Trying To Understand How I Dissociate

[EvenStrongerNow]

I have an appointment with a trauma therapist/Psychiatrist on April 16th. She is from Johns Hopkins and seems to really understand what I'm going through just from talking on the phone. She has been calling me every couple of days to see how I'm feeling which is WAY awesome.

When I explained to her on the phone what I've been dealing with lately, the increase in symptoms, she said, "From what you are describing, it sounds like you are dissociating a lot."

Well, I only knew a piece of how I dissociate up until now. I only knew about when I go somewhere when someone is talking to me, but even then, I don't know what triggers that. I didn't know people can dissociate in more than one way and the same person can have more than one dissociative pattern. Oh boy!

Anyway, so I'm just trying to read a bit more about it today to understand it. It's really nice to know I'm not crazy.

Anthony said this in a post I read earlier: Dissociation does not mean that you are defective, damaged, insane, stupid, or worthless. In fact, you are among the most gifted people in the world because it takes intelligence, creativity, and imagination to learn how to dissociate. Congratulate yourself on your ability to survive overwhelming trauma.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I saw a friend whom I hadn't seen in about 2 years. She was going on and on, she and another friend, about the past and memories they had of me doing and saying things...like telling me about myself....only it wasn't familiar to me.

I had NO idea what they were talking about! I could not for the life of me imagine the person they were describing or remember the events they were bringing up. I did say in the beginning, "Wow, that was so long ago. I don't remember that at all." followed by a giggle.

One of the girls looked at me oddly and said, "Really? It wasn't THAT long ago haha ha, you're so silly Jami!" I totally felt myself panic and go somewhere after that. I found myself nodding and telling them I shared in their memories from that moment on. It was horrible.

 

[Springer80]

:hug: I know how that feels, as do most on here I'd imagine. You know if they're really good friends maybe you could tell them you genuinely have a memory problem but only if it would make you feel more able to be comfortable. Do you think you could talk about it with them?

Anyway....I know its tough and disorientating and isolating and sad....so big hugs and take your time. :shy:

 

[Delta62]

I am still trying to figure out how I disassociate and I can sure relate to the panic. Sometimes it feels like I am in the twilight zone and this week I have been forgetting things left and right. My best advice here is to ask others what they see when you do it. Becoming familiar with disassociation throughout reading, then talking with the physician, and awaiting feedback from others on here here is my best guess. Thank you for sharing this.

 

[Springer80]

SUMMARY OF ABSTRACT

- Neglect of attachment needs may leave a person with fewer receptors for endogenous opiods (natural morphine) because these receptors are formed during good attachment experiences.

- Chronic childhood trauma and abuse induces repeated flooding of the system with endogenous opiods, one of the consequences of which may be dissociative phenomena (which can pass largely unnoticed in a secretive, isolated, highly adapted childhood where attachment figures have a vested interest in keeping it so).

- The dissociative phenomena are much less functional and understandable in adulthood, especially away from the context they formed in, particularly where denial is the norm (societal also).

- A survivor's capacity for pleasure and well-being may be reduced by their paucity of opioid receptors, making any emotion at all feel overwhelming and out of control.

- With consciousness and day to day life preoccupied with PTSD triggers, flashbacks, sleep disturbance, anxiety and depression, somatic consequences etc etc etc a survivor's rare or only experiences of something approaching well-being may be when flooded with endogenous opioids during dissociative experiences, or other opioid-inducing behaviours such as self-harm, addictive behaviours, eating disorders, OCD and so on, and therefore 'habit-forming'.

- Therapy sessions may precipitate flooding with endogenous opioids and consequent dissociative phenomena, hence by blocking the opioid receptors with Naltrexone the survivor may be assisted in amending behaviours that have become unhelpful, and would otherwise be extraordinarily difficult to change due to their addictive nature


Essentially it's the flooding of part of your brain due to the breakdown of/lack of development of receptors. Ie. it is a physiological occurrence.

 

[surviving_it_all]

I do not understand the clinical information of it. I know I go somewhere when I am triggered. It is something I have always done. I am not the only one in my family who does it. My favorite cousin does it as well. We are gone for a moment. It happens a lot. It was daydreaming at first as a child, but it got worse. Its something I could switch on anytime to tune out the world. Now, its out of control. I tunnel out and forget where I am. Literally, I forget where I am.

Sometimes when I dissociate I know who I am, but I feel different. Its that not all information is missing just some. Important details are completely missing from my mind. I know they are there ,but, when I go to reach for the information, I can't access it. There is this wall. I don't really push myself to access this information either. I am afraid of what it will do to me to access this part of me while I dissociate. I do this often when I am with certain friends or in certain situations. That part of me isn't available. It wouldn't be weird but I actually feel like a different person almost. Its not like I have to act this way. Its like I am this way. This is me.

Lastly, sometimes I lose gaps. I lose entire periods of time. Its not lost forever, but sometimes for a few minutes or a few days. I can't remember things. Not silly things like where I put my keys or whether I took out the trash. I don't remember what I did for awhile. When I used to commute to school, I'd forget the drive there. Entirely. This form doesn't happen much to me. I know I lost periods of my trauma. I couldn't access them for a while. Lately, this has been happening more. I don't remember what day I stopped to put gas in my car. I used to put gas in once a week. It was my schedule. I thought I had put gas in earlier that day. I hadn't. Its weird. All of it is weird. I don't remember doing something, but I have done it. I posted on here, but I don't remember posting. I was half asleep though. I will think its like Wednesday of the previous week. Its odd. I didn't even know this was dissociation until my therapist mentioned it today. I will wait for the information to come to me. It usually does. Its not the same sensation of when something is on the tip of your tongue. Its a chunk of a hour no more that I miss.

I don't really talk about dissociation with my therapist so I don't really know if I actually really do it. I just know that these feelings are never quite pleasant. My description of them may not be so good but this is what I call dissociation. The only one I like is when I go somewhere else. That is nice. I can replay what happened sometimes not always. Its like part of me is there sometimes. Its nice, but if you know me you know I am gone. I go into the trauma sometimes but not often. I go into pleasant memories a lot. Into a single sense. Sometimes, this is really nice. I go to this place which is blank a lot. I can't feel anything. I don't see anything. There is nothing happening even when things are happening. It's completely blank. I like it but just not for too long.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Your description is perfect. Just perfect.