I ran out of things to entertain myself and got bored of just going out.

When I decided to concentrate on the kids I put all other connections behind me. I thought it would be ok getting back into the fray again. Was I wrong, it is very hard going out as a single female and this makes it hard for me to connect with people to build up a meaningful relationship whether it be just friends or more.

I guess I lost touch of what to do, how to behave, what the boundaries and etiquette was, I suppose.

Learning to push myself out is the least of my challenges. Learning to connect once out is the biggest one. I am just tired of doing everything on my own.

I like your affirmation of 'Why not' I will tell myself that :) I guess as well is not to go out with too many hopes, then I will not get so disappointed. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Powder]

I think it's really hard to try to relate to people when I'm terrified of them. If I'm honest, I partly don't want to. I care deeply, but I'm so emotionally scared by abuse that I can't trust, never could.

How long has this feeling been there? Can you reconnect to a time when you didn't feel this way and relive a bit of that each day in your mind? I know that is helpful.

I am having trouble, since I was this way since preschool, so I never remembered a time in which I was not terrified of people.

 

[saffy]

Hi Muse
I understand what you are saying totally.

In a lot of respects I just did not trust anyone, still do not really but what I did notice was that I also mistrusted myself in my ability to be able to cope with certain people. My ability to trust my instincts and be able to recognise my own needs.

I found it was that fear that also made me not trust anyone. I was unable to make a decision about someone which would allow me to recognise their motives and to be able to deal with them without guilt or worrying if I was thinking or doing the right thing.

What has really helped is that I have really looked at my own needs, my own feelings about things and my own instincts and how to deal with people effectively without causing confrontation.

It has helped me to see people in a different light. I do not automatically mistrust them but I also do not always immediately think that they are good either. I can now recognise inner feelings and stand by my thoughts about people.

So now if I get a doubt about someone I can make a decision based on how I feel and how they are acting. If I am not feeling right I know now that I have every right to not have them in my life. It gave me a sense of control, in regards to self control and control over the situation. This helped with the fear. It is like taking away a lot of the unknown and replacing them with what you know about the situation and make a rational observation and rational decision about that person.

I hope that makes sense somehow.

It really does help to build your self confidence and esteem and build on the ability to look after your own needs. Learning about and how to apply personal boundaries for safety and learn what it means to be assertive to be able to deal with situations.

Best wishes
Saffy :)