Trying To Write Or Speak Out

[Matilda]

For months now I've just wanted to write about how I've felt in the past year in order to make some sense of my emotions. But, every time I try, the words just don't come to me or it becomes too difficult. Even in therapy I can never get what I really feel out. I just would rather have it stay in my brain because letting it out is too frustrating. And when a few blips do manage to find their way into the air I always get frustrated by my therapist's response. I feel like she invalidates how I feel without meaning to.
I realized a few days ago that I've been jumping through the stages of grief in the past year. Denial, anger, guilt, depression, but never quite reaching acceptance. I don't think I've ever gotten fully past one stage I'm just always going back and forth with the stages or feeling several of them simultaneously.
After my bitch of a friend decided to take off, I never wanted to disclose my feelings with anyone else since it hurt too much to someone leave and take that trust with them. So I just deadened myself emotionally outwardly?? (I don't think that statement made much sense, but that's how I feel). But I direct a huge amount of emotion internally, which is, according to my therapist and a bunch of articles, a major contributor to my depression. I didn't even realize how much I've been needing to unload until I started venting about work issues with another close friend. And for once she didn't turn the topic back to herself and how hard her job is, which is what my mother does, but she just listened and it felt really, really good. So much so that I felt like I was putting cement on the cracks of the dam holding back my torrent of suppressed emotions when I said, good night. So that’s when I attempted to write again. But I can never figure out how to put everything I’m feeling into words and I’m pretty sure it’s because I still haven’t confronted the molestation, cutting off ties with my father, and several other issues. It still scares me to confront these issues because I’ll have to talk about it and I’ll have to remember, which hurts. But that’s the only way to completely heal, isn’t it? Personally for me, I've always felt that all of these things showed that I am weak and talking about them would make me even weaker. They made me broken and in need of fixing. But my hope is, that in confronting the pain, they will only prove how strong I am. I made it through even in the days when I wanted nothing more than to just disappear. I’m scarred, but I’m not broken.

 

[Whitebird]

But I can never figure out how to put everything I’m feeling into words and I’m pretty sure it’s because I still haven’t confronted the molestation, cutting off ties with my father, and several other issues. It still scares me to confront these issues because I’ll have to talk about it and I’ll have to remember, which hurts. But that’s the only way to completely heal, isn’t it?

It might be helpful. ( #2 )
http://www.msconnection.org/getfile...SD?chset=0fb20ce3-cba1-4f17-9ef5-1c57dbcae17b

 

[Sherri Lynne]

I know what you mean about not dealing with all the abuse doesn't matter all the abuses that was done is wrong. Lets just say I totally get it my abuse caused me to grow up alone I never socialized because I was afraid of people at age 3 I withdrew into a fantasy world when I went to school I found myself in books according to people in my family from both sides my mother abused me from birt it started out wit jealousy as I got older it got worse at age 10 I started getting molested by the man she was seeing while married to Daddy she never did anything because she didn't want to be alone in bed I told several times she would lie. I just gave up and thought maybe she is right I deserve what I got. I know now that she has mental issues. I just want to talk to anyone who may know something about pseudoseizures brought on by panic attacks and anxiety /stress bringing on palpatations. I would like some help understanding the why's and wherefors as my grandma used to say.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I used to have a hard time talking in therapy (and still probably will to some extent when I return. I have had a lot of success writing. However, I have been attending a partial hospitalization program (PHP) recently and I have been learning a lot of skills that have been helping me. Sometimes we try to dive into dealing with the trauma without being ready. I have learned that I couldn't even name the emotions I was feeling without a sheet of paper. I didn't know how to successfully ground myself when flashbacks occurred. I also have a huge right and wrong issue (I feel the need to always do the right thing, based on what other people want and that's hard to figure out sometimes). Talking about trauma was making that issue stronger and stronger for me. Now, I have been finally able to believe (mostly) that most situations don't have a right or a wrong answer, but I have the answers within me, I just have to be strong enough to trust myself. My general point is that maybe, you are struggling too hard to get the trauma out and maybe you just need to work on some skills that might help. I used to believe I was weak because of everything that happened to me and bad, too. But going to this PHP has helped me to grow stronger. So if I were you, I would look into talking to your therapist about working on skills first. My therapist tried to do that first, but I was so stuck, I couldn't do it. Then, I had my breakdown because it was too much. When I finish the program, I am going to continue working on skills and eventually go back to working on the trauma stuff. It's a hard road and you have to figure out what is the best journey towards healing for you. I wish you luck as you walk your journey.

 

[arfie]

Even in therapy I can never get what I really feel out.

I always get frustrated by my therapist's response. I feel like she invalidates how I feel without meaning to.

This was a mean Catch 22 for me. A "Catch-22" is "a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule." Since "I can never get what I really feel out," it really is invalid. Yet, the invalidation keeps blocking my verbal access to what I really do feel. I am afraid to even try to say it because I already know I have not found the right words to express it. Round and round I go. It really is frustrating.

But when I remember to be gentle with the process as I keep trying, something eventually clicks.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Matilda

But I can never figure out how to put everything I’m feeling into words and I’m pretty sure it’s because I still haven’t confronted the molestation, cutting off ties with my father, and several other issues.

yeah, the crowd control problem as the memories all surge towards the gate (your pen) and jostle and fight ammongst each other to be the first one through, and none of them can really get all of itself through. It doesn't help us that the memories are probably in fragments.

It still scares me to confront these issues because I’ll have to talk about it and I’ll have to remember, which hurts. But that’s the only way to completely heal, isn’t it? Personally for me,

That comes much later in the game, when we get the memories all recovered and pieced together and into some semblance of order and can start to work on de clawing them, cutting their nuts off and house training them, so that when they come calling, they no longer shred the furniture, piss up the walls and crap on the carpet.

There's a lot you can do before then in terms of learning to forgive yourself and to look after and value yourself, which will make the later work easier - I'm still learning that first stage myself. getting away from danger and reminders of it, looking for a new job and somewhere new to live. and learning some self soothing, some mindfulness techniques and some CBT to deal with the negative thoughts that appear. If you want some resources, say so and I'll post some links later.

Personally for me, I've always felt that all of these things showed that I am weak and talking about them would make me even weaker. They made me broken and in need of fixing.

I hope it is some relief to you that I think we can all relate to those feelings, they're absolutely crippling, but you are not alone.

But my hope is, that in confronting the pain, they will only prove how strong I am. I made it through even in the days when I wanted nothing more than to just disappear. I’m scarred, but I’m not broken.

You are not broken and you are strong,
This is a long process, half a second in a car crash can take us years to get over - years in abusive environments... yeah, it's not going to be a short process or an easy one, and there are stages to it,

the first is establishing our personal safety and stability, then at some time, once we are safe and looking after ourselves, we can begin to piece together the story of our traumas and to render them unable to hurt us in the present, and we gradually build our new lives and our new connections. I'm crying while I'm writing this, because I suspect that you might be like me, and many others here - with no pre trauma self to regain, The self you are becoming is all new, and you are building that new self the hard way - as an adult.

In a strange sort of way we are a very exclusive club - not that anyone would ever volountarily go through the painful initiation to join us, nor would I want anyone else to go through it... but once we are in, there is a strange commonality and understanding, it feels wierd when I realize that I've been experiencing something that someone else is describing - but I've never known what it was.

I know whaty you mean about your traumas - perhaps you can't get them out yet because they aren't ready to come out yet and you're not ready for them to come out yet. be gentle with yourself, and prepare yourself to deal with them safely before you do go in to grab them one at a time by the scruff of the neck and make them safe.

big hug if you'll have one
A

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with the above posts. I just wonder if it is just as equally important to try to direct our thoughts towards the positives, positive memories, positive thoughts, recognizing things around us, if that makes sense? I mean it sounds like that doesn't relate to either trauma or ptsd, but I think in a (big?) way it does. Because I also know the more freaked-out or panic/ terror/ doubt/ fear etc I feel the less I can even figure out what I'm feeling (or why), & it's even harder to even try to communicate at all.

Plus it's a less painful/ more happy way to live. But maybe too it helps get the message home to our thoughts & brains & heart that things will be ok?

Hugs @Matilda .

 

[falling_wave]

I can relate to the trapped feeling of not being able to share strong feelings. You mentioned feeling that your therapist invalidates the hints you give out. I am sensitive to that too and I may exaggerate the feeling I get because that's what I was expecting and it came true. The easiest way I found is realize that your therapist needs you to give her a chance at understanding you. Tell her you are scared to talk to her or are having trouble. Talk about how stressful that is for you and the feeling you get when you feel like you tried to express it and weren't understood. You don't even have to say it's with her just in general. Then she will realize the intensity and your need for her to fully acknowledge things you share. Good luck!

 

[Tanishq]

I encourage you to hang in there Matilda. Keep trying to write out your emotions/feelings you want to write down. It may happen you may not be able for a month, months; but I am sure if you keep aspiring it one day you will write it down, when you have overcame all the blockages. :)

 

[Matilda]

Thank you everybody for the kind responses :) they've all been incredibly helpful, especially the article attached. I' still working on it and I think I'll just start carrying a journal with me again and teach myself to write when I feel the need or desire to rather than forcing myself to vomit words in an attempt to unload

 

[Tanishq]

@Matilda So pleased to know that you found all replies very helpful. :)