Trying to shift fear to grief?

[Justmehere]

I am having a weird panic about letting go of a kitty that survived trauma with me. She has been a support in a way?

Background: I have to take in my elderly cat because I'm severely allergic to the cat. I filled out the 14 pages of paperwork, it's a no-kill shelter with a senior cat adoption program. They will call me and I can take her back if she is unadoptable. I have tried everything for the medical symptoms for a few years. I can't even pick her up, and she needs someone who can pick her up and cuddle. It's a good decision. It needs to happen months ago, and I hope to go in tonight. Please do not give advice about keeping or giving up the cat or how to rehome her. That's not the point of the post. Decision made, don't need or want input about that.

THIS is the problem: It's weirdly anxiety-inducing. This cat survived trauma with me. I grew up on a farm, so this isn't my first rodeo with the life span of animals (or the time limits of when one has them) and having to let them go, and it's never been easy, but the panic is driving me up the wall. It's confusing others. I can't handle someone going with me because all they are do is react to my panic leaking through. The shelter staff is actually fine about my panic. Don't seem to mind when I talk to them.

Sadness makes sense. Panic? Cat isn't going to die anytime soon. I am not going to die. Damn it PTSD. Let me just miss my kitty. I've been through enough.

 

[jaccat]

Might not be helpful, but what helped me let go was hard core mindfulness. All it did was take the edge off my feelings, but it was enough to get me through the actual event of taking him in by focussing on just that moment (and I’m rubbish at mindfulness).

The fear makes total sense to me.

 

[Friday]

Sure... what’s scary about the unknown?

Try writing a card to her new family. Let them know how profoundly she’s loved, how she needs to be held, and how your severe allergies are keeping her from having the life she deserves. How grateful you are to them for bringing her into their family, and to her, for her being your friend. Tell your story. Tell hers.

Might need to buy a stack of cards to get the wording right. Too much. Too little. Right. Just right.

 

[hithere]

I think grief has panic in it because it's separation. An attachment is being broken, which really can't be broken, because when we're attached we are attached. The trauma part to me just means she is important. i had a horse during extremely traumatic events, the grief and anxiety and panic about giving him up was excruciating. I don't know if you like this cat as much I was completely bonded to that horse and more than any other horse I've owned because what he helped me through just made the bond so much deeper.

Every animal I had to say good bye to was excruciatingly painful. The separation was actually physically painful for me, the grief was that painful, so panic at knowing you will have this separation and loss makes sense to me. I think the panic is "missing" the kitty--that's part of grief.

In fact I lost my mother in law 6 months ago who was an important person to me. i awakened three days ago from a terrible panic nightmare concerning her. The fear and panic coursed through my body for about an hour. Reality that I will no longer be able to call her on the phone-- That is terrifying and so so sad.

 

[Sideways]

Maybe the panic is related to losing a valuable member of your team. Even though you can't hold her, cat has never judged you, sent you illegal and harrassing emails, stopped you going somewhere or told you you're doing things wrong...

There's only so many people who are really on our side like that. Having one less support, one less team member - I think panic would make sense, as much as panic ever 'makes sense'.

 

[Justmehere]

This is making more sense now. I feel less nutty. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. This cat has been kind. Sweet. No judgement. Nothing wanted in return except maybe tuna and cuddles, and lots of both. She's a very grandma-ish cat. Naps and watches over my place and me, and eager to cuddle and purrs just looking at me if she thinks my lap is open. (She does this to others too.) It's why I adopted her in the first place many years ago. I don't know what will happen to her other than they won't put her down. So it is like letting go of many years of a sweet grandma-ish (in a good way) loving little presence into the unknown... right at a time in my life where I really painfully wish I had more of that in my life. The kind of support that just sits and loves and hangs out and does their own thing too.

I didn't make it there today, but I did fill out a card and a letter for her new adopted human. That helped. I really liked telling her story, and mine, and ours of our little life together and why I need a good person to help give her an amazing retirement that I can't give her. I'll try again tomorrow.